I LIVE

It's true. I do live. I did not off myself or drive off a cliff or elope with Puff the Magic Dragon. (wouldn't that be cool, though?) Things just got uber nuts with the holidays and me getting a new roomie that there hasn't been time or energy to blog. So what are the highlights for all you sports fans?

For you literal sports fans, I bet my dad $20 that Rex Grossman would hurt himself during the playoffs. There was that one play at the end of the game when he ran and slid where I was sure I would win me some cash money. But no money for me and no win for the Bears.

My cousin arrived at the end of December, right before Christmas. We have pretty much gotten used to each other, and luckily for me she is very nice. Hopefully she thinks the same of me but hey - I'm the landlady, she don't got no other choice. She has started school at the local community college and has oodleloads of homework. There's of course still lots of gaps in communication but after all she is here to learn English better so that's to be expected. So far she's in awe of many things in America, namely what we show on tv (South Korean tv is VERY restricted evidently), the shopping outlet prices, and the concept of making baked goods at home. Oh, and how frigging much we eat. Her living here has made a positive impact on my waistline, as I think more about how much I am really eating, and we have also become workout buddies, doing yoga and/or Pilates nearly every day.

And that's a good thing because I'm going to be a bridesmaid for my best friend's brother's fiancee. We went to look at wedding dresses for her yesterday and the lucky girl ended up buying the first one she tried on. It's truly one of the more unique gowns I have seen and it is gorgeous on her. I got to flashback to 2001 and try on some bridesmaid dresses. Some things never change, and how I look in pink satin is one of them. Thankfully, she does NOT want pink dresses for us. The couple is a bit overwhelmed with wedding planning so I am glad to pitch in with any remaining bridesmaid powers I retained from 2001.

My new favorite quote (and it is perhaps hubris to quote myself but it's my frigging blog, so deal with it) was in response to playing the game "Who Would You Do?" with my friends John and LK, and being presented with the choice between two disgusting nasty ex-co-workers:

(Me) "That's like choosing between shit and shit with corn."

My other new favorite quote is from Brokeback Mountain, which I saw with John and LK.
(Jack) "This is one goddamned bitch of an unsatisfactory situation."
I need to use that all the time. The movie was pretty good by the way. Not the best movie I ever saw in my whole life, but really pretty good. Though the 1970's portion of the movie DID make me fall out of love with Jake Gyllenhaal. DAMN YOU, NED FLANDERS.

I went to San Francisco for a work conference. I happened to be on the same flight out there with John who was also going out there for work, so we hit a fried chicken place for dinner when we got there. That was basically the highlight of the trip for me. The conference was dead boring. We sat and listened to so many presentations that my ass nearly collapsed in on itself. I had to actively pray that I would not experience an Ass Supernova, or worse yet an Ass Black Hole that would suck in all the boring around me and create a new Boring Galaxy. When you think that perhaps a presentation by a motivational speaker (3-time Olympic luge medalist. You heard me. Luge.) was perhaps the high point of the conference, you know that things were bad. Real bad. But seeing the Europeans that I used to work with was really nice.

Next week is Mom's birthday, and my cousin and I are planning to make her favorite, carrot cake for the occasion. My cousin is totally excited at a) the prospect of making more baked goods at home and b) she really likes carrot cake.

My mother on the other hand, is not such a whiz at baking (it's really just not done in Korea at home, so she never had to learn.) although she's a super fantastic cook. To illustrate the sheer depth and breadth of her baking don't-know-how, I bring you the following story.

My mom buys stuff on sale. She'll just about buy any type of food if it's buy one get one at the Jewel. I once told her that I really think she'd buy George Bush if he was on sale. She assured me that she wouldn't but I don't really believe her. So around Christmastime, she purchased two tins of fudge because they were $2.50 apiece.

Now, I hate fudge. The texture squicks me out nearly as bad as heavy cheesecake. My cousin had just tried fudge at my friend's house and really disliked it. So Mom brings out two tins of fudge, and none of us can really eat it as it turns out that she and my pops didn't end up liking it either. So she's stuck with a boatload of fudge.

At this point, you'd think the logical thing to do was to melt the fudge down and mix it with instant grits. What? That's not the logical thing to do? Well it's what Mom ended up doing in an attempt to salvage the fudge. Not only did she mix it with instant grits she mixed it with UNCOOKED instant grits. Not only did she mix it with UNCOOKED INSTANT GRITS but one of the fudge flavors happened to be strawberry cheesecake, which rendered the entire mess a sickly pinkish-brown. This resulted in the effect that once the mess was cooled and cut into squares, it looked EXACTLY. LIKE. SPAM. That's right, my mom got a chocolate product to resemble POTTED PORK SHOULDER AND HAM. We tasted it out of curiousity - I had to wipe off my tongue and drink water and eat something else. The texture was even worse than you'd expect. My only regret is not getting pictures of the pseudoSpam.

Well, I think that's some of the high points anyway, and hopefully I will be much better this year about keeping up the blog. Thanks for any fans (all 3 of you) who may have stuck around this long. Mooches smooches.

Questionable Weekend

So this weekend was the first I had to myself in a while. Saturday I got some knitting done, some cleaning done, and I'm feeling pretty good about my productivity so far.

Then, around 4:30 Saturday afternoon, I ran out to get gas and some groceries. On my way home, the "check engine" light goes on in my car. SH*T!!! Maybe I can make it home. Nope. Car starts stuttering and SMOKING, I pull over and turn on hazards. It's raining. It's dark. I left my cell phone on the charger.

I open the hood but can't see anything b/c it's dark and of course, the flashlight in my car has dead batteries. I start freaking a little. Eventually, a fire rescue car from my town stopped, took a look at my engine and said a hose was blown (which was totally obvious once there was light.) He lent me his cell phone so I could call my dad to come get me, and said he'd call the sheriff and let them know the car would be on the side of the road till I could get it towed.

While waiting for Dad, two police cars pull up and ask if I need help. One called a tow truck for me and Dad got there and I piled my groceries in his car. A lot of rain and cold later, I'm back home. I was really lucky that the police and fire rescue saw me relatively quickly to help. They rock as far as I'm concerned.

Dad got a new hose and installed it this morning, and we put some more coolant in and got the car started again. The car's still a bit stuttery when I hit the gas - Dad thinks a belt may have gotten wet while we were all staring at the engine in the rain. The "check engine" light is still on - it may just need to be reset by a mechanic, but dear old Dad is going to take it in tomorrow to get it checked out. I have a conference call and a phone interview tomorrow or I'd do it.

I think the rain and the cold have gotten the best of me though - now I'm pretty sure I have a fever and I have a headache. Oh well, escaping this mess with a cold is pretty frigging good if you ask me.

I am wrapped in blankets now watching the Bears game. The Saints just "fumbled", although it still looks to me like the guy lost control of the ball after he was down. Oh well, I guess that's one for us. Our QB, Kyle Orton cracks me up because he looks like he's all of 15 yrs old, a fact he may have realized as he's gone and grown a big-boy beard, which just makes him look like a 15 yr old with sad chin pubes.

I'm going to stop typing now and snuggle back under the covers. Cheers, y'all.

A Conversation Between Me and My Cat

Guinness: (surreptitious chewing plastic bag noise)
Me: Guinness?
Guinness: (louder faster chewing plastic bag noise)
Me: Guinness!!!
Guinness: (warp speed chewing plastic bag noise)
Me: GUINNESS!!!!!
Guinness: Mrroow? What did I do, bitch?

No I'm Not Dead

I just didn't feel like blogging for a while. So here I am to plunge into the random.

The White Sox have a good chance to win the Series. As an avid Cubs fan, I will not insult the real Sox fans by jumping on the bandwagon. Also, I just don't want to. But I do hope that the Sox win the Series and maybe the Cubs will be shamed into getting a decent pitching staff. Look, Tribune Company, look at what a baseball team can do with an actual BULLPEN.

It's been a cold and dark year in sports for me, period. The Bears are at the top of the worst NFL division in recorded history. Any team who makes it to the playoffs from the NFC North may as well just not show up as they will vaporize upon contact with a real team. And my trusty alma mater, Illinois, whose football team I thought surely could not get worse after Ron Turner left, can get worse and did get worse. This past weekend was a 63-10 gouging by Penn State. The pain just never stops.

Yesterday I turned 34. It's kind of a weird feeling - I'm "mid-30's" now. My brain hasn't progressed past "late 20's". I've gotten lots o cool gifts though - my friends have noticed my knitting freak to say the least - I got two gift cards to Michaels craft store and lots of cool knitting stuff.

This morning I had to bite my lip to not walk into the office and quit after a super fun 90 minute commute. I really need a new gig.

I think I'm getting sick despite the horse sized vitamin C's I usually take. Bleh.

Of Feline Discourse and Other Things

My cats do not love each other. I think my second cat, Molly, ranges from indifference to a mild desire to be friends with Guinness. He on the other hand, ranges from elder-statesman condescension/civility to outright bitchslapping. If they were to be equipped with Meowlinguals (which I would never allow them to be), I think it would go something like this:

(Untranslated conversation)
Guinness: "Murr."
Molly:"Mew-oo."

(Translated conversation)
Guinness: "Bitch."
Molly: "Asshole."

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The Bears thankfully didn't lose this weekend, since they didn't play this weekend. My alma mater, Illinois, further distinguished themselves a week after their 61-14 obliteration by Michigan State, by losing to Iowa 35-7. I feel somehow that this is all Barry Bonds' fault.

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I assigned myself way too many knitting projects and have been knitting like your grandma on speed.

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I'm going to visit my best friend for her birthday this weekend. She lives in Springfield. It will at least be nice to be together.

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If you can have a Supreme Court Chief Justice who's been a judge for all of 45 minutes, I guess you can have a Justice who's never been a judge at all. I'm starting to think that the Supreme Court is like getting a job at the Gap - only you have to be one of Dubya's friends first.

These Dirty Whores Should Be Beat to a Pulp

People are fuckers.

No One is More Surprised Than Me

I am watching the Bears game. The Bears are currently engaged in wiping the Detroit Lions all over Soldier Field. They are scraping Detroit off their cleats and serving Lion pate on crackers. I think it's a combination of the Bears defense being hot, the Bears offense not sucking dirt, and Detroit doing a lot of things wrong.

One thing, I understand the Bears being jubilant and wanting to pound some more ass, because let's face it, pounding ass is a new feeling for us. Pummeling your opponent after the shitty run the Bears have had has to be so tasty and delicious that I bet these guys won't need dinner. But the game's almost over - lay off the pressure before someone valuable gets hurt. That is all. Otherwise, WHOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Edited to add: the Bears have won 38-6, which is the biggest margin of victory they've had since October 4, 1987. That means since DITKA. I don't want to get excited here but damn this feels good for once. No matter how brief it may turn out to be.

gross

What is with you assholes who can't flush after yourselves in public bathrooms? Seriously. WTF is your damn problem???

The Abnormal Growth (or My Knitting Has Spawned a New Blog)

I've updated my links to include my new blog for knitting, since my readership (all 5 of you) are mostly non-knitters and are likely bored when I post knitting mumbojumbo. So I'm stuffing everything knit-related in there, and will just be my usually curmudgeony self here.

Cheers,
D

In and Out and Back in Again

So I never watched the movie In and Out starring Kevin Kline. Just never got around to it. It happens to be on USA right now so after Law & Order SVU I decided to keep crocheting and not change the channel.

This movie is stuffed full of stupid cliche gay jokes - it's actually just stuffed full of plain stupid. Why did so many people like this movie? I found myself being grateful that we have come farther than this with respect to homosexuality - and then I remember Rick Santorum and the gozillion other gaybashing bigots in the world and realize we haven't come very far at all.

On the bright side, I forgot that a guy I went to high school with was in this movie. Aside from the coach who faked his own death to spur his team into victory, he's probably one of the most famous guys the school turned out.

Warm Up America

...is a pretty cool way to help out Katrina victims if you know how to knit or crochet. Warm Up America is an organization collecting anything you can knit/crochet. If you want to do a whole afghan on your own, excellent. Otherwise, you can knit or crochet 7in x 9in squares, which you can send on to them and they will join them into afghans to be given to Katrina victims. I've joined the blog Knit Katrina Squares - and sending my squares on to one of the people there who lives close to WUA headquarters and who is also joining contributed squares with help from some ladies at her church, I believe. Which is so excellent as my squares are ok (I did two this weekend) but my joining and finishing is unbelievable crap.

Please Keep the Positive Thoughts Coming

Side note:
I just want to say that The Sarchasm is doing a bang-up job on Katrina-related issues and commentary. Check it out, she's doing a much better job than I ever could on this topic.

The real reason for this post:
My friend's husband had surgery last week to remove tumors which turned out to be cancerous. He has a particularly complicated situation because of previous health issues, so he suffered some complications which are hopefully clearing up as we speak. And he starts chemo in a couple of weeks. Please send a prayer or otherwise positive thought if you can. Thanks.

Scraping the Bottom of the Barrel

"I'm not scared at all about being a rookie quarterback. I think I'm right where I need to be."
-Kyle Orton, starting QB for the Bears

Ok the NFL pre-season is over, and it's time for the Bears to suck at will. Actually, if this guy Orton can come through, we have a chance at a season that is not jam-packed with despair. Orton's right, I guess, in that if you are a rookie who wants to prove yourself, the place to do it is a team that does not have dick in the quarterback lineup. If you're not hurt, you're playing because we have no other farking choice but you. I'm not holding my breath though. But I will at least check out the first few games. September 11 v. Washington - let the mayhem begin.

Claustrophobic

I'm staying up late because HA! I'm on vacation. I'm watching Fatal Attraction on tv and I forgot how incredibly annoying this movie is. I mean, the plot's good I guess, but the Glenn Close and Michael Douglas characters make me suffocate. I'm practically breaking out in hives from her cloying psychotic dependency, and his encouraging it makes it worse. In fact, I consider him the bigger annoyance since she's obviously got the extenuating circumstance of severe mental issues. Sure, they're only movie characters, but you know there are real people out there like this. Maybe it's not their fault, maybe it is, but whatever the case, clingy people make me NUTS. I might have to take some benadryl to get through to the bathtub scene.

Couple of Things

My friend's husband's surgery is tomorrow, if anyone has extra good thoughts to spare for him, he could really use them. Thanks.

The horrors of Katrina keep piling up. It's really humbling and makes me appreciate what I have - family and friends and a roof over my head and dry ground under my feet.

I generally like the people around me but man do the asshats have a way of ruining things for the rest of us.

Asshats aside, I am starting vacation in one hour and for that, I am grateful.

You're Just Jealous Because the Voices Only Talk to Me

Katrina is a bitch. The misbegotten weather nightmare, not any specific person, so don't reply to this in outrage if you know and love a Katrina. I did know one Katrina once who was a bitch but I assume she's not indicative of all Katrinas. Anyhow, if you have been or know someone who has been affected by Katrina, I'm really sorry. What a farking mess. Horrible.

I came up with a new moniker for the pustulent evil scag in my office - Bizarro Visa - she's everywhere you don't want her to be.

I'm taking Thursday and Friday off, for which, thanks be to God and vacation accrual. Work sucks.

My latest get-rich novelty idea is knitted penis cozies. They would come in a limited size selection, since they would stretch. So far I have designs for candy cane, ,Rudolph the Red-Nosed Johnson, and Ribbed for YOUR Pleasure. (Candy cane could easily be adapted to sports teams and school colors) They will be knit from a soft acrylic yarn probably (ease of washing) unless you piss me off during the ordering process in which case yours will be knit from steel wool. No, I will not be taking custom measurements. Small sizes can be accomodated, and no one will laugh at them I promise. Even teeny weenies deserve to stay warm.

What's the Good Word?

Why is Scotch Blue Painter's Tape trying to convince me that painting my house is a kicky and flirty activity best done with my significant other? And why is painting your bathroom to resemble a pink jail cell at all sexy?

Here are the mittens and scarf that I recently completed for a birthday present. They don't look really good where the thumb meets the palm, but otherwise I am quite pleased with them.





Turns out my cousin is majoring in economics, not political science. She emailed me with some pictures - she is cute like button. I hope we don't scare her too much.

Last week I found out a friend's husband has cancer. I'm not sure what the details are (The word "cancer" tends to blur the details) but he is scheduled for surgery next week. If you could spare a prayer or a positive thought for him, it would sure be appreciated.

Last week at work I experienced an unusual concurrence of events in my appearance - good hair, cute outfit, shaved legs - all wasted on the people I work with. If for no other reason than that I need a new job.

Lucky Sevens (damn you LK, you know I can't resist these things)

7 Things you plan to do before you die.
1. Go to London, France, Germany, and Japan's Kansai Airport before it sinks
2. Write a book
3. Buy a hybrid car
4. Learn how to play the saxophone
5. Make a will
6. Attend a taping of the Daily Show with Jon Stewart
7. Make an asshole suffer

7 Things you can do.
1. Know when to hold em
2. Know when to fold em
3. Know when to walk away and
4. Know when to run

Just kidding.

1. Conduct minor surgery using only my razor wit
2. Knit
3. Clasp my hands behind my back so it looks like my back is praying
4. Assemble IKEA furniture with a minimum of swearing and leftover parts
5. Recall completely useless information like 80's music lyrics and why the anterior cruciate ligament and the medial collateral ligament are usually the ones affected in sports injuries
6. Make a Chicken Saltimboca that will kick your arse
7. Pick small items up with my toes

7 Things you can't do.
1. Tolerate assholes
2. Play the piano
3. The five point palm exploding heart technique
4. Code for the rest of my life
5. Spend any amount of time in Pat Robertson's immediate vicinity
6. Get my Karl Rove voodoo doll to work
7. Watch the Bears this season

7 Things that attract you to the opposite sex.
1. Sense of Humor
2. Honesty
3. Compassion
4. Intelligence
5. Face
6. Lack of mullet
7. Lack of Body Odor

7 Things you say most.
1. Dude
2. No
3. Sure why not?
4. Damn
5. Who's a stupid pooper?
6. Shut it.
7. It's all good.

7 Celebrity crushes.
1. Jon Stewart
2. Edward Norton
3. George Clooney
4. Ralph Fiennes
5. Don Cheadle
6. Jimmy Stewart (Hall of Fame)
7. Sean Connery (Hall of Fame)

7 People you want to take this quiz. Like 7 people even read this farking blog.

Nuts

I am going nuts. NUTS I TELL YOU. I need a vacation so bad. I really hope I can take some time off in September. Maybe at least I can take a couple of days off and make it an extra long Labor Day wkend. I need a break something fierce.

NOW I have seen everything

I just saw another Lee Iacocca Chrysler commercial. A Lee Iacocca Chrysler commercial with Snoop Dogg. SNOOP DOGG AND LEE IACOCCA. PLAYING GOLF. This is worse than Ice T producing David Hasselhoff's rap album.