Letting a Memory Take the Wheel

This morning I saw a can of cocoa in my kitchen and I started to cry. My cats were very perplexed. I know it's totally irrational, but I think it's really unfair that a memory can accost me like that in my own home, my home that's supposed to be my haven and refuge. And I also know it's partly my fault for letting a memory take control like that. And I also know there's much worse things happening to better people throughout the world. I know all this, but right now I want to be selfish. It's a beautiful day and I'll be going out soon where I'll have plenty of time to think about something else and be unselfish. Right now I just want hugs from my kitties.

Seriously. WTF is wrong with people?

Boy, 10, guilty of beating homeless Army veteran

Swarms of mindless fuckwits don't want Paris Hilton to go to jail. B-O-O-H-O-O.

Just generally speaking, Fox News is always a sign of what's wrong with the times.

Toes and Dandelions

I took the day off Friday, got the 15k mile maintenance on my car in the morning (*sniff* my baby is all grown up and sliding down the hill of automotive deterioration!) and then took off for Springfield. My best friend lives down there, as far as I'm concerned there's no other reason to go down there. We ate lots of overly spicy Thai food, watched some pretty bad tv and a really bad movie (Turistas is worse than awful. I would have rather spent that time getting a barium enema.) and did some shopping and got pedicures on Saturday, went to church, and watched some more bad tv. A largely enjoyable (except for Turistas) mushy-brain weekend. And now my toes is pretty.

Dopey is mostly moved into his new place so was able to come visit me Sunday when I got back from Springfield. We hadn't seen each other for two weeks so got right down to playing Parcheesi for a while. No, "Parcheesi" is not a euphemism for something else.

Yes of course "Parcheesi" is a euphemism for something else. I don't even remember how to play Parcheesi.

Then this morning I had a dream that he took my bedroom doors off their hinges so he could move a really big tv into my room. I'm not sure what this is supposed to signify.

I really do not understand why this boy looks so happy to have had spiders in his ear.

The house next door to me is a rental (I think) and no one is living there now. The tenants over the years were never particularly lawn-conscious, but now the lawn over there is basically solid dandelions. At least it makes my lawn look better, although I will have to put down the turfbuilder/weedkiller sometime this week. Oh, for the days when indentured servants were legal.

Michael Vick is (allegedly) a f*cker

In addition to being (in my humble opinion) one of the most overrated NFL quarterbacks ever. Seriously do not click the link below if you like dogs and hate fuckers who mistreat dogs. Seriously. You've been warned. There is significant evidence that he is a complete fuckwit.

Michael Vick is a fuckwit Story #1

Michael Vick is a fuckwit Story #2

Time I Can't Get Back

I saw Disturbia yesterday with Laura and John. For the life of me I cannot figure out why this movie is topping the box office because it was really trite and pretty freaking boring. I nearly fell asleep during parts of it. Maybe it just means that I'm dead inside because the group of girls behind us screamed at every little thing that happened in the movie, like, when the bad guy walked into a room. It's clearly billed as a scary movie, you really couldn't figure out that he was going to be sneaking up on a few people? Anyway, thanks to the Shrieky McPussykins clan, I was never able to actually fall asleep. Oh, and as part of the "scary", one of my countrymen took a baseball bat to the head. There were no black people in the movie so evidently Asians are next on the food chain while the white people run around screaming. Surprisingly enough he didn't die, but I'll give you three guesses as to which ethnicity did bite it, and the first two don't count.

So, that was two hours of my life I can't get back. Not nearly as bad as Jeepers Creepers, but very few things are. I was drifting off to sleep last night trying to think of movies and other occupations that were a bigger waste of time than Disturbia. I can't remember if I've already blogged on this type of subject, but if I have, tough tukkus.

Chunks of My Life I Can't Ever Get Back

• Jeepers Creepers. This movie actually made me mad that I saw it for free on a movie network that I wasn't paying for while I lived in Chicago. You don't always pay for an experience in dollars. Sometimes you end up paying in bitter, bitter regret.
  
• The Grudge. By the time the inspector brought the gasoline can at the end, I nearly yelled out "FINALLY. BURN THAT MOTHER DOWN AND END THIS STUPID MOVIE." The only reason I didn't was because I was watching it on an airplane and I would probably have been taken down by US Marshals. I would hope that I would have been anyway.
  
• Ringu. It was touted as being sooooo much better than the American version. It wasn't. Having already seen the American version, it was a waste of time to watch the same movie with Japanese actors instead.
  
• The time I spent reading the book Hannibal.
• The time I spent watching the movie Hannibal. I clearly don't learn my lessons after one clubbing over the head. To my credit, I didn't watch the whole thing, but damn that 20-30 minutes sucked.
  
• The MCAT. Yes, back in the day I was studying pre-med for about 15 minutes before I changed my mind. My dad talked me into taking the MCAT anyway - "just try it" was his reasoning. As though an eight-hour exam was something you can just taste and decide if you like it, like caviar on toast points. (Which I also don't like by the way) Time actually stopped in the Biological Sciences portion of the exam and I was stuck in that room for about 15 days. When I finally got home I got so unbelievably drunk that I thought I was sober again, and subsequently got into a shoving match with some guy at a bar. Yeah, trainwreck day from beginning to pathetic, liver-in-active-rebellion end,
• Any time spent watching Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee on the Food Network, which happens to be what was on tv as I write up this post. I think her premise is something like teaching you how to kind of cook/kind of just tart up stuff you bought from the store. So, half-assed cooking. Which is ok really if the stuff turns out edible, but she just made bacon-wrapped hot dogs which she put in the oven, and when she took them out of the oven chirping about how deeeeeeeelicious they looked, the fact is that the bacon was still pale pink and mostly raw-looking. So, half-assed to no-assed cooking whatsoever.

This list could really go on forever, but it would be somewhat ironic for me to sit here writing about how I've wasted time as opposed to going and finding something valuable to do with my time today, especially since today's so freaking beautiful. Toodles all!

The Vagaries of Dreams and Bananas

In case my 7 readers haven't noticed, I have some pretty weirdass dreams. I listen to accounts of dreams from other people, and while they seem a bit kooky/funny, they're still mostly logical. My dreams are just fugged up sometimes.

Last night I dreamed that I went to Dopey's new apartment (he questions the code name "the boy") to help with unpacking. There were boxes everywhere and we started making out, like we have once or twice in the past. Then I notice this woman sleeping on his couch, who I at first thought was his ex, but it turns out she was his mom, and I was uber pissed that he didn't tell me she was there so huffed out the door. I vaguely recall his response was to run after me and tell me she wasn't Korean or something. Buh?

Next I dreamed that I was trying to kill a hugeass roach. Every time I clunked it, it got bigger and more cartoony-looking, till finally it was just staring at me with huge cartoon sad eyes and I didn't have the heart to kill it. This was all during a phone call with someone from Italy. I don't know anyone in Italy.

In the waking world, things aren't making much more sense, because I went to search for a banana bread recipe only to be accosted by this recipe for...CHEESY HAM AND BANANA CASSEROLE. If you threw up a little in your mouth reading that, it's ok because I did too. Sometimes Paula Deen's stuff doesn't look too bad, but other times it looks like she just lets things fall from her fridge into her mixing bowl.

Clowns DO Suck

I just watched an episode of Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations on the Travel Channel, and he was in Osaka and refused to get his picture taken next to a clown because he's scared of clowns. That man's not afraid of anything but he admits that clowns are fuckers. I wonder if I can get Chuck Norris and David Hasselhoff to admit that clowns are fuckers too.

Observations

My chubby kitty Molly is lying next to me on the couch, steadily cranking out her little boat-motor purr. If I rub her belly she meeps and paddypaws the air. She makes me very happy.

I watched part of a tv show this weekend about wedding planning where the bride's gown was $7,000 and the budget for the wedding was another $80,000. There is just no way I can relate to that. I guess it says something about the very massive range of priorities we humans can have. Or something like that.

The boy and I saw the new baby polar bear at Brookfield Zoo on Saturday. He was so ridiculously cute...the crowd erupted in cheers when he emerged from a hiding place in the bear grotto. I wonder what goes through his head when that happens.

Billy Ray Cyrus is performing on ABC's Dancing with the Stars. He doesn't have a mullet anymore. He does however have a soul patch, which I consider to be the second-most cringeworthy accessory that a man can have outside of a leather bananahammock. That's really all I can say about that.

Dual-tuner DVR's aren't the best thing ever. But they are pretty freaking cool.

I've been thinking I should try to start a new knitting project but I have no idea what. Every once in a while I think about trying to learn to knit socks but I've just not been in the mood for complete and total frustration.

I have the latest Amy Tan novel, Saving Fish From Drowning, but ever since I read an article that mentioned she is friends with Rupert Murdoch, I've been less inclined to pick it up and finish it. Maybe he's a lovely person outside of his evil News Corp regime, but I kind of doubt it. It might be unfair to judge/dismiss a person's work based on what you know of his/her personal life, but I can't help it that I hear Bill O'Reilly whining every time I look at the book now.

Completely Jacked Up

I had the most jacked-up dream last night so I'm hurrying to blog this before I forget it.

So it started out, I was back down at the University of Illinois, and I had just left some guy I was dating to run over to a math class, which if you went to U of I, you know most of the math classes were in Altgeld Hall. Only when I got to Altgeld, it wasn't really Altgeld, and I wasn't really going to math class, I was having surgery because something was wrong with my ovaries or my eggs or some such crap. Buh??? Not only was I having surgery, but I was going to be awake for the whole thing, and since dreams are crazy like that, I had no issues with this. So I have the surgery, wide awake and not feeling a thing, but I had to come back the next day because the woman who did the surgery (in street clothes by the way) said she might have nicked my spinal cord somehow. BUH??? So this time I'm still not getting anesthetic, but another surgeon comes in and pinches the crap out of my arm when the cutting starts, presumably to take my mind off having my abdomen cut open. Right, then. Then I heard my best friend's brother and her husband outside the room and I begged the pinching surgeon not to let them in because they wouldn't want to see me like this but he let them in anyway. Then I woke up.

I didn't even have Nyquil. I have no idea what that shit was all about.

My Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Vacation

HA! So not true. Especially considering my last vacation babysitting my brat cousin in Disney World, this past week in Vegas was one of the best vacations ever.

I've only been to Vegas for work and not for fun, so this was my first chance to get a good look at the Strip especially in daylight (previously I was cooped up in meetings and presentations all day). We stayed at Luxor, which like many other Vegas hotels, is gloriously tacky and over-the-top, but hey, if you came to Vegas for subtly tasteful decor, well, you're kind of dumb. We got there Monday morning, and decided to walk up to the Mirage to check out Siegfried & Roy's Secret Garden/Dolphin Exhibit. Thanks to my stupid stupid girly shoes, my feet were killing me by the time we got there, but the dolphins were totally worth it, as were the other animals like the white tiger rollin' around in the water.






Over the course of the week we also checked out the Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay, and took a day trip to Lake Mead/Hoover Dam. We had amazing weather for the Lake Mead cruise - it was probably right around 70 and on the boat it was actually a bit cool. Thanks to full-on sunshine and my black hair, I was never actually cold though.





We didn't go see any shows since there was nothing either of us was dying to see/was willing to pay in the neighborhood of $100 to see. (My normally awesome powers of persuasion weren't enough to get the boy to see Barry Manilow, even though the man DID write the songs that make the whole world sing. Sigh.) For the most part, we went somewhere if we felt like it, and were slugs if we felt like it. Really wonderful and relaxing. And it was so strange to spend just about seven days with someone and not ever even come close to wanting to kill him or to hide in the room's armoire curled in the fetal position. Wonders will never cease I suppose! And now it's unfortunately time to rejoin the rat race, but I'm so so glad we went on this vacation together.

Lightning Round Blog Revisited

I just received an email from cubs.com informing me that I need to register for the chance to buy dugout, bleacher box, and/or bullpen box seats for the 2007 Cubbie home games. I do love my Cubbies but I think I'll take a pass on this, the older I get, the more trouble it seems it is to buy Cubs tickets. Anyway, 2008 is going to be our year.

I'm going to Vegas from the 19th-23rd. Yay! I've only been to Vegas for work, not fun, and we're staying at the Luxor which I've never been to. Work gets so much more difficult to tolerate when there's a fun vacation on the horizon.

McDonald's tests a bigger burger. I hardly see this as necessary, but as LK reminded me, when has necessity factored into anything concerning McDonald's?

I am finally better once again. Breathing through two open nostrils is a luxury I once took for granted. If I get sick again this year, Wayne Brady WILL be choking a bitch.

READER POLL: Out of curiousity, what's the strangest thing you ever did in your sleep (that you know of, since of course you need credible witnesses seeing as how you were, you know, asleep) Leave a comment and let's see if we can get some good stories out of this.

My weirdest one was having a full, coherent conversation with a college roommate about the quiz I was supposed to be taking in biology that morning. Apparently she asked if I didn't need to get up since I had an 8am quiz but I informed her that it had been cancelled, and when her alarm went off, I instructed her to (if I recall correctly) "shut that f*cking thing off." Then I woke up at 7:50 for my 8am quiz which WAS still on and, crying the whole time, jammed my contacts in and some clothes on and took off.

Nyquil Dreams and Diphenhydramine Wishes

So yes, it's official, I'm sick again, and last night I had a hefty dose of Nyquil before falling asleep. I'm going to assume that the Nyquil was responsible for the crazy that followed but who really knows?

My dream started out with my being a bridesmaid for one of my Indian girlfriends who is already married. Not only was I wearing a poofy lavender satin gown, but my hair was done up in a style best described as "Epileptic Bouffant on PCP". Said horrendo hairstyle was also collapsing so I was running around trying desperately to pin it back in place when I ran into the new James Bond, Daniel Craig, sequestered in a closet watching all his own movies on DVD. This I found to be totally hilarious, so of course he became irate and then we started making out. Buh??? I don't even think the man is attractive (although yes ok, that shot of him in his swim trunks in Casino Royale is indeed tasty and delicious. From the neck down anyway.) So once I escaped his clutches I managed to catch a train (that was really a boat) with one of the girls who was in my sorority in college, some college kid, and a nice little lady who works at my company in our New Jersey office. I then hopped off the boat-train with my colleague in time to catch my best friend's sister driving around looking for my best friend. By this time my bridesmaid dress was gone and we were all running around in our underwear, which was ok because we had new dresses (this time in black satin - presumably my brain was starting to shake off the Nyquil) waiting for us. Except we still had to wear the purple veils that came with the original dresses.

I'm not sure if I should never take Nyquil again or take it every night from now on.

Curiouser and Curiouser

So, back from Boston safely and the client visit went ok. A couple of hiccups which our customer care department helped me work through relatively quickly. One completely weird thing is that I was flying back on the last flight out on Wednesday night, and the flight was pretty empty. I really thought the guy sitting on the other side of the plane was one of my friend's boyfriends, but I wasn't positive since I've only seen him a few times. So in addition to being unsure it was him, I was also pretty tired so I didn't say anything to him. I emailed my friend the next day and it turns out it WAS him. Freaky small world, yeah?

I cannot believe we are sitting here waiting for another blizzard. I want to cry but I know I have to conserve my energy to clear the driveway tomorrow.

I'm still crushing on my boy and he still seems to like me too. Unfortunately I had a dream that he turned into this guy:



Remember? Mel from the 70's sitcom "Alice"? Yeah. In my dream I had to pretend I was ok with this metamorphosis but dear Lord was I happy when I woke up. The boy is cute like a button and Mel is...not.

I suspect I might be catching another cold which would make this the craziest cold season ever for me - I rarely catch more than one cold a year. I am sucking down Airborne and Zicam hoping for the best.

I was thinking what would happen to CNN and the other 24-hr news schmoes if the Anna Nicole Smith story were proceeding at its usual surreal pace, AND there was another new break in the JonBenet Ramsey case AND Britney Spears busted out of rehab and got her labia pierced. Would Wolf Blitzer's head spontaneously combust?

Mixed Emotions

A list of emotions (in no particular order)

• Resignation: I have to fly out to Boston tomorrow to help a client with an installation. Thankfully it's a short trip and I'll be back late Wednesday night. Hopefully everything goes well. I also remembered late today that I would only need a carry-on bag and had no quart size Ziploc bags for any possible liquid thing I might need to take with, necessitating a quick trip to Walgreen's trying to find bags and hygiene products in 3 oz size or less. Sigh.
• Confusion: Why am I supposed to care that Britney Spears shaved her head?
  
• Gratitude: It didn't seem so cold out today and next week is supposed to warm up nicely (i.e. constant double-digit temperatures). The snowblower came out twice last week and I am so sick of dirty slushy white piles and cold.
  
• Discomfort: My back hurts. Getting older and falling apart is starting to suck.
  
• Happiness: I am crushing on a boy (well, a man) who seems to like me in return. Cute? Yes. Sweet? Yes. And that just describes me - he brings even more to the party.
• Fear: See happiness. Wondering and waiting to see what happens.
• Contentment: curling up on the couch with my two favorite kitties is still one of the best feelings ever.
  

Blog Dump

Hello sports fans, long time no blog, yes I know. It's been a long few weeks, which included:

• What felt like the longest business trip in the history of mankind (11 days total), a symphony of enforced sitting overlaid with boredom interspersed with mild hints of interest and irritation, all of which was conveniently joined midstream by
• A superfun cold whose remnants I am still regularly evicting from my nose. Luckily there was a Target next to my hotel and I could crawl over there and get one of every cold medicine I could find. Zicam tastes like metallic cherryass but I do think it helped me shake off the fun faster. I was feeling mostly human again by the time I came back home, which was also just in time for
• the most disappointing Super Bowl in recent history. Hexy Rexy showed up instead of Sexy Rexy. I said it when he got hired and I'm saying it again now - Ron Turner is not a good offensive coordinator. The Colts controlled the clock masterfully and thanks to the regular 3-and-out Bears offense (or if we were super lucky, interception/fumble-and-out) the defense was worn out by halftime and couldn't have been expected to defend a pork roast from an Orthodox Jew. Aside from the bitter aftertaste of having to hand Peyton Manning his Super Bowl ring, I remain mostly philosophical about this season and am optimistic about next year. Heck, no one saw the Super Bowl coming this year, so Lovie Smith and the gang did pretty all right.
  

Other tidbits and fun facts:

• This business trip also included a mandatory weekend stay to get to know your colleagues better. We had the choice of a day trip to the Livermore wine country (southwest - or wast it southeast? of San Ramon, CA) or a tour of San Francisco. Having been to SF several times I chose the wine country tour which was mostly fun. Real estate development is so rampant in California, that the local governments and folk really have to fight to preserve any land they can for the wineries. Really very surreal to drive by subdivisions of houses that are butt-up next to grapevines. There was a lot of wine tasting and I brought home a nice Pinot Noir from Tenuta Vineyards. (No relation to Judy Tenuta as far as I know)
• There's a possibility I may get to go to Montreal next month for work, if mgmt gives the ok and I can get an expedited passport in time.
• I completed my first experiment in cable knitting (a reversible cable-knit scarf) and it looks pretty good if I do say so. I'm still not wanting to try a sweater though.
• I am so sick of snow.
• Upon my return to the arctic chills of Chicago, my face dried up faster than my ladybits after seeing Kevin Federline's Super Bowl commercial. I need a better moisturizer. And to not see Kevin Federline ever again.
  

Blog Soup

Ok since I haven't blogged in a while, here is a mishmosh of stuff.

BEARS GO TO THE SUPER BOWL, BABY!!!!! WOOOOOO!!! The Bears are in the Super Bowl for the first time since I was a FRESHMAN IN HIGH SCHOOL. *does booty dance*. I think we might be able to beat the Colts if our defense and Sexy Rexy do as well as they did today against the Saints. Dome teams are notoriously bad in the post-season in open stadiums, which the Colts are and Dolphin Stadium is. So here's hoping we can stuff Peyton Manning and his hokey Sprint commercials in the can. And a bit of history-making, with Lovie Smith coaching the Bears and Tony Dungy coaching the Colts, this Super Bowl is the first one with ANY African-American head coaches, much less two of them going head to head. And the guys are best friends. Should be a good show.

I'm leaving Tuesday for the annual company conference and sales kickoff. Sigh. This time they are keeping us over a weekend for some casual teambuilding opportunity, and I have to stay an extra two days afterwards for a training course. So that's 11 days I have to be gone. At this point I just want to get it over with. I will miss my little kitties horribly.

I got this tin of dark chocolate-covered Altoids on Saturday. I thought they'd be weird but they're quite good.

As tagged by John of the Sarchasm
A - Available/Single or Taken? Single
B - Best Friend? Deb
C - Cake or pie? Cake.
D - Drink Of Choice? water or diet coke
E – Essential Item You Use Everyday? my teeth
F - Favourite Color? blue. Not public bathroom turquoise blue though.
G - Gummy Bears Or Worms? Gummy bears.
H - Hometown? North suburbs of Chicago
I - Indulgence? dark chocolate
J - January Or February? February - it's closer to spring
K - Kids & Their Names? No
L - Life Is Incomplete Without? a comfy pillow.
M - Marriage date? No
N - Number Of Siblings? zero
O - Oranges Or Apples? Fuji Apples
P - Phobias/Fears? Clowns are fuckers.
Q - Favourite Quote? That's like asking me to choose between shit and shit with corn. (Yes that's mine)
R - Reason to Smile? purring kitties and chocolate
S - Season? Spring or Fall? Fall, there's only 3.5 days of spring in Chicago.
T - Tag 3 or 4 people? Everyone I know has been tagged
U - Unknown Fact About Me? If I told you ingrates, it wouldn't be unknown.
V - Vegetable you don’t like? green peppers.
W - Worst Habit? I have none. I am awesome.
X - X-rays You’ve Had? just my sprained ankle.
Y - Your Favorite Food? Sushi
Z – Zodiac sign? Scorpio

Vacation Should Never End

I can't believe it's Friday already. I love being on vacation. Sleeping late, plus I've actually managed to be mildly productive and get rid of a ton of junk in my house. De-cluttering feels so amazingly good. However I've been careful not to go around the bend and turn into my mother who lines up her remote controls with razor precision on the coffee table.

On a sad note, a friend's mother lost her battle with breast cancer right before Christmas. My friend's been so amazing and strong through it all. It really makes me admire her more, and it brings home the fact that life is too short to keep saying "oh I'll get in touch with so-and-so sometime - I don't have time today." So one of my new resolutions will be to stay in better touch with my friends. Friends are too valuable to be put on the back burners of my life.

Tonight I'll be seeing my best friend and one of our other friends for dinner. Knowing us, we will eat way too much. So be it, that's what vacation's about. I have a feeling I'll lose my appetite in January while looking forward to both the Bears flubbing the playoffs and my 11-day trip for work at the end of the month. Sigh.

Toodles!

Kibbles and Bits

I cannot WAIT for vacation!!! I'm off starting the 21st through end of year. Twelve glorious blissful days off. Apart from the requisite get-togethers with family and friends, my main mission for this time is to have a serious junk-ditching festival. It is amazing the amount of junk I have amassed since moving into this house 3 years ago. I will start the New Year with a clean junk-free house. I anticipate the feeling of accomplishment will be much like that of taking a good dump.

The Bears, much to my surprise and pleasure, performed quite well on Monday night. Wonders will never cease. Now, if Grossman goes back to his usual crazy next week, I will have to cut a bitch.

What the hell is with Sylvester Stallone? I guess I gotta give the man kudos for giving Rocky and Rambo another shot but that's not even what bothers me. I can't find a good recent picture of his face right now, but it looks like he fell out the Botox tree and hit every single branch on the way down. His plastic surgeon should be beaten to within an inch of his/her soulless life.

My office Christmas party was last weekend and largely uneventful. Of course, since there was no one to impress, my hair and makeup turned out fantastic. I'm afraid about wearing that shirt out in public again - the whole night I felt like my breasts were about to take a header. Effective for some situations perhaps, but none of those situations would happen at an office Christmas party.

My Twee!!!

Why Do I Hate My Cat?

In the grand tradition of pet owners who love to annoy their pets, and stuffonmycat.com...


"What the -- bitch, you have got to be kidding me."


"I have had JUST about enough of this shit."

When Did Family Guy Start to Suck???

I just sat through an episode that didn't even get one tiny smile out of me. I just stuck around to the end to see if Tom Brady was really the voice. He's got kind of a weird voice.

Musin' on a Sunday Afternoon

I've heard a good amount of grumbling in the last week that the Chicago Bears have to be the most reviled 9-2 (10-2 as of today) team in the NFL. And it's true. But it's true for a good reason. The Bears don't play like a 10-2 team. The defense plays like a 12-0 team. The offense plays like they got stuck in the movie Groundhog Day - every single week they forget they have a running game that actually works and instead dial up stupid big bomb passes. Rex Grossman makes bad decisions on the field. Ron Turner makes bad decisions in the booth. And Lovie Smith should have reeled all their stupid asses in a long time ago. The defense deserves an offense that will do something productive and give them the time they need to rest in between possessions. But instead they're stuck with...Groundhog Day.

I'm nearly done with holiday shopping. Yesterday I made a small road trip to procure some gifts that I hope people will really like - can't discuss details here in case one or three of my giftees is reading. I was coming back down 94 on my way to another mall and saw a car consumed in flames. Horrible. I'm hoping the passengers got out before it caught fire. The mall was filled with the normal crazy of the holidays, compounded by the fact that the parking lots were kind of a mess thanks to the snowquake on Friday. I really don't understand how these teenage girls stay so thin when they walk SO SLOWLY - unless they burn all their calories talking "OMG did you hear what he said about her? And then she went and told him off and you would NOT believe what he went and did..." Ugh. I know I'm getting old but I really cannot remember acting like such a self-centered ass at that age.

Yesterday I also managed to put up my tree! I haven't put on the ornaments yet, but the pre-lit glory is up and operational, so that's progress for me. Along with a puddle of puke containing artifical pine needles since my cat Guinness INSISTED on sampling the branches - no matter how often those branches have made him puke in the past.

I have the requisite office holiday party this coming Saturday and it doesn't look as though the weather will give me an out like it did last year. Oh well, at least we're having it at a Brazilian churrascaria type restaurant so the food should be good.

Three Dreams

Well, last night's REM activity was one for the record books.

In my first dream, I was in a house, looking out the back door. I saw these lumps on the ground and didn't know what they were. Turns out they were dead baby hippos. I looked further out and there were a bunch of dead adult hippos lying all over the lawn. Then the house was under siege by some law enforcement agency (police/FBI/Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles I don't know) because they thought a man in the house had been poisoning all the local hippos. You know, since hippos are local to.....anywhere near me.


(Hippos. From somewhere else)

Next up was a dream where I was having Mad Monkey Love with Brian Urlacher of the Bears. Now anyone who knows me knows that Urlacher is not really my type


(Brian Urlacher. Not my type.)

However, he is a fantastic football player which I suppose has some kind of redeeming qualities to my psyche.

Or it could have something to do with the fact that in my next dream I was on a tour bus with Jim from The Office.

Who totally IS my type except for I never got to ask him if he would like to pokey my hokey because I woke up.


(Jim. Apparently my type but inaccessible.)

So it might all mean that I'm never going to get a guy I consider to be "my type" but will have to settle for Mad Monkey Love with someone who has other redeeming characteristics? Or that I will have to move closer to where hippos are. I really don't know, I'm not good at this kind of thing.

Of Smells and Men

Well, I officially fell way too far behind in National Novel Writing Month. I had about 32,000 words but it's so awful, I have ditched it and am going to revisit it in the new year. I picked a really difficult way to tell the story (1st person from many different people) and it's just flushing itself down the toilet hard. So be it, I had a good - well, ok - time trying.

I'm watching the Bears get kicked lightly by the Patriots. Put it this way - Fox Sports just replayed a montage of the Bears oopsies to the Benny Hill theme music. And Tom Brady broke a Brian Urlacher tackle - which is pretty much like being able to escape an oncoming speeding building. Well, it's not over yet I guess. I didn't have much hope for this one anyway.

So I had a pretty good Thanksgiving - the usual eating to the point of gastrointestinal distress, hanging out with friends and family, sleeping in late (I am NOT one of those jackalopes willing to set foot near a retail establishment on Black Friday) I got to see my quasinephew Alex and heard the new funniest thing a 2.5 yr old kid has ever said. Evidently his dad came home from work one day and Alex ran to hug him, and after a moment pulled back and said "You smell, Daddy." I can't believe he's speaking in complete, totally truthful sentences.

I have the vast majority of my holiday shopping done. Woohoo! Plus about halfway through the handmade projects I've planned. However, I haven't gotten my tree up yet, and my house is a disaster area. I might need to wrap this up and go clean right now actually. I think that's what I will do. Check all yer asses later.

Of National Novel Writing Month and Other Paltry Excuses for Not Blogging

Yes I've been gone for MONTHS. Eons, if you will. All 4 of my fans have bitched me out over this. Maybe there's 6 of you. It shouldn't be that hard to lose count with such a teeny number, but there you go, I never said I was good with math. Or with fingers.

I can't really explain just what drained the blogging spirit from me. It could have something to do with that spoiled brat of a cousin that I referred to before, whom I welcomed into my house and whom my parents did everything they could for, only to discover that she was the It Girl of the Ungrateful Entitlement Generation. And I had to spend 7 days carting her ass around Disney World. Earth-shattering trauma, no. Festering thorn in my side, yes. Thankfully she has left my household for good.

Maybe I had an unconscious desire not to jinx the flow of politics in this country, that flow consisting of a heretofore undreamed-of deluge of GOP good old boys shooting themselves in both feet. No, my Karl Rove voodoo doll didn't QUITE produce a "Money's on the dresser, Chocolate" moment but a veritable Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade of page diddling, mistress beating, and Jack Abramoff-ing was satisfying nonetheless.

Currently, I find myself buried in swill of my own making, brought on by National Novel Writing Month (see link in title) A crazy-ass, unrealistic, psychotic exercise, whose main goal is to produce a 50,000 word rough draft of a novel in 30 days. It is particularly good for "one day" novel writers like myself (as in "one day I'll write a novel") as a means of getting the lead out of my ass and just writing. Quantity is the goal, not quality. My evil Inner Editor has been beaten soundly and taken to the hospital, although the dumb twat still calls me from there with the occasional admonition and snorts of scorn and ridicule.

It has been interesting and sometimes even mildly gratifying to see how I can make myself move a story along if I try hard enough (granted, it moves in sporadic, brief, ugly bursts - rather like an unpredictable case of diarrhea). Conversely, it has been humbling to see what quantities and what depths of utter shit I have been able to produce so far. I have been able to keep pace for the most part (1,667 words per day in order to have 50,000 in 30 days) - you can see my progress in the little icon off to the right in the sidebar. To make things worse, I have stuck myself with a problematic, dark and mostly somber plot, which doesn't really suit my deadpan humor skillz at all. Although last night I DID manage to get in a dig about Meg Ryan and Sandra Bullock movies.

So I still may not be around much in the next month or so, with noveling and then holidaying right on the heels of that. But I do really really appreciate all six of you tuning in and giving me your support.

Toodles,
D

Just When I Thought I Saw All the Stupid in the World

So I'm leaving Target, and I see this woman park her pickup truck. She gets out of the truck and she's yarping on her cell phone as her daughters get out the other side. Great, so she was talking on her cell and driving with young children in the car. THEN, she starts to waltz toward the store - without even bothering to shut the door of the truck since she was STILL yapping on the phone. Her daughters had to call her back to shut her door. I'm so tired of all the dumbass in the world.

What Dreams May Come

So last night I dreamt that I was going to be deported. How that is possible and to where I would be deported, I don't know, seeing as how I was born in this country, but in the regime of George W. Bush my subconscious probably figured anything was possible. So I'm being deported, and a guy I haven't seen since I graduated college agreed to marry me to keep INS off my ass. He then proceeds to get pissy at me for taking him for granted. This is a marriage of convenience, I say, there IS NOTHING to take for granted. He sulks and indicates he wants the marriage to be a real marriage. I wake up. I don't know why these dreams happen to me.

Teddy Bears and Dick Cheney: The Evils of Stuffed Soulless Objects

So, Dick Cheney shot someone.

Other than that, things haven't been too exciting with me. Took my cousin shopping on Saturday and then over to meet my good Indian friends for dinner. Their kids are getting so big - makes me feel all the older.

I was in Target on Friday buying toys for said kiddies, and pondering which Pocket Polly sets to get for the little girls, when I hear a woman and her daughter behind me, apparently looking for a gift for another child. The little girl suggested a stuffed animal, and her mom positively SNAPPED something along the lines of "Don't be ridiculous. What if (the kid) has some kind of allergies? I don't know any mother that would appreciate that kind of present."

Am I seriously that behind the times that I just don't know about stuffed animals being considered as weapons of mass inflammation? What happened to getting nice squishy teddy bears as a gift? I freaking loved those things. When did stuffed animals become sinister and harmful? (And Teddy Ruxpin doesn't count.) Am I the only one who is horrified by the woman's reaction? I think what further rubbed me the wrong way is that, ok maybe stuffed animals are the work of Satan, but you don't have to respond to your child like s/he is a mentally impaired menace to society. I wish I weren't reminded so often that people suck.

My Super Bowl Commentary

This won't be lengthy as I have no stake in Super Bowl XL, just a few comments.

I don't really care who wins, but I do like Jerome Bettis, and Matt Hasselbeck is the brother-in-law of Elizabeth Hasselbeck, one of those vapid biddies who hosts The View on ABC. Not only can I not tolerate anyone who will work with Star Jones, but this particular vapid biddy spoke at the 2004 Republican National Convention. So I'm going to lean towards the Steelers.

What was with people booing Tom Brady for the coin toss? Sure I'm glad that for once in a bozillion years that the Patriots aren't in the Super Bowl, but come on, there's no need to boo the guy. It's not like he's Randy Moss.

Al Michaels = cheesedick.

Rolling Stones for the halftime show = safe choice, somewhat boring, better than Britney Spears wearing a sock on her arm or Janet Jackson Boobgate every single day of the year. I guess you gotta credit them dried-up pieces of leather for their sheer stamina to keep on keepin' on.

September 24, 2006 - the New Orleans Saints will be back in the Superdome!!! Whoohoooo!!!

My Weekend - Sushi, Chatty Cathies, and Getting Molested by a 2 yr old

So, the summary for this weekend.

My cousin has been itching to see the sights in downtown Chicago, so I finally had a weekend with enough time to devote the day to take her down there. We got on the train and hopped over to the Sears Tower. I don't think I'd been to the Skydeck in at least 20 years if not more. My cousin was properly shocked and awed by the view from there. It was a bit too cloudy to see really far, but we got to see enough. We're peering out at the Hancock and Navy Pier, when I feel tiny fingers on my inner thigh. Whaaa??? I look down for the owner of the fingers, get a little 2 yr old girl by the hand and say "I'm not your mom, hon!" She looks up at me, completely unfazed, lets go of my hand and goes to burrow in the correct set of legs ( I assume.) I wasn't even wearing the same color pants as her mother.

Skygaping done, we went over to have lunch at Cheesecake Factory at the bottom of the Hancock, which my cousin also loved, and then did some shopping at Water Tower. My cousin actually ran into a girl there who was her best friend during kindergarten in Korea. The girl's living in Chicago now studying English. How crazy is that? Cuzz nearly had a heart attack.

Then, my aunt insisted that my cousin buy my mom a birthday present, which is no easy task. Mom is the worst person in the world to buy presents for. Anyone who thinks I'm the worst person to buy for should meet my freaking mom. Not only do clothes and jewelry not work for her, but she is one of 7 women in the world who has no interest in bath and body stuff or candles. Knitting or crocheting stuff for her in the last year has been my saving grace. We ended up not getting anything for her at WT, but came back home and checked out the local mall, where we got a bamboo plant in a ceramic dragon dish, and this (Japanese?) teeny tiny wooden scene thing encased in glass. Or something.

On the way back home on the Metra, my cousin and I were seized with private giggling and sympathy at the plight of a woman across the aisle, who had gotten caught in the throes of an Overly Friendly Talker. This poor little woman had gotten stuck in the same seats as a gentleman who would. not. shut. up. The beleaguered woman had to get on her cell phone to get a break from him. And when her call regrettably ended, of course the man just started talking again. I informed cousin that this is why she can't come to Chicago alone on the train. She was properly put off the idea for good. Evidently in Korea, Overly Friendly Talkers are non-existent, so she's quite startled when strangers talk to her at all.

Sunday was Mom's birthday, so I took my cousin and the p's over to Todai Seafood Buffet in Schaumburg which means all you can eat sushi. Gooooooood stuff. Sushi is really just an excuse for me to eat wasabi. Mom loved the lace scarf that I made her and the gifts from my cousin, plus the carrot cake that we made for her turned out pretty freaking yum. I'm getting old as I am just freaking exhausted right now. Trying to stay awake and knit and peek alternately at the Super Bowl and the 2nd Annual Animal Planet Puppy Bowl. I don't really get the purpose of the Puppy Bowl - it seems to be 3 straight hours of watching puppies play. But I can think of a lot worse ways to spend my time than watching puppies.

I'm putting paid to this post and inviting one of my kitties to sit on my lap instead of this machine. Toodles.

And You Thought America Was Repressed

So, I've been learning a few things about life in Korea from my new roomie, my cousin. One of the major things is that Koreans are VERY appearance-conscious. LK may make fun of me for having seen me in sneakers only once, but I'm a Price Mart piece of trash compared to the importance that Koreans seem to place on their images.

Women are extremely conscious of their weight - fat women are very rare in Korea. Men are also conscious of their weight although maybe not to the exact same extent. Plastic surgery is more common in Korea than in America. (although if the average American could afford it I'd be interested to see where the rates would skyrocket to - Pluto, or only Uranus. Hee hee, Uranus.) And Koreans LOVE their designer brand names. Ralph Lauren, Tommy Hilfiger, if it's an overpaid American designer, they want to wear it and wear them logos LARGE.

So this leads into tonight, when my cousin and I were watching Project Runway on Bravo, which we both love. It's really interesting to see what kinds of designs the contestants come up with, and of course any reality tv is a fine study in train wreck sociology. I made the comment that I would marry one of the men working for the show (he seems to be the majordomo of the show, Tim Gunn, for those of you who watch.) even though he may be gay. My cousin was quite surprised to find out that a large percentage of the men on the show were in fact gay. She's also been exposed to Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, which seems to have given her the impression that there are a LOT of gay men in America. She commented that she didn't think there were many gay men at all in Korea. I said "or maybe there are, but they just haven't told anyone." Because let's face it, where there are people, there are heterosexuals and homosexuals. Whether or not they can speak about it, and consequently how much their presence is recognized, is largely defined by their culture and environment. And I think it's likely that in Korea, people just don't speak about homosexuality much. Granted, my cousin is only 20, and I had encountered a lot less gay people at 20 than I have by the ripe old age of 34. But I very much doubt that she will encounter too many openly gay Korean men, just because it seems like the appearance-conscious culture over there is not amenable to them.

But honestly, where do they think they are getting all their beloved designer brand name clothes from? Straight men??? Have they SEEN the way straight men dress????

I LIVE

It's true. I do live. I did not off myself or drive off a cliff or elope with Puff the Magic Dragon. (wouldn't that be cool, though?) Things just got uber nuts with the holidays and me getting a new roomie that there hasn't been time or energy to blog. So what are the highlights for all you sports fans?

For you literal sports fans, I bet my dad $20 that Rex Grossman would hurt himself during the playoffs. There was that one play at the end of the game when he ran and slid where I was sure I would win me some cash money. But no money for me and no win for the Bears.

My cousin arrived at the end of December, right before Christmas. We have pretty much gotten used to each other, and luckily for me she is very nice. Hopefully she thinks the same of me but hey - I'm the landlady, she don't got no other choice. She has started school at the local community college and has oodleloads of homework. There's of course still lots of gaps in communication but after all she is here to learn English better so that's to be expected. So far she's in awe of many things in America, namely what we show on tv (South Korean tv is VERY restricted evidently), the shopping outlet prices, and the concept of making baked goods at home. Oh, and how frigging much we eat. Her living here has made a positive impact on my waistline, as I think more about how much I am really eating, and we have also become workout buddies, doing yoga and/or Pilates nearly every day.

And that's a good thing because I'm going to be a bridesmaid for my best friend's brother's fiancee. We went to look at wedding dresses for her yesterday and the lucky girl ended up buying the first one she tried on. It's truly one of the more unique gowns I have seen and it is gorgeous on her. I got to flashback to 2001 and try on some bridesmaid dresses. Some things never change, and how I look in pink satin is one of them. Thankfully, she does NOT want pink dresses for us. The couple is a bit overwhelmed with wedding planning so I am glad to pitch in with any remaining bridesmaid powers I retained from 2001.

My new favorite quote (and it is perhaps hubris to quote myself but it's my frigging blog, so deal with it) was in response to playing the game "Who Would You Do?" with my friends John and LK, and being presented with the choice between two disgusting nasty ex-co-workers:

(Me) "That's like choosing between shit and shit with corn."

My other new favorite quote is from Brokeback Mountain, which I saw with John and LK.
(Jack) "This is one goddamned bitch of an unsatisfactory situation."
I need to use that all the time. The movie was pretty good by the way. Not the best movie I ever saw in my whole life, but really pretty good. Though the 1970's portion of the movie DID make me fall out of love with Jake Gyllenhaal. DAMN YOU, NED FLANDERS.

I went to San Francisco for a work conference. I happened to be on the same flight out there with John who was also going out there for work, so we hit a fried chicken place for dinner when we got there. That was basically the highlight of the trip for me. The conference was dead boring. We sat and listened to so many presentations that my ass nearly collapsed in on itself. I had to actively pray that I would not experience an Ass Supernova, or worse yet an Ass Black Hole that would suck in all the boring around me and create a new Boring Galaxy. When you think that perhaps a presentation by a motivational speaker (3-time Olympic luge medalist. You heard me. Luge.) was perhaps the high point of the conference, you know that things were bad. Real bad. But seeing the Europeans that I used to work with was really nice.

Next week is Mom's birthday, and my cousin and I are planning to make her favorite, carrot cake for the occasion. My cousin is totally excited at a) the prospect of making more baked goods at home and b) she really likes carrot cake.

My mother on the other hand, is not such a whiz at baking (it's really just not done in Korea at home, so she never had to learn.) although she's a super fantastic cook. To illustrate the sheer depth and breadth of her baking don't-know-how, I bring you the following story.

My mom buys stuff on sale. She'll just about buy any type of food if it's buy one get one at the Jewel. I once told her that I really think she'd buy George Bush if he was on sale. She assured me that she wouldn't but I don't really believe her. So around Christmastime, she purchased two tins of fudge because they were $2.50 apiece.

Now, I hate fudge. The texture squicks me out nearly as bad as heavy cheesecake. My cousin had just tried fudge at my friend's house and really disliked it. So Mom brings out two tins of fudge, and none of us can really eat it as it turns out that she and my pops didn't end up liking it either. So she's stuck with a boatload of fudge.

At this point, you'd think the logical thing to do was to melt the fudge down and mix it with instant grits. What? That's not the logical thing to do? Well it's what Mom ended up doing in an attempt to salvage the fudge. Not only did she mix it with instant grits she mixed it with UNCOOKED instant grits. Not only did she mix it with UNCOOKED INSTANT GRITS but one of the fudge flavors happened to be strawberry cheesecake, which rendered the entire mess a sickly pinkish-brown. This resulted in the effect that once the mess was cooled and cut into squares, it looked EXACTLY. LIKE. SPAM. That's right, my mom got a chocolate product to resemble POTTED PORK SHOULDER AND HAM. We tasted it out of curiousity - I had to wipe off my tongue and drink water and eat something else. The texture was even worse than you'd expect. My only regret is not getting pictures of the pseudoSpam.

Well, I think that's some of the high points anyway, and hopefully I will be much better this year about keeping up the blog. Thanks for any fans (all 3 of you) who may have stuck around this long. Mooches smooches.

Questionable Weekend

So this weekend was the first I had to myself in a while. Saturday I got some knitting done, some cleaning done, and I'm feeling pretty good about my productivity so far.

Then, around 4:30 Saturday afternoon, I ran out to get gas and some groceries. On my way home, the "check engine" light goes on in my car. SH*T!!! Maybe I can make it home. Nope. Car starts stuttering and SMOKING, I pull over and turn on hazards. It's raining. It's dark. I left my cell phone on the charger.

I open the hood but can't see anything b/c it's dark and of course, the flashlight in my car has dead batteries. I start freaking a little. Eventually, a fire rescue car from my town stopped, took a look at my engine and said a hose was blown (which was totally obvious once there was light.) He lent me his cell phone so I could call my dad to come get me, and said he'd call the sheriff and let them know the car would be on the side of the road till I could get it towed.

While waiting for Dad, two police cars pull up and ask if I need help. One called a tow truck for me and Dad got there and I piled my groceries in his car. A lot of rain and cold later, I'm back home. I was really lucky that the police and fire rescue saw me relatively quickly to help. They rock as far as I'm concerned.

Dad got a new hose and installed it this morning, and we put some more coolant in and got the car started again. The car's still a bit stuttery when I hit the gas - Dad thinks a belt may have gotten wet while we were all staring at the engine in the rain. The "check engine" light is still on - it may just need to be reset by a mechanic, but dear old Dad is going to take it in tomorrow to get it checked out. I have a conference call and a phone interview tomorrow or I'd do it.

I think the rain and the cold have gotten the best of me though - now I'm pretty sure I have a fever and I have a headache. Oh well, escaping this mess with a cold is pretty frigging good if you ask me.

I am wrapped in blankets now watching the Bears game. The Saints just "fumbled", although it still looks to me like the guy lost control of the ball after he was down. Oh well, I guess that's one for us. Our QB, Kyle Orton cracks me up because he looks like he's all of 15 yrs old, a fact he may have realized as he's gone and grown a big-boy beard, which just makes him look like a 15 yr old with sad chin pubes.

I'm going to stop typing now and snuggle back under the covers. Cheers, y'all.

A Conversation Between Me and My Cat

Guinness: (surreptitious chewing plastic bag noise)
Me: Guinness?
Guinness: (louder faster chewing plastic bag noise)
Me: Guinness!!!
Guinness: (warp speed chewing plastic bag noise)
Me: GUINNESS!!!!!
Guinness: Mrroow? What did I do, bitch?

No I'm Not Dead

I just didn't feel like blogging for a while. So here I am to plunge into the random.

The White Sox have a good chance to win the Series. As an avid Cubs fan, I will not insult the real Sox fans by jumping on the bandwagon. Also, I just don't want to. But I do hope that the Sox win the Series and maybe the Cubs will be shamed into getting a decent pitching staff. Look, Tribune Company, look at what a baseball team can do with an actual BULLPEN.

It's been a cold and dark year in sports for me, period. The Bears are at the top of the worst NFL division in recorded history. Any team who makes it to the playoffs from the NFC North may as well just not show up as they will vaporize upon contact with a real team. And my trusty alma mater, Illinois, whose football team I thought surely could not get worse after Ron Turner left, can get worse and did get worse. This past weekend was a 63-10 gouging by Penn State. The pain just never stops.

Yesterday I turned 34. It's kind of a weird feeling - I'm "mid-30's" now. My brain hasn't progressed past "late 20's". I've gotten lots o cool gifts though - my friends have noticed my knitting freak to say the least - I got two gift cards to Michaels craft store and lots of cool knitting stuff.

This morning I had to bite my lip to not walk into the office and quit after a super fun 90 minute commute. I really need a new gig.

I think I'm getting sick despite the horse sized vitamin C's I usually take. Bleh.

Of Feline Discourse and Other Things

My cats do not love each other. I think my second cat, Molly, ranges from indifference to a mild desire to be friends with Guinness. He on the other hand, ranges from elder-statesman condescension/civility to outright bitchslapping. If they were to be equipped with Meowlinguals (which I would never allow them to be), I think it would go something like this:

(Untranslated conversation)
Guinness: "Murr."
Molly:"Mew-oo."

(Translated conversation)
Guinness: "Bitch."
Molly: "Asshole."

---

The Bears thankfully didn't lose this weekend, since they didn't play this weekend. My alma mater, Illinois, further distinguished themselves a week after their 61-14 obliteration by Michigan State, by losing to Iowa 35-7. I feel somehow that this is all Barry Bonds' fault.

---

I assigned myself way too many knitting projects and have been knitting like your grandma on speed.

---

I'm going to visit my best friend for her birthday this weekend. She lives in Springfield. It will at least be nice to be together.

---

If you can have a Supreme Court Chief Justice who's been a judge for all of 45 minutes, I guess you can have a Justice who's never been a judge at all. I'm starting to think that the Supreme Court is like getting a job at the Gap - only you have to be one of Dubya's friends first.

These Dirty Whores Should Be Beat to a Pulp

People are fuckers.

No One is More Surprised Than Me

I am watching the Bears game. The Bears are currently engaged in wiping the Detroit Lions all over Soldier Field. They are scraping Detroit off their cleats and serving Lion pate on crackers. I think it's a combination of the Bears defense being hot, the Bears offense not sucking dirt, and Detroit doing a lot of things wrong.

One thing, I understand the Bears being jubilant and wanting to pound some more ass, because let's face it, pounding ass is a new feeling for us. Pummeling your opponent after the shitty run the Bears have had has to be so tasty and delicious that I bet these guys won't need dinner. But the game's almost over - lay off the pressure before someone valuable gets hurt. That is all. Otherwise, WHOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Edited to add: the Bears have won 38-6, which is the biggest margin of victory they've had since October 4, 1987. That means since DITKA. I don't want to get excited here but damn this feels good for once. No matter how brief it may turn out to be.

gross

What is with you assholes who can't flush after yourselves in public bathrooms? Seriously. WTF is your damn problem???

The Abnormal Growth (or My Knitting Has Spawned a New Blog)

I've updated my links to include my new blog for knitting, since my readership (all 5 of you) are mostly non-knitters and are likely bored when I post knitting mumbojumbo. So I'm stuffing everything knit-related in there, and will just be my usually curmudgeony self here.

Cheers,
D

In and Out and Back in Again

So I never watched the movie In and Out starring Kevin Kline. Just never got around to it. It happens to be on USA right now so after Law & Order SVU I decided to keep crocheting and not change the channel.

This movie is stuffed full of stupid cliche gay jokes - it's actually just stuffed full of plain stupid. Why did so many people like this movie? I found myself being grateful that we have come farther than this with respect to homosexuality - and then I remember Rick Santorum and the gozillion other gaybashing bigots in the world and realize we haven't come very far at all.

On the bright side, I forgot that a guy I went to high school with was in this movie. Aside from the coach who faked his own death to spur his team into victory, he's probably one of the most famous guys the school turned out.

Warm Up America

...is a pretty cool way to help out Katrina victims if you know how to knit or crochet. Warm Up America is an organization collecting anything you can knit/crochet. If you want to do a whole afghan on your own, excellent. Otherwise, you can knit or crochet 7in x 9in squares, which you can send on to them and they will join them into afghans to be given to Katrina victims. I've joined the blog Knit Katrina Squares - and sending my squares on to one of the people there who lives close to WUA headquarters and who is also joining contributed squares with help from some ladies at her church, I believe. Which is so excellent as my squares are ok (I did two this weekend) but my joining and finishing is unbelievable crap.

Please Keep the Positive Thoughts Coming

Side note:
I just want to say that The Sarchasm is doing a bang-up job on Katrina-related issues and commentary. Check it out, she's doing a much better job than I ever could on this topic.

The real reason for this post:
My friend's husband had surgery last week to remove tumors which turned out to be cancerous. He has a particularly complicated situation because of previous health issues, so he suffered some complications which are hopefully clearing up as we speak. And he starts chemo in a couple of weeks. Please send a prayer or otherwise positive thought if you can. Thanks.

Scraping the Bottom of the Barrel

"I'm not scared at all about being a rookie quarterback. I think I'm right where I need to be."
-Kyle Orton, starting QB for the Bears

Ok the NFL pre-season is over, and it's time for the Bears to suck at will. Actually, if this guy Orton can come through, we have a chance at a season that is not jam-packed with despair. Orton's right, I guess, in that if you are a rookie who wants to prove yourself, the place to do it is a team that does not have dick in the quarterback lineup. If you're not hurt, you're playing because we have no other farking choice but you. I'm not holding my breath though. But I will at least check out the first few games. September 11 v. Washington - let the mayhem begin.

Claustrophobic

I'm staying up late because HA! I'm on vacation. I'm watching Fatal Attraction on tv and I forgot how incredibly annoying this movie is. I mean, the plot's good I guess, but the Glenn Close and Michael Douglas characters make me suffocate. I'm practically breaking out in hives from her cloying psychotic dependency, and his encouraging it makes it worse. In fact, I consider him the bigger annoyance since she's obviously got the extenuating circumstance of severe mental issues. Sure, they're only movie characters, but you know there are real people out there like this. Maybe it's not their fault, maybe it is, but whatever the case, clingy people make me NUTS. I might have to take some benadryl to get through to the bathtub scene.

Couple of Things

My friend's husband's surgery is tomorrow, if anyone has extra good thoughts to spare for him, he could really use them. Thanks.

The horrors of Katrina keep piling up. It's really humbling and makes me appreciate what I have - family and friends and a roof over my head and dry ground under my feet.

I generally like the people around me but man do the asshats have a way of ruining things for the rest of us.

Asshats aside, I am starting vacation in one hour and for that, I am grateful.

You're Just Jealous Because the Voices Only Talk to Me

Katrina is a bitch. The misbegotten weather nightmare, not any specific person, so don't reply to this in outrage if you know and love a Katrina. I did know one Katrina once who was a bitch but I assume she's not indicative of all Katrinas. Anyhow, if you have been or know someone who has been affected by Katrina, I'm really sorry. What a farking mess. Horrible.

I came up with a new moniker for the pustulent evil scag in my office - Bizarro Visa - she's everywhere you don't want her to be.

I'm taking Thursday and Friday off, for which, thanks be to God and vacation accrual. Work sucks.

My latest get-rich novelty idea is knitted penis cozies. They would come in a limited size selection, since they would stretch. So far I have designs for candy cane, ,Rudolph the Red-Nosed Johnson, and Ribbed for YOUR Pleasure. (Candy cane could easily be adapted to sports teams and school colors) They will be knit from a soft acrylic yarn probably (ease of washing) unless you piss me off during the ordering process in which case yours will be knit from steel wool. No, I will not be taking custom measurements. Small sizes can be accomodated, and no one will laugh at them I promise. Even teeny weenies deserve to stay warm.

What's the Good Word?

Why is Scotch Blue Painter's Tape trying to convince me that painting my house is a kicky and flirty activity best done with my significant other? And why is painting your bathroom to resemble a pink jail cell at all sexy?

Here are the mittens and scarf that I recently completed for a birthday present. They don't look really good where the thumb meets the palm, but otherwise I am quite pleased with them.





Turns out my cousin is majoring in economics, not political science. She emailed me with some pictures - she is cute like button. I hope we don't scare her too much.

Last week I found out a friend's husband has cancer. I'm not sure what the details are (The word "cancer" tends to blur the details) but he is scheduled for surgery next week. If you could spare a prayer or a positive thought for him, it would sure be appreciated.

Last week at work I experienced an unusual concurrence of events in my appearance - good hair, cute outfit, shaved legs - all wasted on the people I work with. If for no other reason than that I need a new job.

Lucky Sevens (damn you LK, you know I can't resist these things)

7 Things you plan to do before you die.
1. Go to London, France, Germany, and Japan's Kansai Airport before it sinks
2. Write a book
3. Buy a hybrid car
4. Learn how to play the saxophone
5. Make a will
6. Attend a taping of the Daily Show with Jon Stewart
7. Make an asshole suffer

7 Things you can do.
1. Know when to hold em
2. Know when to fold em
3. Know when to walk away and
4. Know when to run

Just kidding.

1. Conduct minor surgery using only my razor wit
2. Knit
3. Clasp my hands behind my back so it looks like my back is praying
4. Assemble IKEA furniture with a minimum of swearing and leftover parts
5. Recall completely useless information like 80's music lyrics and why the anterior cruciate ligament and the medial collateral ligament are usually the ones affected in sports injuries
6. Make a Chicken Saltimboca that will kick your arse
7. Pick small items up with my toes

7 Things you can't do.
1. Tolerate assholes
2. Play the piano
3. The five point palm exploding heart technique
4. Code for the rest of my life
5. Spend any amount of time in Pat Robertson's immediate vicinity
6. Get my Karl Rove voodoo doll to work
7. Watch the Bears this season

7 Things that attract you to the opposite sex.
1. Sense of Humor
2. Honesty
3. Compassion
4. Intelligence
5. Face
6. Lack of mullet
7. Lack of Body Odor

7 Things you say most.
1. Dude
2. No
3. Sure why not?
4. Damn
5. Who's a stupid pooper?
6. Shut it.
7. It's all good.

7 Celebrity crushes.
1. Jon Stewart
2. Edward Norton
3. George Clooney
4. Ralph Fiennes
5. Don Cheadle
6. Jimmy Stewart (Hall of Fame)
7. Sean Connery (Hall of Fame)

7 People you want to take this quiz. Like 7 people even read this farking blog.

Nuts

I am going nuts. NUTS I TELL YOU. I need a vacation so bad. I really hope I can take some time off in September. Maybe at least I can take a couple of days off and make it an extra long Labor Day wkend. I need a break something fierce.

NOW I have seen everything

I just saw another Lee Iacocca Chrysler commercial. A Lee Iacocca Chrysler commercial with Snoop Dogg. SNOOP DOGG AND LEE IACOCCA. PLAYING GOLF. This is worse than Ice T producing David Hasselhoff's rap album.

What's Going On

I don't have much hope for this year's Bears. I need to start watching the games to see what this new guy Orton looks like, but with Rex Grossman injuring himself out of most of the season - again - I just don't know. I've seen no indication when he did play that he's a good enough quarterback to wait for while he recovers - again. Maybe I'll start watching IHL hockey again - I can only deal with so much sports misery in one year.

It turns out that I may have a houseguest around Christmas. One of my cousins, (my mom's youngest brother's daughter) who lives in South Korea, wants to come to the States for a year as kind of an English language immersion. From what I gather (Mom and Dad weren't positive on this one), she's studying political science/foreign affairs over there right now (she's a sophomore in college) Dad found out there's a program at College of Lake County where she can take some classes to work on English speaking and presentation. The point of her coming here wouldn't be to go to a prestigious school (obviously) but to really get immersed and get the hang of English conversation. So if it works out, she'll be staying with me, and since Mom and Dad are both retired they can drive her wherever she needs to go if I have to go to work or whatever. I think it should be interesting and just hope she doesn't think it'd be boring to live with an old fuddy-duddy like me. If she really is a poli sci major, it'd be interesting to hear her views on Korean government and society. And she could hang out and watch CNN in her free time ha ha. I'm seriously tempted to delete Fox News from my tv lineup if she is interested in keeping up with the news though.

A kind of odd thing happened this weekend. One of my friends im'ed me late Friday at work and said she wanted me to meet this guy she works with. She gave me a few details and I said sure, even if we don't hit it off, he sounds like he'd be a good friend and I love my guy friends. So she gave him my yahoo im. Saturday he im'ed me while I was out, and I replied when I got home. We spent 2 hrs on im, and then he asked if he could call me so we spent 3 more hrs on the phone at the end of which he asked if he could call me again. He thinks I'm really funny, which, duh. He seemed pretty nice and we have similar senses of humor. My friend said he's cute but I haven't seen for myself yet, and he evidently saw a really old unflattering picture of me, so we may not dig each other in person still. But it looks like I at least have me a new friend!

I'm working on the 2nd mitten for my quasifuture sister-in-law Kelly. I showed the first mitten to my mom and she said I did a REALLY good job which is really effusive praise coming from my mom. So that was a nice feeling. I hope she likes them - she's the type of person who's so nice she'd wear them even if she hated them, but it'd be nice if she actually liked them too.

Well that's all for me today, catch yous all later...

The Word You're Looking for is "....ANYWAY...."

Oh the weirdness.

The other night I had a dream that I was on a scavenger hunt with John Kerry. When I found the item we were looking for (I think it was a Wonder Woman picture), he hugged me. I was really uncomfortable, as most of you know I don't like being hugged and John Kerry doesn't exactly evoke warm fuzzy huggy feelings.

The next night I had a dream that I was helping federal agents capture Lindsay Lohan so she could be committed to a mental institution. Again, whaaaa????

My cat Guinness loves water. He loves eating grass and licking fruits that are really juicy, like watermelon. The other day I put a piece of watermelon in a dish for him to lick on. His delighted mewing immediately brought my other cat Molly on the scene, expecting delicious treats like, well, meat. I let her sniff a piece of the watermelon and she physically recoiled, hopping back a few steps and glaring at me with her "Bitch, what in the holy name of FOUL was that???"

Anaconda is on tv right now. I remember nothing about this movie except Jon Voight getting eaten and subsequently puked back up by an anaconda. Wow did JLo look bad in this movie. Her eyebrows are nearly plucked bald. Funny what a kojillion dollars will do for your look. It obviously gets you better eyebrows.

I was hoping to take a week off in Sept or Oct and just veg but it's possible that won't happen depending on what lands on my plate at work. I'm thinking about just leaving at Thanksgiving and coming back to work in 2006.

There was just a commercial on for Crayola Erasable markers and crayons. Personally I thought it was a good learning experience to have to try and incorporate a crayon oopsie into your drawings and have it make sense. Now kids won't have to learn to live with the consequences of oopsies, they just get to erase them. I'm probably overly paranoid thinking that this has something to do with the seeming decline of personal accountability in the younger generations, but maybe I'm not. Then again, if parents have to leave it to Crayola to teach their children about living with mistakes, things probably weren't going to turn out well anyway.

If the Cubs were Native Americans...

I have decided their name would be Sucks at Relief Pitching, or Strands Men on Base. What a terrible, ugly game. At least our seats were really good - 1st row of the upper deck, I think that's the best view I've ever had...the best view with which to view the carnage. Oh the carnage.

A Day of Crushes

I really am sad about Peter Jennings passing away. I had a crush on him in jr high or high school - maybe both. And I can't believe CNN has already dumped the story from its homepage - in favor of Man forgets wife at gas station. Horrible. I wonder if Fox News carried the story for more than 30 minutes. I do not want to bother finding out.

Today I also got to hear the 1st runner-up for my Lifetime Sweet Baboo title, but I kind of think that one is wearing off, maybe because he lives on another continent. My still-undisputed Champion Sweet Baboo at least lives in Texas. (For those of you reading this thinking "WTF kind of pills is she ON."..."Sweet Baboo" is a title I hand out to men I really like and respect who, for at least one reason (such as being married), I would never consider trying to get with. And no, not every married/otherwise unsuitable man gets this title, you need a little something special to get crowned "Sweet Baboo." Don't bother working for it, you are either born a sweet baboo or you aren't.

I just got done watching The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, which today included THREE of my major crushes - Ed Helms (shut up, LK), Jon Stewart, and the actor Paul Rudd. So much geeky snuggly pale white humor all in 22 minutes - the best 22 minutes of the day. Except for the 10 seconds of Bill Frist talking to Elmo. That was just weird.

Good Night, Peter

There goes the last of the decent news anchors. Sigh.

Where Do Horses Go When They Die?

I was having dinner with one of my best friends (my two best friends are sisters), and she was telling me she had talked to her sister Debbie (my other best friend).

Debbie apparently called Meeyun and put her on speakerphone. She then asked "Where do horses go when they die?"

Meeyun: "Is this a trick question?"

Debbie: "No. Where do horses go when they die?"

(As Meeyun is telling me this, I think "Heaven. After a stop at the glue factory")

Meeyun: "The glue factory???"

Sounds of Debbie's triumph and gloating at her husband issue forth over the phone line.

Evidently Debbie and her husband had been in the car, behind a horse trailer, and Eric was feeling bad about the horses being stuck in the trailer, when Deb said "It's better than heading for the glue factory," Eric had never heard of this before, so he and Deb had a brisk discussion over her statement's validity. (And yes, all of us do think Alpo in addition to glue factory)

So far the replies to my earlier post have dog food in first place, followed by glue factory (John also told me glue factory earlier) and then heaven. In any case, I hope that eventually horses do end up in heaven. I know a particularly annoying whore who loves horses and any horses she's had contact with certainly must deserve to go to heaven at the very least. And horses in general just seem to be cool and non-judgemental.

I Remember...

...when Grape-Nuts used to be harder (you were right, John). When I was little I lost a baby tooth on Grape-Nuts. I don't know why as a kid I even asked my mom for Grape-Nuts instead of the sugary goodness of Frosted Flakes or Captain Crunch. Probably because I was used to Nature Valley granola bars being my only source of "candy". Anyhoo, I had the tooth when I started the bowl and didn't have it when I finished it. Meaning I also ate the tooth. I know, ew. My mom recently bought some Grape-Nuts for herself and Pops, but they thought they were too hard and gave them to me. They are kind of tasty. But they are softer than they were back in the day.

Golden Palace

Did anyone else know that there was a spinoff of The Golden Girls sitcom called The Golden Palace? My tivo said it's from 1992. And did you further know that this Golden Palace sitcom co-starred Don Cheadle and Cheech Marin? I feel dirty now.

Lightning Round Blog

I'm wearing a tank top and forgot to shave the underarms this morning. I have a shrug/shawl on over it, but I am still very self-conscious.

Yesterday I woke up to Molly licking my butt. I don't know what her reasoning was.

I was so disappointed to come to the office today and hear the voices of people I dislike. A lot.

Why do people think it's ok to have loud discussions in a small shared area?

I'm going to the Cubs game next Tuesday - schweeeeeeet.

Where do horses go when they die? Post the first thing you think of in the comments.

I seriously need to clean the house.

Mean people suck.

Inconsiderate people suck.

I'm in the middle of knitting mittens for my quasi-future-sister-in-law and I don't think they will look good with her winter coat. LK tells me I'm crazy, but what does she know, her feet smell like provolone cheese. And the despair of the masses.

I really wish I had stayed home today.

Or that I had a big bagel with a schmear. I saw a show on food network about bagels and realized I haven't had one in ages.

I just poked my festively plump tummy and realized it does not need a big bagel with a schmear. Theoretically I should be able to live off my tummy insulation for months.

Moochies smoochies to everyone.
D

On Cats: Observations and Musings

I have had Guinness for over 4 years now, Molly for almost 2. These are the first pets I ever had (when your mother insists on keeping her house looking like no one has ever lived there, pets are never part of the equation)

In the beginning, I did not know what the hell I was doing with Guinness. I was going to go with Johnny and LK to look for a kitten to adopt. I went to Petsmart to pick up the necessary supplies that I'd need for when a kitty came home with me. That's when I saw the ARF (Animal Rescue Foundation) kitties that were for adoption there. I went in the cage room and nearly every cat got up and presented their butts to me and lay back down. I thought - "man, I KNEW cats were assholes!!!" I got to the end of the row, and this cat came to the front of the cage. Hmm. He let me pet his paw. HMM.

I left the room, thinking, well I need to take some time off to get a kitty used to me and I can't do that now. I looked back. Maybe I will just spend another minute with him. This happened two more times. The last time, I was stroking his paw, and he lay down in the cage and lay his head on top of my finger. DOH!!! I couldn't let him stay there. I put a hold on him and came back to get him the next day.

Well, the first day he was with me I spent lots of time yelling at him to get off things and squirting him with a water gun when he hopped on countertops. I seriously did not think this was going to work out at ALL. I sat on the couch watching him explore, when he jumped on the couch, put his paws on my shoulder and started purring. HMM??? No one told me that cats purring would be so cute. All right my good man, you may stay another day.

I bugged John and LK with a LOT of cat questions since I did not know dick when it came to taking care of them. It ranged from "He eats food, now what do I do?" all the way to "Can you believe the frigging beast ate a RUBBER BAND??? And it was hanging out his ASS???"

I picked up Molly in October 2003 from the Save-a-Pet shelter in Grayslake. They think she was about 7 months old. I thought maybe Guinness needed a pal. Hmph. To this day they oscillate between mad crazy wrestling to Iamgoingtolickyoutodeathbeeyotch. They mostly tolerate each other and spend their days in equal but separate worship of me.

If you told me 10 yrs ago I would have two cats and love them to death I would have laughed in your face. I was always more of a dog person but because of the apartments I lived in and my schedule, dogs were not an option. In my 4+ years of cat ownership, I have collected many observations and stories on cats, a few of which I share with you now.

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It is damn near impossible for a cat to look dignified wearing a white plastic bag for a skirt. (For those of you about to bring the ASPCA on my ass, Guinness likes to burrow in plastic bags and then walk through the handle, where he gets stuck with a white plastic skirt.)

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Don't let your cats near rubber bands. Seriously. No, seriously. Guinness loves chewing rubber bands and dumb me left one out one time - a nice thick juicy one. I'm sitting in the living room and smell - GAAAAAAAAH!!! What IS that SMELL?????? Then it goes away. Comes back. I check the littermaid - nope, clean. Smell comes back again. I eventually connect that the smell is coinciding with the peregrinations of Guinness in and out of the living room. I take a close look at him - whatWHATWHAT????

A thick juicy rubber band is hanging out my cat's ASS. I scream and run in circles till I bump into a roll of paper towels. I grab about six and make myself a Bounty baseball mitt, with which I grab rubber band and yank out. Guinness yelped. Now I'm envisioning internal mayhem caused by the rubber band so call my vet. I hear loud laughter in the background, then vet comes to the phone "SO kitty ate a rubber band huh?" Guinness turned out to be fine, but you better believe I have never left out a rubber band after that.

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This morning my little girl cat was wailing downstairs. I called to her and she eventually trotted on up and hopped on the bed, where she proceeded to lick my hand and noodge me wanting me to scratch her head. Then I farted on her. Then I felt a cold wet little nose in my butt crack and then a tiny claw in my butt. And here I thought she was dumb. She knew exactly where that nastiness was coming from.

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Cats will not bring you cold medicine or Tylenol. No matter how much you cajole, threaten, beg, or cry.

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You can have a vast expense of comfortable (ok maybe not luxurious, but still comfortable) carpet, and one tiny cash register receipt on the carpet, and the cat will invariably cozy up on the receipt.

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Unless you are lying down reading a book, in which case, the cat will ignore the expanse of carpet or sofa or bed around you, and come lie down directly on your book. It's their way of letting you know you are their bitch.

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Cats know the sound of a can's seal being broken. If you are opening a can and it is not full of Fancy Feast Seafood Feast, you better have a damn good excuse to give to the yowling at your feet.

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Cats love it when you put a sticker off something (like a CD seal or a sticker off a banana) and stick it on their backs right above their tails. Well, they don't actually LOVE it, they kind of hate it but I love seeing the paroxysms they go through to get the demon sticker off them.

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A purring cat is a remarkable antidote to a sucky day.

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"Kitty flapjack" is played using a bed, a cat, and a sheet or a comforter that the cat is lying on. Yank the sheet or comforter straight out from under the cat and let the good times roll.

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For those of you rotten bastards who thought I was going to propose "kitty flapjack" as an actual food item, FOR SHAME.

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The highest you think your young cat can jump is half the actual distance they can jump. So when you don't look on top of the cabinets or the fridge for them, that is just your own stupidity.

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John HAS said "oochie goo" to their cat Penny, but he won't admit it.

Well my computer is done backing up, so it's back to the grind for me
Moochie smoochie,
D