In an unprecedented blogging moment (for myself anyway) I am answering a comment to my blog with a new blog entry. Carl the Great, (my onetime PS2 DOA2 nemesis) has taken the time to answer the questions I had cast into the void, so I feel it is only fair to continue the dialogue.
cillic the fantabulous is here to answer ALL of your questions.
Q. Who at the Febreze company is getting fired for Scentstories?
A. The one that smells like feet.
D's Answer. Shouldn't the one that smells like feet be fired anyway on general principle? You're hardly good PR for the company when you smell like feet. No, I'm pretty sure some douche that smells like Love's Baby Soft has gotten discharged over this one. (and no, not an ACTUAL douche that smells of Love's Baby Soft. Excuse me while I go do the 3-d technicolor yawn and welcome back my breakfast)
Q. Name the movie where Will Smith says, "Oh HEEELLLLL no!"
A. Will Smith does movies?
D's Answer. I so cannot wait till you and Heather come back up here so you can be the ones that John and LK drag to I, Robot 2: Revenge of the JVC Stereo
Q. Who let Don Johnson and Philip Michael Thomas into the recording studio? Actually, who let them into the public eye, period?
A. The same people who brought you Cop Rock!
D's Answer. I was so looking forward to Cop Rock, having loved Schoolhouse Rock so much. Dirty dirty lying dirtbags.
Q. Why did Care Bears come back? Who were the douches that liked these the first time around? Whatever happened to plain brown teddy bears?
A. The Real Question is, where is Teddy Ruxpin when you need him?
D's Answer. Teddy Ruxpin is scary like spiders and clowns and the characters' eyes in The Polar Express. But yes, Teddy Ruxpin could pummel Care Bears seven ways to Sunday.
Q. The DiSaronno commercial where the chick sucks on the ice cube and makes the barkeep spooge his panties? Do guys think she's hot?
A. Speaking as a guy and an ex-barkeep of sorts, DiSaronno sucks. Any woman who gets off on the stuff is obviously a mono-sylabic alient beast-hound from Neptune in disguise looking for prey. Not a bad disguise, eh?
D's Answer. Thank you, Carl. However, I'm pretty sure you're one of the men who, besides being already taken and therefore useless to us single women, is in the minority about wanting women who can actually talk. I have driven through Tennessee, I know backtalking womens is frowned upon.
Q. In Sixteen Candles, when Samantha and Jake finally get to smooch, leaning over the cake with a bazillion candles on it, didn't that burn the shit out of their chins? And how many teen couples tried that after that movie and burned the shit out of their chins?
A. If you EVER dis Sixteen Candles again I'll use my John Cryer voodoo doll to put the smack down on your near-cheddar-headed ass!
D's Answer. Whoa Nellie. No one dissed Sixteen Candles. Sixteen Candles is the movie that taught me that if I have to be the lone Asian in school, funny is the way to go. Perhaps not YankeeMyWankee funny, but the take-home lesson is that everyone loves a funny Asian. Something about our teeny eyes makes jokes that much better.
Q. Did Van Halen seriously think Gary Cherone was going to work out for them? Come on. I'll take a stoned and incoherent David Lee Roth every day over the pansy who sang More than Words.
A. Hey, David Lee Roth is now an EMT. Pretty sad that the only time he can make out with a woman is because she's unconscious from Smoke Inhalation (kinda like Larry Hagman's character in Mother, Juggs and Speed. What? You've never seen Mother, Juggs and Speed? Go get it. NOW! Bill Cosby, Raquelle Welch, Harvey Kietel, and Dick motherfucking Butkis! Pure '70s gold!
D's Answer. *writing furiously, adding Mother, Juggs, and Speed to Christmas list.* Is it as good as Foxxy Brown?
Q. How horrible was it that Viktor Yushchenko got poisoned?
A. Not nearly as horrible as Bush getting re-elected.
D's Answer. I'm actually looking forward to this administration *setting tivo to C-SPAN 24/7, waiting for the moment Donald Rumsfeld's face pops off on camera, revealing him to be the ugliest FemBot ever manufactured*
BTW - Donna! I did it all for you! [Jumps off of cubicle railing...]
D's Answer. Thank you Carl, thank you. But I ask that you save yourself for now, until the next time you come up north and I put the DOA2 muffocation hurt on your weeping schoolgirl arse.
Q. Stirrup pants. Why did we do that to ourselves?Girls in low-rider pants with plumbers' butt crack. Why are they doing that to us?
A. I still miss my parachute pants. And regarding the low-riders... why the hell don't chicks with hips wear those. That would be nice. I only see scrawny little bitches with the hips of 13-year-old boys wearing those things. That's my only complaint...cillic
D's Answer. Because society has taught us that chicks with hips are fatties that must hide from the light of day, lest we throw everyone off with the gravitational pull we each exert as walking behemoths circling the globe. (kind of like Saturn's moons but with boobies)
In conclusion, thank you Carl for inspiring this blog entry. Perhaps one day we (that includes John and LK) as the Blog Super Monster Heroes. (I call dibs on Mothra now!)
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4 comments:
HEY - in defense of our choice of movie that evening... we didn't expect I Robot to be cinematic genius. Just something to do...
By the way, I personally think Teddy Ruxpin was the spawn of satan. There was just something cold and calculating in his eyes - he was the "non-threatening" version of Chucky...
I get to be Robert Smith as portrayed in South Park while fighting Mecha Babs.
How can you say that about Teddy Ruxpin? Teddy R. must have been the ispiration behind the main character in A.I.--Teddy. Teddy, in my opinion, is why we understuffed, overworked chimps were put on this planet. I want one--NOW!
Here ya go:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=36544&item=5543440843&rd=1
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