Kill Shill - Drowning in Celebrity Sellout

If it's a day ending in a "y", some celebrity somewhere is lending their moderately to largely famous face to promote a product.

Sometimes, this almost makes poetic sense, as in the case of the Burger King Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch sandwich, brought to you in down-home cheerful tones by Hootie, of the frat rock band Hootie and the Blowfish. The fact that Hootie is wearing a Roy Rogers outfit typically only seen on men so white you can see through them is icing on the cake. Or is the icing on the cake the appearance of Brooke Burke, fresh from her duties on E! and modeling tiny swimsuits, with a Southern accent to boot? Evidently she is now "Wild On" Burger King.

Sometimes, it's completely annoying with a depressing undertone, like David Spade's series of Capital One commercials - "Cabo? Cab-NO, maybe!" Clearly, no one misses Chris Farley more than David Spade's career.

Sometimes, it's funny in a laughing-at-the-misfortunes-of-others way, like the commercials we don't even have to see of Ben Affleck making Japanese hearts swoon for Revlon. But hey, they have panties in vending machines over there so worship of Ben Affleck isn't much of a shocker, right? Wrong. Panties are funny, Ben Affleck is just sad.

And sometimes, it's downright ooky and scary, as in the case of Robert de Niro waxing poetic on the subject of American Express. Mr. de Niro, seriously. I don't care who you owe a favor to, or what gigs you aren't getting now, please let me remember you as an actor with mad skills, a membership that actually DOES have its privileges.

Catherine Zeta-Jones, Joan Cusack, SNOOP DOGG, Uma Thurman, Nicole Kidman, cell phones, sidekicks, soda pop, smelly perfume, overpriced purses, you name it, they're shillling for it. That annoying Sarah Jessica Parker Gap commercial is constantly stuck in my head. And thanks also to the Gap for ruining Earth, Wind and Fire by having that twerp from NSync sing the last bit of "Shining Star" on yes, another annoying Sarah Jessica Parker commercial.

I'm not completely against celebrity endorsement but it seems like there's no rest from it these days, and you know what? Seeing Tiger Woods run from the paparazzi is not going to make me buy a Buick any more than bouncy perky feminine hygiene commercials will make me buy panty liners designed for thongs. And thongs to go with those panty liners designed for thongs. All it does is make me more tired of the celebrities than I already am. And squicked out about panty liners and thongs.

In a tribute to the good old days of advertising when you'd buy a product that two unknown old men are shilling - "We thank you for your support."

Snark Attack

Yes I know it's been weeks since I last blogged, I was uber busy for weeks, and last week I just didn't feel like writing. Also, LK, demands for me to write make me write even less. This does not bode well for a writing career for me I guess. Clearly, fan mail will not be my motivation.

So what's been up with me and my brain?

I saw my little quasi-nephew Alex yesterday. In my opinion, he plateaued at perfect around Thanksgiving and of course can't get better than that. I dearly love the little guy...he can crawl now. Not good on-hands-and-knees crawling, more like watch-for-Charlies-in-the-trees crawling. He also tried to eat my feet (ew) and in a monumental testament of my love for him, I picked his nose when I couldn't get the gimongous booger out of it with a kleenex. Nothing says loving like sticking your finger in someone else's nose. Oh and a piece of happy news, his p's just got engaged yesterday. Kelly was so shocked she could only laugh. I am uber happy for all.

If you are talking to someone whose relative has been extremely sick, like on the verge of death sick, and you are not a doctor, do you consider it your place to dispense medical advice to this person? And THEN, do you consider it your duty as a so-called human being to ask the person how much more they should really try to save the relative's life, because of course it's any of your business? Me neither. But a certain Cornelia Unt I know seems to consider both things their duty in life. You can call Cornelia a dirty whore now - I do every day.

This whole Terri Schiavo thing really makes you think hard about making a living will. I personally would never want to be in her condition, but no one will ever know that unless I make one. And since she didn't have one, no one will ever know for sure what she wanted, least of all the melee of buttinskis who are making it their job to throw in their opinions and pass judgement when, clearly, they are not any of the parties involved. I'm not just talking about Congress, people. If you're not in this situation or have been in this situation yourself, just butt the hell out.

Yesterday, I was driving past the house that posted the Bush/Cheney 2004 billboard in their front lawn last autumn, and I thought about the fact that 1 in 4 voters in Illinois picked Alan Keyes in the Senate race. And I wondered how many more might have voted for him if he were white. Chew on that and get back to me.

Illinois has gotten to the Sweet Sixteen in the NCAA tournament, so I have allowed a faint spark of hope to light within my soul about this team. Still, I'm afraid to watch any games for fear I jinx them.

Who decided Bermuda shorts should come back into style? And who at Old Navy thought Bermuda shorts set to the soundtrack of "Fame" was a good idea? Whoever you are, don't identify yourself if you ever meet me. I will not be responsible for my actions then.

Martha Stewart missed lemons while she was in the big house. Only lemons. That woman certainly doesn't know how to combat the reports that she is dead inside.

My cat Molly just came running up to me as I was singing "The Rainbow Connection" and let out an indignant MEOW of protest when I finished. Evidently she is not fond of that song. But she chases her own tail and licks her own butt so what does she know. (Editor's Note: I wasn't just randomly singing "The Rainbow Connection", I Heart the 70's happened to be on VH1. But sometimes I do just randomly sing that song...I was asked to sing two lines from it solo in front of my fifth grade music class so I think sometimes I have horror flashbacks. Also, I like Kermit.)

TV commercials have ruined the Kill Bill soundtrack for me.

Is it wrong that I want to grow my hair out really long so I can walk with it hanging in my face and creep out people who were scared by The Ring? Well too bad, I'm doing it anyway.

That's all for now

Cheers,

D