Kill Shill - Drowning in Celebrity Sellout

If it's a day ending in a "y", some celebrity somewhere is lending their moderately to largely famous face to promote a product.

Sometimes, this almost makes poetic sense, as in the case of the Burger King Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch sandwich, brought to you in down-home cheerful tones by Hootie, of the frat rock band Hootie and the Blowfish. The fact that Hootie is wearing a Roy Rogers outfit typically only seen on men so white you can see through them is icing on the cake. Or is the icing on the cake the appearance of Brooke Burke, fresh from her duties on E! and modeling tiny swimsuits, with a Southern accent to boot? Evidently she is now "Wild On" Burger King.

Sometimes, it's completely annoying with a depressing undertone, like David Spade's series of Capital One commercials - "Cabo? Cab-NO, maybe!" Clearly, no one misses Chris Farley more than David Spade's career.

Sometimes, it's funny in a laughing-at-the-misfortunes-of-others way, like the commercials we don't even have to see of Ben Affleck making Japanese hearts swoon for Revlon. But hey, they have panties in vending machines over there so worship of Ben Affleck isn't much of a shocker, right? Wrong. Panties are funny, Ben Affleck is just sad.

And sometimes, it's downright ooky and scary, as in the case of Robert de Niro waxing poetic on the subject of American Express. Mr. de Niro, seriously. I don't care who you owe a favor to, or what gigs you aren't getting now, please let me remember you as an actor with mad skills, a membership that actually DOES have its privileges.

Catherine Zeta-Jones, Joan Cusack, SNOOP DOGG, Uma Thurman, Nicole Kidman, cell phones, sidekicks, soda pop, smelly perfume, overpriced purses, you name it, they're shillling for it. That annoying Sarah Jessica Parker Gap commercial is constantly stuck in my head. And thanks also to the Gap for ruining Earth, Wind and Fire by having that twerp from NSync sing the last bit of "Shining Star" on yes, another annoying Sarah Jessica Parker commercial.

I'm not completely against celebrity endorsement but it seems like there's no rest from it these days, and you know what? Seeing Tiger Woods run from the paparazzi is not going to make me buy a Buick any more than bouncy perky feminine hygiene commercials will make me buy panty liners designed for thongs. And thongs to go with those panty liners designed for thongs. All it does is make me more tired of the celebrities than I already am. And squicked out about panty liners and thongs.

In a tribute to the good old days of advertising when you'd buy a product that two unknown old men are shilling - "We thank you for your support."