On Cats: Observations and Musings

I have had Guinness for over 4 years now, Molly for almost 2. These are the first pets I ever had (when your mother insists on keeping her house looking like no one has ever lived there, pets are never part of the equation)

In the beginning, I did not know what the hell I was doing with Guinness. I was going to go with Johnny and LK to look for a kitten to adopt. I went to Petsmart to pick up the necessary supplies that I'd need for when a kitty came home with me. That's when I saw the ARF (Animal Rescue Foundation) kitties that were for adoption there. I went in the cage room and nearly every cat got up and presented their butts to me and lay back down. I thought - "man, I KNEW cats were assholes!!!" I got to the end of the row, and this cat came to the front of the cage. Hmm. He let me pet his paw. HMM.

I left the room, thinking, well I need to take some time off to get a kitty used to me and I can't do that now. I looked back. Maybe I will just spend another minute with him. This happened two more times. The last time, I was stroking his paw, and he lay down in the cage and lay his head on top of my finger. DOH!!! I couldn't let him stay there. I put a hold on him and came back to get him the next day.

Well, the first day he was with me I spent lots of time yelling at him to get off things and squirting him with a water gun when he hopped on countertops. I seriously did not think this was going to work out at ALL. I sat on the couch watching him explore, when he jumped on the couch, put his paws on my shoulder and started purring. HMM??? No one told me that cats purring would be so cute. All right my good man, you may stay another day.

I bugged John and LK with a LOT of cat questions since I did not know dick when it came to taking care of them. It ranged from "He eats food, now what do I do?" all the way to "Can you believe the frigging beast ate a RUBBER BAND??? And it was hanging out his ASS???"

I picked up Molly in October 2003 from the Save-a-Pet shelter in Grayslake. They think she was about 7 months old. I thought maybe Guinness needed a pal. Hmph. To this day they oscillate between mad crazy wrestling to Iamgoingtolickyoutodeathbeeyotch. They mostly tolerate each other and spend their days in equal but separate worship of me.

If you told me 10 yrs ago I would have two cats and love them to death I would have laughed in your face. I was always more of a dog person but because of the apartments I lived in and my schedule, dogs were not an option. In my 4+ years of cat ownership, I have collected many observations and stories on cats, a few of which I share with you now.

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It is damn near impossible for a cat to look dignified wearing a white plastic bag for a skirt. (For those of you about to bring the ASPCA on my ass, Guinness likes to burrow in plastic bags and then walk through the handle, where he gets stuck with a white plastic skirt.)

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Don't let your cats near rubber bands. Seriously. No, seriously. Guinness loves chewing rubber bands and dumb me left one out one time - a nice thick juicy one. I'm sitting in the living room and smell - GAAAAAAAAH!!! What IS that SMELL?????? Then it goes away. Comes back. I check the littermaid - nope, clean. Smell comes back again. I eventually connect that the smell is coinciding with the peregrinations of Guinness in and out of the living room. I take a close look at him - whatWHATWHAT????

A thick juicy rubber band is hanging out my cat's ASS. I scream and run in circles till I bump into a roll of paper towels. I grab about six and make myself a Bounty baseball mitt, with which I grab rubber band and yank out. Guinness yelped. Now I'm envisioning internal mayhem caused by the rubber band so call my vet. I hear loud laughter in the background, then vet comes to the phone "SO kitty ate a rubber band huh?" Guinness turned out to be fine, but you better believe I have never left out a rubber band after that.

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This morning my little girl cat was wailing downstairs. I called to her and she eventually trotted on up and hopped on the bed, where she proceeded to lick my hand and noodge me wanting me to scratch her head. Then I farted on her. Then I felt a cold wet little nose in my butt crack and then a tiny claw in my butt. And here I thought she was dumb. She knew exactly where that nastiness was coming from.

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Cats will not bring you cold medicine or Tylenol. No matter how much you cajole, threaten, beg, or cry.

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You can have a vast expense of comfortable (ok maybe not luxurious, but still comfortable) carpet, and one tiny cash register receipt on the carpet, and the cat will invariably cozy up on the receipt.

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Unless you are lying down reading a book, in which case, the cat will ignore the expanse of carpet or sofa or bed around you, and come lie down directly on your book. It's their way of letting you know you are their bitch.

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Cats know the sound of a can's seal being broken. If you are opening a can and it is not full of Fancy Feast Seafood Feast, you better have a damn good excuse to give to the yowling at your feet.

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Cats love it when you put a sticker off something (like a CD seal or a sticker off a banana) and stick it on their backs right above their tails. Well, they don't actually LOVE it, they kind of hate it but I love seeing the paroxysms they go through to get the demon sticker off them.

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A purring cat is a remarkable antidote to a sucky day.

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"Kitty flapjack" is played using a bed, a cat, and a sheet or a comforter that the cat is lying on. Yank the sheet or comforter straight out from under the cat and let the good times roll.

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For those of you rotten bastards who thought I was going to propose "kitty flapjack" as an actual food item, FOR SHAME.

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The highest you think your young cat can jump is half the actual distance they can jump. So when you don't look on top of the cabinets or the fridge for them, that is just your own stupidity.

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John HAS said "oochie goo" to their cat Penny, but he won't admit it.

Well my computer is done backing up, so it's back to the grind for me
Moochie smoochie,
D