Cracked Heart

Why is the right thing to do almost never an easy thing to do?

I know I never do this, but I could use some hugs from my 7 readers.

Douchebags du Jour

The world is full of douchebags. These are the first two that came to my attention today.

Premium catch of a man hates fatties and poor people.

Please let me elect a stupid cruel asshat to run the country. Again.

ETA: On a happier note, so NOT a douchebag:

Rahm Emanuel calls shenanigans on Darth Cheney

(Emanuel's not the douchebag. Darth Cheney TOTALLY is a douchebag.)

Road Trip

This weekend I took a road trip with a friend to his hometown of Traverse City, Michigan, which is in the northwestern part of the state off Lake Michigan. The only part of Michigan I'd seen before this trip was eastern Michigan near Ann Arbor, so this was new to me. It was about a 6 hr drive from my house - not too horrible but that's easier to say when I didn't have to do the driving.

There are some really gorgeous views of the lake and hills in that area (yes, living in Illinois I am easily impressed by real hills) and I got to go down to the beach and stick my feet in the water for a bit. We also got to check out the winery at Black Star Farms in Suttons Bay - the wines seemed a bit strong to all of us but the Raclette cheese was quite tasty. All in all a really nice weekend, replete with embarrassing childhood stories about my friend and general abuse of said friend.

In other news, I start my bellydancing class 2 weeks from Thursday. I would bring a webcam so you all could see the glory of the seismic event that will be my ass shaking, except I know at least 3 of you bastards would put that crap up on youtube within seconds.

Oil Spill, or What Americans Will Incomprehensibly Do to Avoid Exercising

A friend sent me this hilarious link regarding the new FDA-approved diet pill, alli, which apparently is a half dose of Xenical. Xenical would be the prescription weight loss pill whose greatest gift to the world was billed as "oily anal leakage". Anyway, read the link, it is priceless. I knew I missed the boat in college when I didn't major in "Bilking Silly Americans Out of a Freaking Fortune Using the Weight Loss Industry."

Atheist Goats, Polytheistic Elephants, and the Question of Cross-Species Breeding

My peregrinations around the internet led me to this site which, if they're serious, and I expect they are, I don't think that we'd get along well, seeing as how they'd want to shove Jesus down my throat, and I personally would rather wait till the third date, at least. Editor's Note: Thankfully it seems to be a spoof!

However, they have some of the best t-shirts for sale that I've ever seen, including my new personal favorite:



Joining Mr. Gruff in the confused unwashed masses of the heathens is Habu, the polytheistic elephant who could save himself (herself?) a lot of headaches if s/he would just ask about the big JC.

I also noticed a strangely isolated bit of openmindedness among the starring characters on the website:

"Lambuel is a lamb who is devoted to God and knows that Jesus loves him a whole bunch! He likes going to Church, witnessing on the street corner to passersby, and having adventures in Faith with all his friends!"

and

"Ruby is a lioness who goes to the same Christian elementary school as Lambuel. She thinks Lambuel is cute and wants to marry him one day! She prays she will grow up to be a virtuous, God-fearing woman and earn Lambuel's Luv!"

Here's Lambuel. And here's Ruby

Now I may be as lax a Christian as they come, but even I know cross-species breeding is frowned upon. Also, it's spelled "love" not "luv". It's right there in the Bible.

---

An afterword/commentary between John and myself:
Donna: did you know the Christians condoned cross-species breeding?
John: i just can't believe you missed the Chuck Norris banner on the home page
Donna: that site is chockfull of wonders and treasures - I couldn't capture it all
John: Christianity should be in the home, and the dojo
Donna: Jesus is the only one who ever made Chuck Norris back down
John: a three way battle-royale between Jesus, Chuck Norris and the Hoff? Who would win?
Donna: today?
John: this very minute
Donna: today the Hoff would lose almost instantly b/c of all the drunken - well maybe he could do drunken boxing?
John: even sobriety can't beat the Hoff
Donna: but Chuck Norris and Jesus can
John: That was how the last Big Bang occurred
John: they all threw a punch at the same time
Donna: don't start that - the Hoff is already still all wound up about not getting credit for the Berlin Wall coming down
John: every German loves the Hoff, and that's what united them above all.
Donna: that and his piano key scarf

Izzard/Stewart Sandwiches and the Decline of Society

Last week Eddie Izzard was a guest on the Daily Show. Eddie Izzard and Jon Stewart. If I were to be convinced to do a threesome, this would be one of the first combos to try out on me.

In other news, Paris Hilton had to go back to the pokey. B. o. o. h. o. o. Seriously, if you wanted to look at this in a purely financial, profit-maximizing light, (which I wouldn't but I'm sure the Hiltons would) she should have shut her yap, served her time, and made a giant contribution to MADD or some similar organization and at least pretend that she comprehends the potential consequences of a DUI. Instead, we have a 25+ yr old screaming for her mommy in the courtroom. And if you're like me and don't want to contribute to the Hiltons' vacuousness ever again, here's the hotels in the Hilton Hotel Group. I hate that I spent that much time talking about Paris Hilton, but I really think she is a sad icon of what's wrong with the world today. Talent and laws just don't matter as long as you're rich, thin, and your legs spread like room temperature butter.

An Unfortunate, Unintentional Event, or How I Infect People with Alan Keyes

So Laura and I were talking today about a relatively unimportant subject, when I accidentally infected her with Alan Keyes.

Creme de la Commie: too bad your cuz isn't still living with you, you could take her with and leave her as a gift
Donna: that would just be a gift to me, no one else
Creme de la Commie: a gift, nonetheless
Donna: nah, a gift like that should be reserved for someone like Alan Keyes
Creme de la Commie: true
Donna: i wonder what he's up to now
Donna: no
Donna: no i guess i really don't
Creme de la Commie: I forgot he existed until you brought him up
Donna: shit
Donna: sorry
Creme de la Commie: it's ok
Creme de la Commie: it's probably best to keep one eye half on people like him

So unfortunately, this led me on a Google search to see what Alan Keyes really is up to, or if he's just holed up in a bunker somewhere waiting for Jesus to tell him who JC's voting for in 2008.

Alan Keyes is still a nutjob.

And really that's all I want to say about that. Except for

Donna: I should blog about how I infect people with Alan Keyes
Creme de la Commie: You do... totally
Creme de la Commie: whenever I see you, I think "What's Alan Keyes up to"

And now my other 7 readers will too. I'm sorry. I truly am.

Stream of Consciousness

Seriously, the TB idiot's story still makes no sense to me. Now he's not even really married? Something stinks in the state of Denmark, but then again, it usually does around personal-injury lawyers.

Yesterday I got to see a bunch of people I went to high school with. It's so funny how we all look and act the same after 18 years. Ugh. Did I say 18 years? Anyway it was really good to see everyone.

I'm signed up for the bellydancing class at CLC. I would have liked to do the beginner yoga class as well but it conflicts timewise with the bellydancing and I doubt I'm ready for an intermediate yoga class. It starts July 12. In the meantime I got a bellydance instruction DVD to try and familiarize myself with some moves, and I am here to tell you folks, that shit is hard. I was fine doing circles with my hips, but then the freak bellydancing lady wanted me to do circles with my hips followed by circles with my pelvis followed by circles with my chest. My body just doesn't do things like that. Not yet anyway.

A Democratic Presidential candidate debate is on CNN right now and Wolf Blitzer seems to be moderating. This has to be giving him such a hard-on after so many fruitless soul-sucking months of covering JonBenet Ramsey leads and Anna Nicole Smith. Then again, (although I certainly agree with Democrats more than I'll ever agree with Republicans) it's quite possible that a sizable group of Democrats has the collective power to deflate any erection.

May is Mullet Month?

Hockey hair returns for overtime

ADRIANA BARTON

VANCOUVER -- It may be the most reviled hairstyle on earth, but a cadre of shaggy-haired Vancouverites is determined to help the mullet make a comeback.Friends Ben Besler and Caleb Weitzel, both 29, have declared May "mullet month" in Vancouver. They've teamed up with 26-year-old hairstylist Vanessa Greenidge of Knotty Boy salon in East Vancouver. She is offering a $25 special on mullet haircuts all month and challenging other hairstylists to do the same.

I'm not sure which is worse, the idea of a Mullet Month (complete with Mullet festivities? A Mullet Parade? Mullet-shearing contests? Chocolate mullet sculptures?) or the highway robbery of charging $25 for a mullet. It's not even a full haircut. You could give yourself a mullet for free. I'm all for capitalism and free enterprise but that's just taking advantage of people silly enough to want a mullet. Then again, this is a world where people will pay cash money to see Paris Hilton's blacklighted coochie so maybe Mullet Price Gouging isn't such a big deal.

Off to go rock back and forth in the corner some more...

Personal DNA Test

I got this link from Laura and decided to try it out. Here are my results



About you

You are an Inventor

• Your imagination, self-reliance, openness to new things, and appreciation for utility combine to make you an INVENTOR.
• You have the confidence to make your visions into reality, and you are willing to consider many alternatives to get that done.
• The full spectrum of possibilities in the world intrigues you—you're not limited by pre-conceived notions of how things should be.
• Problem-solving is a specialty of yours, owing to your persistence, curiosity, and understanding of how things work.
• Your vision allows you to identify what's missing from a given situation, and your creativity allows you to fill in the gaps.
• Your awareness of how things function gives you the ability to come up with new uses for common objects.
• It is more interesting for you to pursue excitement than it is to get caught up in a routine.
• Although understanding details is not difficult for you, you specialize in seeing the bigger picture and don't get caught up in specifics.
• You tend to more proactive than reactive—you don't just wait for things to come to you.
• You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style.

If you want to be different:

• Try applying your creativity to more artistic arenas, and letting your imagination take less practical forms.

How you relate to others

You are Considerate

• You trust others, care about them, and are slow to judge them, making you CONSIDERATE.
• You value your close relationships very much, and are more likely to spend time in small, tightly-knit groups of friends than in large crowds.
• You enjoy exploring the world through observation, quietly watching others.
• Relating to others so well, and understanding their emotions, leads you to trust people in general, even though you're somewhat shy and reserved at times.
• Your belief that people are generally well-intentioned contributes to your sympathy regarding their problems.
• Although you may not vocalize it often, you have an awareness of how society affects individuals, and you understand complex causes of people's behavior.
• You like to look at all sides of a situation before making a judgment, particularly when that situation involves important things in other people's lives.
• Your close friends know you as a good listener.
• You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style.

If you want to be different:

• Because other people would benefit immensely from your understanding and insight, you should try to be more outgoing in social situations, even when they make you uncomfortable. Others will want to hear what you have to say!

Michael Vick isn't the only f*ckwit in the NFL

Skins players ridicule dog fighting as crime

My favorite parts of this article are:

In an interview with WAVY-TV, Portis said that if the Atlanta Falcons quarterback is charged and convicted of being involved in a dog fighting operation, then authorities would be "putting him behind bars for no reason."

"I don't know if he was fighting dogs or not," Portis said. "But it's his property; it's his dogs. If that's what he wants to do, do it."

Portis said dog fighting is a "prevalent" part of life.

followed by:

Hours after making light of the possible crime in the television interview, Portis issued a statement late Monday through the Redskins.

"In the recent interview I gave concerning dog fighting, I want to make it clear I do not take part in dog fighting or condone dog fighting in any manner," the statement said.

In other words:

"The team management and my agent told me I'm a fuckwit and I best start backpedaling."

I Can Name That Trainwreck in Two Notes!

My friend Kim just sent me this email:

Does anyone else foresee disaster with this just-announced CBS fall show...


"What will undoubtedly prove to be one of the most polarizing shows on its schedule is "Kids Nation," a reality show that takes 40 children aged 8 to 15 and drops them in an abandoned mining town without any grown ups, where they need to form their own government. How do they do? Let's just say the clips featured lots of tears and lots of yelling."


Who doesn't like shows about a bunch of crying kids in an abandoned mine town? Hopefully they'll also solve Scooby Doo style mysteries too. Unless it turns into a Children of the Corn style bloodbath instead.


Uh.

Yeah.

I'll take women crying about a man they just met over this imminent clusterf*ck.

ETA: The psych major in me is somewhat curious to see how this plays out. Social dynamics both fascinate and (potentially) terrify me. Plus the base, dirty human in me just can't pass a good trainwreck.

Today's WTF Moment

Baby "Bubba" gets a gun permit

Uh.

Yeah.

I don't even know where to start.

A Better Weekend

Well, after the slight hiccup Saturday morning, I got my shit together and managed to have a pretty decent weekend. Friday night I had gone to a graduation party for a friend of a friend, which was pretty fun, not to mention Hamburger Mary's has some tasty mini-burgers.

Saturday afternoon I went to my best friend's sister's house, my best friend was up for the weekend and her brother and my quasinephew, Alex came up for the day too. I swear it was only yesterday we were wheeling him in his stroller to the park but now he's holding our hands and asking if we can run to the park, and commenting perfectly clearly, "It is a beautiful day today!" Aw. So cute. ETA: In addition, when I turned down a piece of Snickers cake, his aunt asked Alex if I was demented, and Alex said "No." I know that kid will always have my back.

Sunday I got to see my parents' new place they will be moving to near Rockford. They should be moving in a couple of weeks - evidently there was some water damage to the basement carpet which the builders are replacing now. The house is pretty nice, both of them seem really excited about it and Dad's got his vegetable garden all staked out in the back.

When we got back, we had the carrot cake that I made for Mother's Day (which Mom loves but Dad will undoubtedly beat her to eating the majority of) and then I washed my car - a round-trip to Springfield will earn you approximately 90,000 bug corpses on the hood of your car. Then I went out and bought running shoes and a little thing to strap my iPod to my arm. I got back home and suited up and jogged/walked around the neighborhood for about 20 min. Not great, but I expected to be pretty pathetic starting out - I'm going to try for 3 days a week to start out with. Hopefully I'm not pathetic for too long!

I also was perusing the CLC (College of Lake County) fun courses last night and there is a summer class in belly dancing which I am totally going to sign up for if the cost is reasonable. Shaking my hips that much may cause seismic disturbances, but I really could care less. There was also a beginner hatha yoga course that I might sign up for, again if the cost is doable.

In other news, my kitty Molly is desperately trying to eat graham crackers off my desk.

Letting a Memory Take the Wheel

This morning I saw a can of cocoa in my kitchen and I started to cry. My cats were very perplexed. I know it's totally irrational, but I think it's really unfair that a memory can accost me like that in my own home, my home that's supposed to be my haven and refuge. And I also know it's partly my fault for letting a memory take control like that. And I also know there's much worse things happening to better people throughout the world. I know all this, but right now I want to be selfish. It's a beautiful day and I'll be going out soon where I'll have plenty of time to think about something else and be unselfish. Right now I just want hugs from my kitties.

Seriously. WTF is wrong with people?

Boy, 10, guilty of beating homeless Army veteran

Swarms of mindless fuckwits don't want Paris Hilton to go to jail. B-O-O-H-O-O.

Just generally speaking, Fox News is always a sign of what's wrong with the times.

Toes and Dandelions

I took the day off Friday, got the 15k mile maintenance on my car in the morning (*sniff* my baby is all grown up and sliding down the hill of automotive deterioration!) and then took off for Springfield. My best friend lives down there, as far as I'm concerned there's no other reason to go down there. We ate lots of overly spicy Thai food, watched some pretty bad tv and a really bad movie (Turistas is worse than awful. I would have rather spent that time getting a barium enema.) and did some shopping and got pedicures on Saturday, went to church, and watched some more bad tv. A largely enjoyable (except for Turistas) mushy-brain weekend. And now my toes is pretty.

Dopey is mostly moved into his new place so was able to come visit me Sunday when I got back from Springfield. We hadn't seen each other for two weeks so got right down to playing Parcheesi for a while. No, "Parcheesi" is not a euphemism for something else.

Yes of course "Parcheesi" is a euphemism for something else. I don't even remember how to play Parcheesi.

Then this morning I had a dream that he took my bedroom doors off their hinges so he could move a really big tv into my room. I'm not sure what this is supposed to signify.

I really do not understand why this boy looks so happy to have had spiders in his ear.

The house next door to me is a rental (I think) and no one is living there now. The tenants over the years were never particularly lawn-conscious, but now the lawn over there is basically solid dandelions. At least it makes my lawn look better, although I will have to put down the turfbuilder/weedkiller sometime this week. Oh, for the days when indentured servants were legal.

Michael Vick is (allegedly) a f*cker

In addition to being (in my humble opinion) one of the most overrated NFL quarterbacks ever. Seriously do not click the link below if you like dogs and hate fuckers who mistreat dogs. Seriously. You've been warned. There is significant evidence that he is a complete fuckwit.

Michael Vick is a fuckwit Story #1

Michael Vick is a fuckwit Story #2

Time I Can't Get Back

I saw Disturbia yesterday with Laura and John. For the life of me I cannot figure out why this movie is topping the box office because it was really trite and pretty freaking boring. I nearly fell asleep during parts of it. Maybe it just means that I'm dead inside because the group of girls behind us screamed at every little thing that happened in the movie, like, when the bad guy walked into a room. It's clearly billed as a scary movie, you really couldn't figure out that he was going to be sneaking up on a few people? Anyway, thanks to the Shrieky McPussykins clan, I was never able to actually fall asleep. Oh, and as part of the "scary", one of my countrymen took a baseball bat to the head. There were no black people in the movie so evidently Asians are next on the food chain while the white people run around screaming. Surprisingly enough he didn't die, but I'll give you three guesses as to which ethnicity did bite it, and the first two don't count.

So, that was two hours of my life I can't get back. Not nearly as bad as Jeepers Creepers, but very few things are. I was drifting off to sleep last night trying to think of movies and other occupations that were a bigger waste of time than Disturbia. I can't remember if I've already blogged on this type of subject, but if I have, tough tukkus.

Chunks of My Life I Can't Ever Get Back

• Jeepers Creepers. This movie actually made me mad that I saw it for free on a movie network that I wasn't paying for while I lived in Chicago. You don't always pay for an experience in dollars. Sometimes you end up paying in bitter, bitter regret.
  
• The Grudge. By the time the inspector brought the gasoline can at the end, I nearly yelled out "FINALLY. BURN THAT MOTHER DOWN AND END THIS STUPID MOVIE." The only reason I didn't was because I was watching it on an airplane and I would probably have been taken down by US Marshals. I would hope that I would have been anyway.
  
• Ringu. It was touted as being sooooo much better than the American version. It wasn't. Having already seen the American version, it was a waste of time to watch the same movie with Japanese actors instead.
  
• The time I spent reading the book Hannibal.
• The time I spent watching the movie Hannibal. I clearly don't learn my lessons after one clubbing over the head. To my credit, I didn't watch the whole thing, but damn that 20-30 minutes sucked.
  
• The MCAT. Yes, back in the day I was studying pre-med for about 15 minutes before I changed my mind. My dad talked me into taking the MCAT anyway - "just try it" was his reasoning. As though an eight-hour exam was something you can just taste and decide if you like it, like caviar on toast points. (Which I also don't like by the way) Time actually stopped in the Biological Sciences portion of the exam and I was stuck in that room for about 15 days. When I finally got home I got so unbelievably drunk that I thought I was sober again, and subsequently got into a shoving match with some guy at a bar. Yeah, trainwreck day from beginning to pathetic, liver-in-active-rebellion end,
• Any time spent watching Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee on the Food Network, which happens to be what was on tv as I write up this post. I think her premise is something like teaching you how to kind of cook/kind of just tart up stuff you bought from the store. So, half-assed cooking. Which is ok really if the stuff turns out edible, but she just made bacon-wrapped hot dogs which she put in the oven, and when she took them out of the oven chirping about how deeeeeeeelicious they looked, the fact is that the bacon was still pale pink and mostly raw-looking. So, half-assed to no-assed cooking whatsoever.

This list could really go on forever, but it would be somewhat ironic for me to sit here writing about how I've wasted time as opposed to going and finding something valuable to do with my time today, especially since today's so freaking beautiful. Toodles all!

The Vagaries of Dreams and Bananas

In case my 7 readers haven't noticed, I have some pretty weirdass dreams. I listen to accounts of dreams from other people, and while they seem a bit kooky/funny, they're still mostly logical. My dreams are just fugged up sometimes.

Last night I dreamed that I went to Dopey's new apartment (he questions the code name "the boy") to help with unpacking. There were boxes everywhere and we started making out, like we have once or twice in the past. Then I notice this woman sleeping on his couch, who I at first thought was his ex, but it turns out she was his mom, and I was uber pissed that he didn't tell me she was there so huffed out the door. I vaguely recall his response was to run after me and tell me she wasn't Korean or something. Buh?

Next I dreamed that I was trying to kill a hugeass roach. Every time I clunked it, it got bigger and more cartoony-looking, till finally it was just staring at me with huge cartoon sad eyes and I didn't have the heart to kill it. This was all during a phone call with someone from Italy. I don't know anyone in Italy.

In the waking world, things aren't making much more sense, because I went to search for a banana bread recipe only to be accosted by this recipe for...CHEESY HAM AND BANANA CASSEROLE. If you threw up a little in your mouth reading that, it's ok because I did too. Sometimes Paula Deen's stuff doesn't look too bad, but other times it looks like she just lets things fall from her fridge into her mixing bowl.