Tuesday, December 28, 2004

The Lifestyle to Which I Need to Become Accustomed

Man oh man, vacation rocks. I haven't gone out of town, haven't done anything uber special, but lately I am MADLY IN LOVE with SLEEP. Sleeping in is better than anything.

Christmas was pretty lowkey except my stinking best friends (who are for all intents and purposes my siblings) went and broke the Christmas gift draw rules.

Let me go back a ways. My best friends' brother and his girlfriend had a baby in July. Granted, Alex was an oopsie baby, but Steve and Kelly are turning out to be great parents, and we all love the little guy more than anything. But of course they're not independently wealthy, and I figured a name draw for Christmas gifts would be a good idea as I didn't want them to worry about having to buy presents for us all, especially since Kelly has a huge family of her own. So I drew Deb's husband, and figured all was right with the world.

The day after Christmas comes around, and we all get together to celebrate. I have Eric's present, plus stocking stuffer presents for everyone else - and everyone else has a regular present for me. DOH! They all said I've done so much for the family and for the baby that they couldn't not get me presents. Well, that's sweet but I wish they'd let me in on it - I love giving presents more than I love getting them and I felt really awkward and kind of robbed. I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but Christmas would have been perfect for me if I could have gotten presents for everyone. On the super plus side - Eric LOVED his Cardinals jersey - especially since Deb's plans to get him a laptop were foiled and she ended up getting him....foot spray. No I'm not making that up. I have a great imagination but even I couldn't come up with that.

Today I ordered a new pair of coke bottle glasses with heavily nerdo frames - $406. Thank you, Flex Account. Thank you. The kindly Eastern European technician asked if I'd like the featherweight lenses. YES please. Anti-glare coating? YES please. Rolled and polished edges? Honey, yes to anything you can do to diminish the impression that I'm wearing two glass bathroom wall blocks on my face. Sigh. Someday the FDA will approve a laser for my horrendo eyes. Until then, thank God for contacts, or I would have to strap these magnifying glasses to my face 24/7.

Tomorrow I'm going on the search for a book to teach me how to knit and some knitting needles. I've had four bundles of burgundy and green yarn sitting in my closet for years now, I am going to learn me how to knit! Maybe I can make Mom something for her birthday in February. Ok maybe for Mother's Day. Or Memorial Day. People don't give enough Memorial Day presents.

I'd stick around and blog for longer, but this is requiring way too much concentration during my vaca. I wish I could make a New Year's resolution to become independently wealthy before the end of my vacation.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Insane for the Holidays

The holidays are a crazy time of year, but for me they are crazy in a mostly nice way - even nicer this year thanks to online Christmas shopping. Making time to get together with friends is one of the nicest parts of the season.

This weekend I saw my friends Brenda and Mark and Barbi for dim sum on Saturday. There's few things I've experienced better than dim sum - if I could alternate sushi and dim sum for the rest of my meals on this big marble I'd be happy forever. And I would need to be equipped with one of those special sirens for when I back up because I'd be fat as a house. Brenda and Mark gave me a bag of presents the size of my ass, which is HUGE. Turned out to be an appetizer grill (complete with Sterno! I smell madcap high jinks!) and this cool toy for my kitties which through the miracle of technology and 3 "AA" batteries, dangles and drags around a fuzzy mouse for their amusement. So far they are both completely fascinated with it. Barb had previously trounced us all right after Thanksgiving by giving us champagne glasses that she and her husband MADE and champagne to go with. I gave them bags full o Lush Fresh Handmade cosmetic goodies and hope they love them.

Sunday I saw my friends Cheryl and Scott, who have the cutest Great Dane (Kona) and who are rockstar cooks. They dished up salad, bruschetta, salmon wrapped in phyllo, asparagus, and warm potato salad. If we weren't already stuffed after that, Cheryl then brought out this divine lime mousse cheesecake. As I hate cheesecake (it feels like school paste on my tongue) I was a little hesitant but upon tasting this - oh my gentle Jesus. Light, creamy, rich - essentially love, sunlight, and the salvation of mankind in cheesecake form. Cheryl noted the next day that she had forgotten to send some home with us, to which I retorted:

"Uh, please, if that’d been me who made that cheesecake, after my first bite I’d have grabbed the plates back from all of you and shoved you out the door. You’d have found me in a few months, 100 pounds heavier and with a Gollum-like complexion, huddled in the corner petting some graham-cracker crumbs and calling them “my precious”." No joke, that's how good this thing was.

We also test-drove their home theater setup in the basement which Scott finished with his own two hands. Granted, we did it by watching The Matrix Revolutions, which, if I had never seen the first two installments of the Matrix franchise, I would have titled "A Very Special Episode of Transformers." Still, good effects, and Scott's home theater setup makes any movie better. (Well, in most cases - nothing would make Jeepers Creepers better other than jumping into a time machine and going back to that idyllic era where you had never wasted 2 hours of your life on this movie) Those dirty monkeys also gave us lovely gift baskets (I got champagne with mimosa mix and really cool champagne glasses - good thing too as I suddenly have a lot of champagne on my hands) I only had a tiny bag o Lush for them but am already shopping for their Martin Luther King day present.

Well, tomorrow I get to see John and LK, their friends Sean and Niki, and my favorite gay men in the whole world, Jasen and Michael. (Actually, they're two of my favorite people, period, gay men or no) So during this crazy holiday season, try to stop and make time for friends, because friends make the holidays (and life in general) much better.

Peace,
Donna

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Random Thoughts into the Void - Answered

In an unprecedented blogging moment (for myself anyway) I am answering a comment to my blog with a new blog entry. Carl the Great, (my onetime PS2 DOA2 nemesis) has taken the time to answer the questions I had cast into the void, so I feel it is only fair to continue the dialogue.

cillic the fantabulous is here to answer ALL of your questions.
Q. Who at the Febreze company is getting fired for Scentstories?
A. The one that smells like feet.
D's Answer. Shouldn't the one that smells like feet be fired anyway on general principle? You're hardly good PR for the company when you smell like feet. No, I'm pretty sure some douche that smells like Love's Baby Soft has gotten discharged over this one. (and no, not an ACTUAL douche that smells of Love's Baby Soft. Excuse me while I go do the 3-d technicolor yawn and welcome back my breakfast)

Q. Name the movie where Will Smith says, "Oh HEEELLLLL no!"
A. Will Smith does movies?
D's Answer. I so cannot wait till you and Heather come back up here so you can be the ones that John and LK drag to I, Robot 2: Revenge of the JVC Stereo

Q. Who let Don Johnson and Philip Michael Thomas into the recording studio? Actually, who let them into the public eye, period?
A. The same people who brought you Cop Rock!
D's Answer. I was so looking forward to Cop Rock, having loved Schoolhouse Rock so much. Dirty dirty lying dirtbags.

Q. Why did Care Bears come back? Who were the douches that liked these the first time around? Whatever happened to plain brown teddy bears?
A. The Real Question is, where is Teddy Ruxpin when you need him?
D's Answer. Teddy Ruxpin is scary like spiders and clowns and the characters' eyes in The Polar Express. But yes, Teddy Ruxpin could pummel Care Bears seven ways to Sunday.

Q. The DiSaronno commercial where the chick sucks on the ice cube and makes the barkeep spooge his panties? Do guys think she's hot?
A. Speaking as a guy and an ex-barkeep of sorts, DiSaronno sucks. Any woman who gets off on the stuff is obviously a mono-sylabic alient beast-hound from Neptune in disguise looking for prey. Not a bad disguise, eh?
D's Answer. Thank you, Carl. However, I'm pretty sure you're one of the men who, besides being already taken and therefore useless to us single women, is in the minority about wanting women who can actually talk. I have driven through Tennessee, I know backtalking womens is frowned upon.

Q. In Sixteen Candles, when Samantha and Jake finally get to smooch, leaning over the cake with a bazillion candles on it, didn't that burn the shit out of their chins? And how many teen couples tried that after that movie and burned the shit out of their chins?
A. If you EVER dis Sixteen Candles again I'll use my John Cryer voodoo doll to put the smack down on your near-cheddar-headed ass!
D's Answer. Whoa Nellie. No one dissed Sixteen Candles. Sixteen Candles is the movie that taught me that if I have to be the lone Asian in school, funny is the way to go. Perhaps not YankeeMyWankee funny, but the take-home lesson is that everyone loves a funny Asian. Something about our teeny eyes makes jokes that much better.

Q. Did Van Halen seriously think Gary Cherone was going to work out for them? Come on. I'll take a stoned and incoherent David Lee Roth every day over the pansy who sang More than Words.
A. Hey, David Lee Roth is now an EMT. Pretty sad that the only time he can make out with a woman is because she's unconscious from Smoke Inhalation (kinda like Larry Hagman's character in Mother, Juggs and Speed. What? You've never seen Mother, Juggs and Speed? Go get it. NOW! Bill Cosby, Raquelle Welch, Harvey Kietel, and Dick motherfucking Butkis! Pure '70s gold!
D's Answer. *writing furiously, adding Mother, Juggs, and Speed to Christmas list.* Is it as good as Foxxy Brown?

Q. How horrible was it that Viktor Yushchenko got poisoned?
A. Not nearly as horrible as Bush getting re-elected.
D's Answer. I'm actually looking forward to this administration *setting tivo to C-SPAN 24/7, waiting for the moment Donald Rumsfeld's face pops off on camera, revealing him to be the ugliest FemBot ever manufactured*

BTW - Donna! I did it all for you! [Jumps off of cubicle railing...]
D's Answer. Thank you Carl, thank you. But I ask that you save yourself for now, until the next time you come up north and I put the DOA2 muffocation hurt on your weeping schoolgirl arse.

Q. Stirrup pants. Why did we do that to ourselves?Girls in low-rider pants with plumbers' butt crack. Why are they doing that to us?
A. I still miss my parachute pants. And regarding the low-riders... why the hell don't chicks with hips wear those. That would be nice. I only see scrawny little bitches with the hips of 13-year-old boys wearing those things. That's my only complaint...cillic
D's Answer. Because society has taught us that chicks with hips are fatties that must hide from the light of day, lest we throw everyone off with the gravitational pull we each exert as walking behemoths circling the globe. (kind of like Saturn's moons but with boobies)

In conclusion, thank you Carl for inspiring this blog entry. Perhaps one day we (that includes John and LK) as the Blog Super Monster Heroes. (I call dibs on Mothra now!)

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Casting Random Thoughts into the Void

I frequently don't blog because quite often, I don't have enough to say to make a substantial blog entry. But I find myself having many "I wonder...", "WTF?...." and "You have got to be kidding me..." moments every day. So now I'm just going to throw a few of them out there:

Who at the Febreze company is getting fired for Scentstories? This is seriously the dumbest thing I've seen since Hidden Valley Ranch tried to cater to children with Nacho Cheese Ranch dressing. (My dad works there so I know someone got fired for that train wreck.) What's worse is I like Febreze, it's a great idea, so these guys should have known better. I have books and tv and friends to tell me stories, I don't need smells for that. Smells are for telling me very specific, succinct messages like:
"Toxic waste is nearby." or
"Dinner is ready" or
"John recently ate apple pancakes. Or food."

Name the movie where Will Smith says, "Oh HEEELLLLL no!"

Who let Don Johnson and Philip Michael Thomas into the recording studio? Actually, who let them into the public eye, period?

Why did Care Bears come back? Who were the douches that liked these the first time around? I've seen these in the store lately, and now there are Care Bear Cousins, which is basically the Care Bear franchise expanding to include other animal species that are in no way related to bears, like elephants and velociraptors or some such nonsense. Whatever happened to plain brown teddy bears?

The DiSaronno commercial where the chick sucks on the ice cube and makes the barkeep spooge his panties? Do guys think she's hot? She looks nearly plastic and her forehead's three foot tall. Or does that bartender just do the old EagleOne FoxTwo thing really easily?

In Sixteen Candles, when Samantha and Jake finally get to smooch, leaning over the cake with a bazillion candles on it, didn't that burn the shit out of their chins? And how many teen couples tried that after that movie and burned the shit out of their chins?

I'm Lemon-Fresh Smurf

Did Van Halen seriously think Gary Cherone was going to work out for them? Come on. I'll take a stoned and incoherent David Lee Roth every day over the pansy who sang More than Words.

How horrible was it that Viktor Yushchenko got poisoned? I think the Republicans in power in this country are cheating assholes, but at least no one poisoned John Kerry. All that cragginess on his face is just the product of good somber living. (or maybe too much windsurfing) Although I do think if Karl Rove could figure out a way to not get caught, he'd poison a LOT of people.

Duran Duran - please let me just remember you the way you were. Just because leg warmers came back doesn't mean you have to. (It also means that leg warmers did not need to come back either. Forenza, you stay right there with 1987 where you belong.)

There is nothing better than snuggly sleeping critters. (Unless the critters are spiders or clowns, that's just not cool.)

The fact that Eddie Murphy did Beverly Hills Cop and Daddy Day Care really proves his range. I cannot think of a single other good thing to say about that fact. He's like the Beatles in reverse.

Do cats think anything is funny? How can I love mine so much when they show no evidence of having a sense of humor? If I met a man who was adorably warm and fuzzy but had no sense of humor, would I be able to love him? Something tells me no. The kitties don't talk back when I sing the A-Team theme song to them, but I have a feeling the guy would. I need my freedom to sing the A-Team when necessary.

Even more than clowns, the nanny from The Omen will always scare the shit out of me. That woman's creepy with a capital oooog.

Stirrup pants. Why did we do that to ourselves?
Girls in low-rider pants with plumbers' butt crack. Why are they doing that to us?

Well that's it for now, tune back in soon for the Holiday Edition of Random Thoughts into the Void.

Cheers,
Donna