Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Casting Random Thoughts into the Void

I frequently don't blog because quite often, I don't have enough to say to make a substantial blog entry. But I find myself having many "I wonder...", "WTF?...." and "You have got to be kidding me..." moments every day. So now I'm just going to throw a few of them out there:

Who at the Febreze company is getting fired for Scentstories? This is seriously the dumbest thing I've seen since Hidden Valley Ranch tried to cater to children with Nacho Cheese Ranch dressing. (My dad works there so I know someone got fired for that train wreck.) What's worse is I like Febreze, it's a great idea, so these guys should have known better. I have books and tv and friends to tell me stories, I don't need smells for that. Smells are for telling me very specific, succinct messages like:
"Toxic waste is nearby." or
"Dinner is ready" or
"John recently ate apple pancakes. Or food."

Name the movie where Will Smith says, "Oh HEEELLLLL no!"

Who let Don Johnson and Philip Michael Thomas into the recording studio? Actually, who let them into the public eye, period?

Why did Care Bears come back? Who were the douches that liked these the first time around? I've seen these in the store lately, and now there are Care Bear Cousins, which is basically the Care Bear franchise expanding to include other animal species that are in no way related to bears, like elephants and velociraptors or some such nonsense. Whatever happened to plain brown teddy bears?

The DiSaronno commercial where the chick sucks on the ice cube and makes the barkeep spooge his panties? Do guys think she's hot? She looks nearly plastic and her forehead's three foot tall. Or does that bartender just do the old EagleOne FoxTwo thing really easily?

In Sixteen Candles, when Samantha and Jake finally get to smooch, leaning over the cake with a bazillion candles on it, didn't that burn the shit out of their chins? And how many teen couples tried that after that movie and burned the shit out of their chins?

I'm Lemon-Fresh Smurf

Did Van Halen seriously think Gary Cherone was going to work out for them? Come on. I'll take a stoned and incoherent David Lee Roth every day over the pansy who sang More than Words.

How horrible was it that Viktor Yushchenko got poisoned? I think the Republicans in power in this country are cheating assholes, but at least no one poisoned John Kerry. All that cragginess on his face is just the product of good somber living. (or maybe too much windsurfing) Although I do think if Karl Rove could figure out a way to not get caught, he'd poison a LOT of people.

Duran Duran - please let me just remember you the way you were. Just because leg warmers came back doesn't mean you have to. (It also means that leg warmers did not need to come back either. Forenza, you stay right there with 1987 where you belong.)

There is nothing better than snuggly sleeping critters. (Unless the critters are spiders or clowns, that's just not cool.)

The fact that Eddie Murphy did Beverly Hills Cop and Daddy Day Care really proves his range. I cannot think of a single other good thing to say about that fact. He's like the Beatles in reverse.

Do cats think anything is funny? How can I love mine so much when they show no evidence of having a sense of humor? If I met a man who was adorably warm and fuzzy but had no sense of humor, would I be able to love him? Something tells me no. The kitties don't talk back when I sing the A-Team theme song to them, but I have a feeling the guy would. I need my freedom to sing the A-Team when necessary.

Even more than clowns, the nanny from The Omen will always scare the shit out of me. That woman's creepy with a capital oooog.

Stirrup pants. Why did we do that to ourselves?
Girls in low-rider pants with plumbers' butt crack. Why are they doing that to us?

Well that's it for now, tune back in soon for the Holiday Edition of Random Thoughts into the Void.

Cheers,
Donna

1 comment:

cillic said...

cillic the fantabulous is here to answer ALL of your questions.

Q. Who at the Febreze company is getting fired for Scentstories?
A. The one that smells like feet.

Q. Name the movie where Will Smith says, "Oh HEEELLLLL no!"
A. Will Smith does movies?

Q. Who let Don Johnson and Philip Michael Thomas into the recording studio? Actually, who let them into the public eye, period?
A. The same people who brought you Cop Rock!

Q. Why did Care Bears come back? Who were the douches that liked these the first time around? Whatever happened to plain brown teddy bears?
A. The Real Question is, where is Teddy Ruxpin when you need him?

Q. The DiSaronno commercial where the chick sucks on the ice cube and makes the barkeep spooge his panties? Do guys think she's hot?
A. Speaking as a guy and an ex-barkeep of sorts, DiSaronno sucks. Any woman who gets off on the stuff is obviously a mono-sylabic alient beast-hound from Neptune in disguise looking for prey. Not a bad disguise, eh?

Q. In Sixteen Candles, when Samantha and Jake finally get to smooch, leaning over the cake with a bazillion candles on it, didn't that burn the shit out of their chins? And how many teen couples tried that after that movie and burned the shit out of their chins?
A. If you EVER dis Sixteen Candles again I'll use my John Cryer voodoo doll to put the smack down on your near-cheddar-headed ass!

BTW - Flopsy Mopsey Smurf

Q. Did Van Halen seriously think Gary Cherone was going to work out for them? Come on. I'll take a stoned and incoherent David Lee Roth every day over the pansy who sang More than Words.
A. Hey, David Lee Roth is now an EMT. Pretty sad that the only time he can make out with a woman is because she's unconscious from Smoke Inhalation (kinda like Larry Hagman's character in Mother, Juggs and Speed. What? You've never seen Mother, Juggs and Speed? Go get it. NOW! Bill Cosby, Raquelle Welch, Harvey Kietel, and Dick motherfucking Butkis! Pure '70s gold!

Q. How horrible was it that Viktor Yushchenko got poisoned?
A. Not nearly as horrible as Bush getting re-elected.

BTW - I'm waiting for the night boat as we speak.

Q. Do cats think anything is funny? How can I love mine so much when they show no evidence of having a sense of humor? If I met a man who was adorably warm and fuzzy but had no sense of humor, would I be able to love him?
A. More importantly, how the hell did cats get qualified as pets in the first place?

BTW - Donna! I did it all for you! [Jumps off of cubicle railing...]

Q. Stirrup pants. Why did we do that to ourselves?
Girls in low-rider pants with plumbers' butt crack. Why are they doing that to us?
A. I still miss my parachute pants. And regarding the low-riders... why the hell don't chicks with hips wear those. That would be nice. I only see scrawny little bitches with the hips of 13-year-old boys wearing those things. That's my only complaint...

cillic