Very Odds and Ends

The Bourne Ultimatum. It was ok. Good action, plus Matt Damon is so tasty and delicious I might not have to eat for weeks after a Bourne marathon. However, I have only read half of The Bourne Identity and I'm fairly sure there was reasoning behind Damon's character agreeing to become Jason Bourne, and the movie didn't touch on it at all, which kind of left the impression that he was just a pointless, thoughtless mook who agreed to become this killing machine.

Clowns are still fuckers. I was flipping channels the other day, and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban was on, which is the third film installment in the franchise that made J.K. Rowling richer than the Queen and Davy Crockett combined. In the scene I was watching, the students confront a shape-shifter that takes on the shape of whatever your deepest fear is. The trick to defeating this thing is to think of how to make the fearsome look ridiculous, and then cast the proper spell. So this one girl steps up to the plate, and the boggart (shape-shifter) turns into a mummy or something. She casts her spell and the damn thing turns into a SEVEN-FOOT CLOWN. HELLO??!?!??!?!?! That's a bazillion times worse than a well-preserved corpse in need of new gauze. WTF???

In other clowns-are-fuckers news, I also saw the Krusty the Clown Burger King commercial that shows both Krusty and an animated version of that unbelievably creepy Burger King character. I couldn't decide which was worse.

Sweet pathetic reality TV and the validation of self. So this weekend I also discovered a horrific trainwreck of epic proportion - The Two Coreys. Who are the Two Coreys? Corey Haim and Corey Feldman of course, who rose to meteoric (a really sluggish, cold meteor) fame in the 80's thanks to the film The Lost Boys.

Both Coreys are about 35 now. Feldman is gainfully employed and married with a nice house and a cute dog. Haim is unemployed and appears to have stopped maturing mentally just around the original premiere of The Lost Boys, 20 years ago. He is basically a hot steaming mess. Haim moves in with Feldman and his wife and the Madcap High Jinks Train leaves the depot.

I told John about this show and we both agreed that we would have expected Feldman to turn out the worse of the Two Coreys. I am wondering if this is because Feldman was the less conventionally attractive Corey back in the day, i.e. people tend to associate good looks with good fortune. To both our credits though, Feldman did have that weird Michael Jackson wannabe phase to live down as well. In any case, we both turned out to be wrong and Haim is the pungent mess that we would have been more inclined to expect of Feldman.

It all adds up to a jaw-dropping, fetal-position-inducing spectacle that is only honed to a razor edge by the addition of Feldman's wife, she of the suspiciously buoyant breasts and tears flowing in support of PETA. It's horrific. It's awkward. And I fully admit that it makes me a lesser person when I admit that this trainwreck makes me feel better about myself. Sometimes you gotta do what you can to cope.