Adventures in the Dating Internetz

So, I have been on dating sites on and off for a few years, mostly off, because cheebus wept, even my amazing limits for laughing at the fail of others can get overstretched.  I have met a few initially decent guys in my internetz wanderings, but they turned out to be closet assholes.  Hey, that can happen no matter where I meet someone so I can't blame the internet for that. 

For your entertainment, I thought I'd review some basic guidelines about how to turn me off, and then I'll go into some specific examples.  (Having forced myself into a largely science/math education, I have been trained to show my work and give examples.)

Basic Guidelines

• Take your shirt off for your main picture/majority of your pictures.  If I want to see you with your shirt off, I will ask you to take it off.  If you're just trying to show that you don't have moobs, that can still be accomplished with a t-shirt on.  
• Your main picture is your car.  Or your motorcycle.  All I hear when I see this kind of picture is CHECK MY SWEET RIDE!  MESSAGE ME NOW AND MY OTHER RIDE CAN BE YOU!!! 
• Replacing "you" and "your" and "I'm" with "u", "ur" and "Im" respectively.  If you made your profile on a cell phone, you shouldn't have.  If you didn't make your profile on a cell phone, there is no excuse for not typing the TWO EXTRA LETTERS in "you" and if you really want to get crazy up in here, SPELL-CHECK.  Do you people send out resumes that look so god-awful?  Because you are trying to make a good first impression and be noticed positively in either situation, no?
• In your first message, send some variation of "GIRL U R SEXY WANNA GET WITH YOU NOW HIT ME UP K".  You know, props for being honest and straightforward, but I am not interested in providing the orifice that you drop your tackle into this week. Or any other.
• Born during /before the Eisenhower Administration or during/after the Reagan Administration.  AND have nothing in common with me.  
• Your basic heinous fuckery including:
• Sexist or racist jokes in your profile or messages to me. 
• Being married or otherwise committed but "Available" and looking for some side action.

Specific Examples

• The guy whose only picture was of himself sitting at a table with an Asian woman (her arms around him) and a vase of red roses next to them.  Of course he specifies Asian women only in his profile.  Take-home message: IF YOU GET HERE FAST ENOUGH, I CAN REUSE THE FLOWERS I GAVE THIS ONE
• Fringe benefit on this one - Holy Sweet Mullets, Batman.
• The guy whose profile was a long-winded explanation of why he needed a quiet little lady to care for his house and later, children.  Also, numerous examples of why American society (which apparently is entirely comprised of beer and unworthy sports like football) is beneath him.  AMERICA, FUCK NO!
• The guy who wrote "OMG THOSE FUNBAGS ARE HUGE FOR AN ASIAN WOMAN.  IM me at racistsexistdickbag@yahoo.com, k???"  No, I cannot make this shit up.  Well ok, the email address I made up.  But unfortunately the rest of it is verbatim.
• More shit I cannot make up - the guy who messaged me "ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME, SUCKY SUCKY FIVE DOLLAH???"  But apparently that incident got him kicked off match.com.  Woot!
• As referenced in another blog post, the guy who was into "intelictual pursuits".  SPELL-CHECK.  ALSO, IRONY-CHECK.
• The guy who was 17 yrs younger than me and had nothing in common with me.  Conversely, the guy who was 22 yrs older than me and again, had nothing in common with me. 
• The guy whose pictures looked strongly Chester Molester-ish and who sent me demands to give him a chance interspersed with long rambling screeds of philosophy and mayhem.  This was after I'd sent two polite indications of my lack of interest.  I shouldn't have blocked him before I got some more good fictional character ideas from him but you know, I gotta get through the day sane somehow. 
• The guy who has been told he resembles an actor.  So his only profile picture is actually a picture of that actor.  Proof, right?
• The guy who was not only nearly 20 yrs older than me, but one of his pictures was taken specifically at an angle and distance to let you know that yes, he has a penis, and yes, it is ready for your orifice.  No, it was not an accident.  He specifically stated in the picture caption that this was the look he was going for.  

There are more examples but I've probably rendered all 7 of my readers catatonic with this list already.