Blogged Down

So this morning, I'm driving to work, and I see a Chevy Suburban type vehicle in front of me, with detailing on the back that resembled this: (please excuse the crappy artwork on my part)


See the white lines? Yeah that's what I thought too. Never again will I berate a man for being fascinated by the sight of a thong. If the car hadn't turned right away, I might have followed them wherever they were going, I was that mesmerized.

Not much is going on with me. I work, I knit, I converse with friends. Next Monday I am getting my new laminate flooring installed which I am quite excited about. Cats, feel free to puke at will on this floor - I shall wipe it up with a smile. But this weekend will suck balls for me as I'll be moving furniture.

My good friend LK and I had a conversation that worked its way around to talking meat pants. Don't ask.

Laura Kehoe: meat pants
Donna Lee: god that's a mouthful ain't it (speaking of John's nickname Pantalones de la Carne)
Donna Lee: literally and figuratively
Laura Kehoe: no wonder they talk so fast
Laura Kehoe: they have more words to say the same thing
Donna Lee: oh i thought you meant meat pants talk fast?
Laura Kehoe: you made me spit my water
Laura Kehoe: I think I'm getting loopy... but I thought of talking meat pants
Donna Lee: them is some fast-talkin meat pants
Laura Kehoe: i need a drink
Donna Lee: i'm seeing chaps made of pepperoni singing "Home on the Range"
Laura Kehoe: what about chaps made of thinly sliced roast beef?
Laura Kehoe: talking meat pants still has me laughing
Donna Lee: i see roast beef as more of a boxer material
Donna Lee: chaps need to be sturdier
Laura Kehoe: true
Laura Kehoe: like genoa salami
Laura Kehoe: a true spaghetti western
Donna Lee: now i see a line of roast beef boxers singing "It's Raining Men"
Laura Kehoe: dude, you're fucked up

I can't help it that I have a vivid imagination. I once had a dream that George Clooney and Jimmy Stewart were fighting over me. Using Jello and ball-point pens.

[Jimmy Stewart to George Clooney, as he fences with GC using a Bic pen] - "You're crazy, Clooney, you're, you're just SCREWY!!!"

Don't ask me why, I don't make the rules.

I work with a very kind European who has a very soothing voice. Soothing to the point that if I listen to him for more than 5 minutes, I am lulled into a state of comfort. And by comfort, I mean semi-consciousness. And by semi-consciousness, I mean sleep. I'm wondering if it's illegal to tape a phone call with him and use it for when I have insomnia. One night, I couldn't fall asleep, and when I finally did fall asleep, I dreamt that I still couldn't fall asleep, so I called him and asked if he would be kind enough to read War and Peace to me over the phone so I could sleep. (I'm hoping it really was a dream - if I actually did call him and ask him this, he's been tactful enough not to mention it to me)

I saw my best friend this weekend. She told me she's in a wedding and she doesn't know the bride's last name. To her credit, she and her husband are much closer to the groom than the bride, but damn.

Well, that's all the news that's fit to blog for me so far this week.

With peace, good will, and car thongs,
Donna

OK That is IT

Whoever creates the advertising campaigns for Old Navy MUST. DIE. IMMEDIATELY.

It wasn't bad enough to besmirch my fond memories of junior high and set Bermuda shorts to the soundtrack of "Fame".

NOW they have perky girls in ugly shirts mutilating the theme of my prom, Young MC's "Bust A Move".

THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.
DIE OLD NAVY.
DIE.

p.s. in a totally unrelated point, I'm watching "Scrubs" and the snarky doc came out without his shirt on. Puuuurrrrr. Smart, snarky, and slammin' abs. Yum.

Am I the Entertainer?

For anyone reading this who doesn't know me (and I can't imagine who you might be) I am a happily single 33-yr old female who's got a steady job (well "steady" in these uncertain times anyway) and my own car and house. Obviously I haven't met the right guy, and I'm not about to conduct experiments in self-punishment in order to be with just any guy and pay my dues to couplehood.

I've always thought my requirements for a partner to be simple (perhaps deceptively simple) - he has to make me happy, and he has to make me laugh. There's TONS of guys out there who could make me laugh, but none would make me happy in the long run, and probably a lot of perfectly wonderful nice guys who might make me happy but wouldn't make me laugh. (Which I realize, is part of being happy)

Quite a few recent random thoughts and observations into my life make me wonder though. Am I expecting too much to ask that my partner be the entertainer in the relationship? The general trend I notice when I am with friends, is that I am the one making others laugh. My friends are funny, sure, but it's not often they get the big belly laugh out of me, which I guess I always expected that a partner of mine would be able to make me do. If I'm the one making my friends laugh, should I also be the one to make That Special Someone laugh, instead of the other way around? I mean, let's be honest, it's fun to be funny. I delight in making my friends laugh. I love seeing my friends send me whatever flavor of rollingonthefloorlaughing emoticon they currently use.

I find myself sometimes attracted to men who I know won't make me laugh, and I usually end up dismissing them because I feel they're too nice for me, and they won't entertain me. But usually I'm not attracted to men who can entertain me. Where's the balance? At what point do I make the trade-off? Or should I just take the first man who sits patiently through my attempts to remember and sing the theme song to Magnum P.I. - or better yet, remembers it and sings it for me so we can sing it together? (I can't imagine there are too many of those)

Beauty fades, money gets spent, but the theme to "Diff'rent Strokes" is forever.

Random Wishes for DeLayed Justice

Hi, thanks for coming back. Here we go.


The other day I was driving behind a mini-van, which had a window sticker from my high school. Then I noticed the license plate frame said "Northwestern Wildcats" which made the purple pawprint window sticker in the other corner of the rear window make more sense.

Then I noticed the entire mini-van was purple.

And I thought my Illinois wallpaper on my cell phone was lame.

"That's all right, that's ok, you're gonna work for us someday!" I bet the driver of that van sings that in his/her sleep.
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If there's anyone in the free world that I wish a "Money's on the dresser, Chocolate" moment on, it's House Majority Leader Tom DeLay. What a frigging Cornelia Unt. I think he's suckier than Bush and on the road to being suckier than Karl Rove. But people in his own party are turning against him, or at least not totally turning a blind eye to his shenanigans. (And believe me, a blind eye is easy to get when you've just had a load of Santorum spewed in your face) I don't dare to hope for too much, but I might have more faith in mankind if the Republicans bitchslapped him. Ok, no I wouldn't. But it'd be pretty sweet.
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This weekend, I went where no knitter has gone before. Ok, where I as a knitter have never gone before.

I. KNIT. A. HAT.

It's true! I knit something that was not a variant of a rectangle!!! Granted, it's a baby hat that looks like a cute fuzzy baby blue half-rolled condom with the reservoir pulled WAAAAY out. Meg would be proud. But I can knit hats now and that's all that matters. I am going to knit a bright blue one with a red stripe and tail at the top for my quasinephew Alex so that he may be properly protected against the insidious influence of his Sox-lovin' mom.
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Whoever the hell it was who went to the Cubs' home-opener and jinxed them, thanks a whole hell of a lot.
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I really hope the Wal-Marts in Germany are less gross than the Wal-Marts here. I really don't see the Wal-Marts here as somewhere to go pick up a man. However, I might be convinced to do it just for the wealth of blogging material I would get. As I am naturally a psycho freak magnet, I can't imagine what my yield would be if I purposely made myself a target for the local talent at Wal-Mart.
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The Common Cold or the Germination of Insanity

I think I am getting sick. I couldn't wake up today, and now I'm a bit achy, my head feels heavy - like Orca-heavy - and my throat is itchy. I sincerely hope this is the reason for the constant loop running through my head which alternates between the theme song from The Benny Hill Show and the theme song from Benson. If it's not due to impending illness then I might could be losing it for good.

Thanks for a Great Run, Illinois

I want it on record that the Illini's loss to UNC last night was not my fault. I did not even let the Tivo guide hover over Channel 2 at any time during the evening. Since I have been so deathly afraid to watch any games for fear of my awesome influence on sporting events running amok*, I cannot comment on their performance, but hey they got to the championship game for the first time ever for Illinois so they must not suck. Seriously, thanks to Bruce Weber and the Illini for a great run. And thanks to Michigan State for knocking out Duke. Because Duke sucks.

Go Cubs!!!

*For those of you who don't know, I have made deals with the Almighty in the past in attempts to influence the outcome of major sporting events, and they seem to be successful as long as the outcome benefits many people and my own team is not involved.

Incident #1 - In the 2002 World Series, Anaheim vs San Francisco, I promised God I would back Ohio State football the rest of the year, if Barry Bonds lost the Series. As millions of people across the country hate Barry Bonds, this outcome benefited many and I got my wish and held up my end of the deal proudly, ignoring the scorn of my fellow Illinois alumnae.

Incident #2 - Same as above, substitute 2004, Yankees, Red Sox, and Michigan. Millions hate the Yankees, got my wish again, and jumped on board the Michigan bandwagon. However, since I qualified "for the rest of the year", I did not have to root for them in the Rose Bowl which was January 1 of this year.

Incident #3 - Well, I didn't make any specific deals, but I did hope really hard for the Vikings to lose in the playoffs last year, because Randy Moss is such a bitch. I'll be doing the same thing for the Raiders this year.

Kill Shill - Drowning in Celebrity Sellout

If it's a day ending in a "y", some celebrity somewhere is lending their moderately to largely famous face to promote a product.

Sometimes, this almost makes poetic sense, as in the case of the Burger King Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch sandwich, brought to you in down-home cheerful tones by Hootie, of the frat rock band Hootie and the Blowfish. The fact that Hootie is wearing a Roy Rogers outfit typically only seen on men so white you can see through them is icing on the cake. Or is the icing on the cake the appearance of Brooke Burke, fresh from her duties on E! and modeling tiny swimsuits, with a Southern accent to boot? Evidently she is now "Wild On" Burger King.

Sometimes, it's completely annoying with a depressing undertone, like David Spade's series of Capital One commercials - "Cabo? Cab-NO, maybe!" Clearly, no one misses Chris Farley more than David Spade's career.

Sometimes, it's funny in a laughing-at-the-misfortunes-of-others way, like the commercials we don't even have to see of Ben Affleck making Japanese hearts swoon for Revlon. But hey, they have panties in vending machines over there so worship of Ben Affleck isn't much of a shocker, right? Wrong. Panties are funny, Ben Affleck is just sad.

And sometimes, it's downright ooky and scary, as in the case of Robert de Niro waxing poetic on the subject of American Express. Mr. de Niro, seriously. I don't care who you owe a favor to, or what gigs you aren't getting now, please let me remember you as an actor with mad skills, a membership that actually DOES have its privileges.

Catherine Zeta-Jones, Joan Cusack, SNOOP DOGG, Uma Thurman, Nicole Kidman, cell phones, sidekicks, soda pop, smelly perfume, overpriced purses, you name it, they're shillling for it. That annoying Sarah Jessica Parker Gap commercial is constantly stuck in my head. And thanks also to the Gap for ruining Earth, Wind and Fire by having that twerp from NSync sing the last bit of "Shining Star" on yes, another annoying Sarah Jessica Parker commercial.

I'm not completely against celebrity endorsement but it seems like there's no rest from it these days, and you know what? Seeing Tiger Woods run from the paparazzi is not going to make me buy a Buick any more than bouncy perky feminine hygiene commercials will make me buy panty liners designed for thongs. And thongs to go with those panty liners designed for thongs. All it does is make me more tired of the celebrities than I already am. And squicked out about panty liners and thongs.

In a tribute to the good old days of advertising when you'd buy a product that two unknown old men are shilling - "We thank you for your support."

Snark Attack

Yes I know it's been weeks since I last blogged, I was uber busy for weeks, and last week I just didn't feel like writing. Also, LK, demands for me to write make me write even less. This does not bode well for a writing career for me I guess. Clearly, fan mail will not be my motivation.

So what's been up with me and my brain?

I saw my little quasi-nephew Alex yesterday. In my opinion, he plateaued at perfect around Thanksgiving and of course can't get better than that. I dearly love the little guy...he can crawl now. Not good on-hands-and-knees crawling, more like watch-for-Charlies-in-the-trees crawling. He also tried to eat my feet (ew) and in a monumental testament of my love for him, I picked his nose when I couldn't get the gimongous booger out of it with a kleenex. Nothing says loving like sticking your finger in someone else's nose. Oh and a piece of happy news, his p's just got engaged yesterday. Kelly was so shocked she could only laugh. I am uber happy for all.

If you are talking to someone whose relative has been extremely sick, like on the verge of death sick, and you are not a doctor, do you consider it your place to dispense medical advice to this person? And THEN, do you consider it your duty as a so-called human being to ask the person how much more they should really try to save the relative's life, because of course it's any of your business? Me neither. But a certain Cornelia Unt I know seems to consider both things their duty in life. You can call Cornelia a dirty whore now - I do every day.

This whole Terri Schiavo thing really makes you think hard about making a living will. I personally would never want to be in her condition, but no one will ever know that unless I make one. And since she didn't have one, no one will ever know for sure what she wanted, least of all the melee of buttinskis who are making it their job to throw in their opinions and pass judgement when, clearly, they are not any of the parties involved. I'm not just talking about Congress, people. If you're not in this situation or have been in this situation yourself, just butt the hell out.

Yesterday, I was driving past the house that posted the Bush/Cheney 2004 billboard in their front lawn last autumn, and I thought about the fact that 1 in 4 voters in Illinois picked Alan Keyes in the Senate race. And I wondered how many more might have voted for him if he were white. Chew on that and get back to me.

Illinois has gotten to the Sweet Sixteen in the NCAA tournament, so I have allowed a faint spark of hope to light within my soul about this team. Still, I'm afraid to watch any games for fear I jinx them.

Who decided Bermuda shorts should come back into style? And who at Old Navy thought Bermuda shorts set to the soundtrack of "Fame" was a good idea? Whoever you are, don't identify yourself if you ever meet me. I will not be responsible for my actions then.

Martha Stewart missed lemons while she was in the big house. Only lemons. That woman certainly doesn't know how to combat the reports that she is dead inside.

My cat Molly just came running up to me as I was singing "The Rainbow Connection" and let out an indignant MEOW of protest when I finished. Evidently she is not fond of that song. But she chases her own tail and licks her own butt so what does she know. (Editor's Note: I wasn't just randomly singing "The Rainbow Connection", I Heart the 70's happened to be on VH1. But sometimes I do just randomly sing that song...I was asked to sing two lines from it solo in front of my fifth grade music class so I think sometimes I have horror flashbacks. Also, I like Kermit.)

TV commercials have ruined the Kill Bill soundtrack for me.

Is it wrong that I want to grow my hair out really long so I can walk with it hanging in my face and creep out people who were scared by The Ring? Well too bad, I'm doing it anyway.

That's all for now

Cheers,

D

Random in San Francisco

Well here I am in not-sunny-at-all San Francisco, at my company's annual sales kickoff conference. The hotel is nice. I miss my kitties though.

City of Angels is on tv now. I hate this piece of overly sentimental cinematic swill but it's this or Fox News.

Speaking of Fox News, if they went by what their true name should be, Fox Commentary Channel instead of Fox News Channel, their abbreviation would be FCC. Coincidence? Not these days.

Later on I'm going to go visit one of the Lush stores in San Francisco. I know all the stuff is the same as at the Chicago store, but it's fun to say I was there. Also, I been to San Francisco twice and seen most of what I wanted to see already.

What happened to the creators of Shrek to make them put out Father of the Pride and Shark Tales? Seriously. Were they in the shower the same time as Disney and dropped their soap?

Man is this going to be a long week.

Prince Charles is finally getting hitched to Camilla Horsey-Moles or whatever her name is - aside from all the pictures of them faintly reminding me of Dopey leading a horse, I say whatever makes them happy. And after the wedding hoorah, please put them away and only publish pictures of William, because, yum.

Well I'm hungry, so going to get dressed and go shopping and find food.

mooches smooches,
D

Strength

Last night I spoke to an old friend from high school and we hadn't talked in quite a while. (Oddly enough she may be reading this soon as I found out she keeps up with my life through my blog! I'm not naming her just in case someone reads this who knows her and she hasn't told them about this yet and might want to do so herself.) Anyway, a couple of years ago, her mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. They caught it very early and it seemed like they had gotten rid of it all and that she was just fine.

Well, they recently found out that it has spread to her liver, and it's incurable when this happens. Both my friend and her mom have AMAZINGLY positive attitudes about this. I don't know what I myself would do in this situation but I really have to wonder if I could find the strength that they have now. I don't want to get all Frank Capra here, but this woman really has had a wonderful life in my opinion, she's smart, she's funny, and she has a wonderful family - she and her husband have raised two smart, humorous, decent, responsible people. I'm really sad about this, but if she can have a positive attitude, then I can do the same for her sake. But please, if you have some positive vibes to send her way, I'm sure she would welcome the boost.

Thanks,
D

Adjusting

I was having dinner with some friends last night, among them one man, and the subject of adjusting came up. Specifically, male adjusting. More specifically, the act of men adjusting the twig and berries which women have always found inexplicable at best, ooky and "stupidboys" at worst.

All the women present were anxious to understand why the male is always adjusting. I had personally always thought that it was a form of checking to make sure Junior and the Wangettes are still there, and that the male is really not even aware that he's doing it, or if he is, he considers himself to be conducting the act in a really sneaky and surreptitious manner. 007 grabbing, if you will.

But it occurred to me that perhaps this is making it too simplistic. Maybe there is a "home position", a position that if Junior were to veer too far from, chemical and spiritual imbalances would take place in the man. Electrolytes out of whack, cardiac arrhythmia. Or at the very least, discomfort. This actually turned out to be the case (or the most acceptable explanation) for the poor man present for the discussion.

Why then, do men continue to do it while sitting? We understand adjusting before sitting down, and after standing up. Things are bound to move. But is there shifting while men are in a seated position? I think there must be, especially if they cross their legs. But if they are sitting still, why the adjusting then?

Then of course, there's the more obvious reasoning, that men adjust to let women (or men if they are gay) know that look, there is a wang here, and yes, the buffet is open for business. I further postulate that if a man is, how do we say, genitally challenged, he would also want to conduct status checks to make sure his works haven't disappeared completely.

So men, if you are reading, please post a comment and let us know which of the following explanations suits your acts of adjustment (you may of course pick more than one, but if you do, please note which reason is the most frequent/important)

1. You need to get it back into a comfortable "home position"
2. You want to make sure it is still there
3. You want everyone else to know it is still there
4. It itches, ok???
5. You have no idea what I'm talking about and you never do this. (note: selecting this option classifies you as a dirty liar)

Thanks in advance for your cooperation,

D

Random Bits, Personal Accountability, and People with Nothing Better to Do

FOOTBALL FANS START HERE:
Heh heh oops - I really thought the Eagles would lose today. After all - they've suffered so many injuries - from choking. However, I really am glad to see Philly win. I would be REALLY glad to see Terrell Owens come back for the Super Bowl, for the Eagles to beat the Patriots, and for Rush Limbaugh's fat pasty stupid face to get rubbed into his own moronic commentary on black quarterbacks.

NON-FOOTBALL FANS START HERE:

What the hell's with this little whiny bitch? What kind of honor student signs up for a class knowing there's homework over the summer, and then tries to SUE about it? And what kind of moronic father backs him up on it? Not too hard to figure out where this kid's sense of accountability comes from.

Hey did you all know Spongebob is all about the Spongewang? I'm going to send these folks my shopping lists and some of my knitting to do as they obviously have nothing constructive to do with their time. If you guys have to dog on a gay cartoon, you would much better serve the world by turning your attention to that annoying neckerchiefed douchebag Fred on Scooby-Doo.

Speaking of knitting, I was in the waiting room at Toyota getting my car looked at. I brought my knitting along with me - I had about 1 1/2 feet done on a scarf for my moms. Unfortunately, the View was on - that talk show with 4 biddies of varying ages including the excruciatingly annoying Star Jones. The first time I looked up, they were cooing and gushing about Laura Bush's inaugural clothes. I think I threw up in my mouth a little. Next thing I know, Ice Cube is tucked up on the couch in the midst of the 4 biddies talking about his latest sellout, Are We There Yet? Hey I'm ok with him doing family films, but does he have to do one that looks like it sucks Satan's buttcheese? At this point, they tell me my car is done, so in a massive hurry to escape VapidBiddypalooza, I shove my knitting in my bag. Arriving home, I realize I've dropped a ton of stitches and basically have to start over. Well, at least it looks much better the second time around.

Holy snow huh? But believe it or not - my snowdrift neighbors somehow got hold of some snow removal method and cleared their driveway! This morning they had driven across their neighbors' driveway and on top of their snow so were parked diagonally in their driveway. But by the time I got back home they had cleared it all up. And again, I'd like to thank God for snowblowers. I cleared yesterday and today - yesterday I basically spent blowing snow into the wind to have it blown back on me. I tried turning in every angle that wouldn't blow snow all over my next door neighbors' driveway, but the wind defeated me every direction I tried. Still, it was much easier this morning with the work I'd done yesterday. My snowblower isn't big enough to handle stomach-high drifts, so there was a lot of poke drifts with the shovel, clear the fallen snow with the blower. Tedious, but at least I can get out of the driveway, and at least we didn't get what New England got.

Yes my Christmas tree is still up. I think I'll take it down this weekend though. Valentine's Day trees just don't work for me. If I could find one though, I'd take Carl's suggestion and put up a Festivus pole.

I watched Citizen Kane for the first time this weekend. I can't believe how hot Orson Welles used to be. Rosebud, y'all.

I think I'll be getting this book, God's Politics:How the Right Got It Wrong and the Left Doesn't Get It. I saw the author on the Daily Show last week and it was quite refreshing to see a Christian stating publicly that it's doubtful Jesus wanted Bush to wage war on towelheads for bullshit reasons and piss on the environment.

Johnny Carson died today. This is so sad. I always thought Jay Leno was a poor, poor replacement for JC. We'll miss you, Johnny. Thanks for the laughs.

Cheers,
D

Oh the Weather Outside is Horrible

And my job is so deplorable. Just kidding. Thank you MDL for continuing to pay me.

Non-football people, now's the time to go get a drink or something. I'll let you know when to tune back in. I just got done watching the Colts vs. the Patriots - I'm shaking my head here but I'm not surprised. Indianapolis made the decision to spend large coin on offense and $3 on defense and it shows. You cannot win championships without defense. I don't care how great Peyton Manning and the Colts offense are, you can't put minimum wage teenagers on defense against Tom Brady and expect to win. Part of me secretly dreams that Manning will be fed up and want to come to the Bears since we actually have a defense. He needs to bring his offensive line with him though because ours is shit. Then Ron Turner will be irrelevant since Manning calls his own plays.

I was glad to see the Eagles beat the Vikings, because although I like Daunte Culpepper, I HATE Randy Moss. I wanted the Packers to beat them last week because Randy Moss is such a bitch. What makes it worse is that he's a talented player, he would be REVERED if he wasn't such a festering asshole. Atlanta spanked the Rams and sent them home sobbing to their mommies, to which I said "Duh." I call an Atlanta v. New England Super Bowl, and I think Atlanta will win.

Ok non-football fans, time to tune in again! And now for a word from my sponsor (well not really) but I am taking the chance to pimp Adagio Teas. Their teas kick ASS. Email me if you want a $5 gift certificate!

If you were wondering about my neighbors' snow drift - yep it's still there. Smaller, but still there.

Does anyone else think Bobby Flay is an arrogant whiny bitch? Me too.

I am a knitting fool now! So far I can only knit scarves - well, um, just one scarf. It's a six foot long lumpy blue portrait of the cellulite on the back of my thighs, but everyone who's seen it says it's really nice (even my mom!) but I think they're all being polite. (Even though the last time I saw Mom be polite was right around the Nixon administration). Anyway, I'm giving it to John, because LK says he needs a long scarf, and I dare say he'll find it rather amusing to have a blue representation of my thighs wrapped around his neck. Now I'm working on a scarf for Mom with multicolored yarn (burgundy/green) and after that - you guessed it, more scarves. John's best friend's wife Niki told me it's easy to knit hats, but I ran away screaming in fear. I like scarves. They is nice and flat. (In that respect, they are my anti-breasts.)

Had a pretty good weekend so far. Yesterday I went with bestbud Meeyun to see our favorite Indian people, Shilpa, Bug, his wife Rupal, and all their kiddies. Bug and Rupal have a new baby boy, Ronin, who looks just like his dad so we've christened him Mini-Bug.

(I sense a Note of Explanation is needed. Bug's real name is Suketu. pronounced soo-keh-too. Back in the day at Abbott, this guy we worked with could not pronounce it any other way than "cicada". As though Bug were one of a plague of Hindu locusts descended upon the U.S. to write our software and man our gas stations/Kwik-E-Marts. But I digress. We just started calling him "Bug" for short. It was a moment of sadness and shame in my life when his wife asked him a question and involuntarily called him "Bug")

Anyway back to Adventures with the Brownies. We were celebrating Bug's and Meeyun's birthdays. and ate lots of yummy Indian flavory food, and had lots to catch up on since we hadn't all gotten together in quite a while. Priyanna (Shilpa's daughter) and Sareena (Bug and Rupal's daughter) are both about 2.5 yrs old and totally sweet, albeit a bit shy. But hey, better shy than whiny brats like so many kids I see - Shilpa and Bug and Rupal are all doing great parenting jobs.

Today I had lunch with Mom and Dad, and hung out watching football and knitting with Dad. I really think Mom identifies more with me now that I've picked up knitting, because she used to knit a LOT. I bond with Dad over sports, with Mom over shopping and crafts.

Tomorrow I have MLK Day off (I'm not sure Dr. King's dream included people having a day off, but I suppose he doesn't mind either). I work with a lot of Europeans so am still going to sit in on a conf call in the morning with them, and then heading into the city to see LK and John, give John his lumpy scarf, go to Lush, and have pillow fights with LK. Or something.

Mooches smooches,

Donna

Edited to add: Don Cheadle just got robbed at the Golden Globes, losing to that annoying ass-clown Leonardo DiCaprio. Also Hotel Rwanda lost to the Aviator, so I smell an Oscar robbing coming up for Jamie Foxx, Ray, and Hotel Rwanda. (Yes I know Ray and Hotel Rwanda can't both win, but I'd rather one of them win than the Aviator. However, I sense Oscar voters will be overcome by the need to suck Scorsese's wang.)

Prayers, Hugs, Positive Thoughts Needed

I have a friend, Anne. About a year and a half ago, her mother passed away after a long bout with cancer, during which it seemed like she might have beaten it, but it came back and she succumbed in the end. I met her father at the wake and he looked so lost and sad. Well, last week he fell off a ladder. I didn't get all the details, but he was bleeding from his ear, so I think they found bleeding inside his skull. He's in Intensive Care now, and on top of that he's got pneumonia.

Whatever you have, prayers, good thoughts, anything, please send them over to Annie and her dad, they really need them now.

Thanks.
Donna

Random Observations and Occurrences

First off, many thanks to Carl the Fantabulous for his engaging wit de razeur (French term that I just now completely made up) response to my last blog entry.

p.s. Carl - depending on the rooster in question, the Cock is EVERYTHING to giggle about.

Ok. Let's get started.

Now, far be it from me to be a nosybiddy neighbor - heck I don't even know any of their names. But in the recent spouts of snow that got spooged onto the Chicago area, I notice that the people across the street from me seem to be, well, lazy. And that's saying a LOT from a chick who won't take down her Christmas tree.

Some background - I live on a street of duplexes, which means that I am connected to one other house, we share a double-width driveway, and when it comes to snow, I clean my half, they clean their half. The people across the street from me - one half is clean, and the other half has that massive snow drift left at the curb by the street plow. FROM LAST WEEK. I have seen their truck in the driveway since last week (somehow squished between the garage and the massive snow drift) so it's not like they blew town.

Today, I was on my way out - saw the guy with his truck parked in his neighbor's half of the driveway, shoveling snow since we got some more last night. I come back home - the drift is STILL there but now he's somehow again parked his truck between the garage and the drift. Hey if it works for him it's fine with me. But something tells me not to count on them in any neighborhood cooperative efforts (not like we have any, but still)
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In the answer to my daily prayers since Week 5 of the NFL season, the Bears have fired their offensive coordinator, Terry Shea. I hear people saying how the Bears quarterbacks suck, which is true, but they were on their sixth sucky offensive lineup at the end of the season. If the wind is blowing above 2 mph, the offensive linemen will fall down. Peyton Manning, good as he is, would have gotten KILLED DEAD with this offensive line, because it's basically like asking paper dolls to protect you.

Now don't get me wrong, the quarterbacks have sucked. When Craig Krenzel is six inches from FALLING out of bounds, but takes a moment to ponder, "What should I do before falling out of bounds? OH. I know. I'll throw the ball to the other team first." Sucky quarterback.

I have seen 5 plays from the Bears offense all season. I will be extremely generous and include
1) the successful pass and
2) the successful rush (each of which I have seen all of 4 times this season)
3) Ball snapped, offensive line falls down, quarterback is mowed down flat. (feel free to insert fumble here if in the mood)
4) Ball snapped, quarterback runs far enough away from the offensive line to give himself time to throw an interception
5) Ball snapped, offensive line thinks enough happy thoughts to stay upright long enough for quarterback to throw the ball, only to find David Terrell has run the play in the wrong direction. Being the sucky quarterback that he is, he cannot adjust and throws the ball at empty field.

I'm going to wait to pass judgment on Ron Turner who's taking over, but if his last three seasons coaching Illinois is any indication, I'm not too hopeful. Maybe there's nowhere to go but up. Or maybe we can lose all our games next season.
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I was flipping channels the other night and came upon the People's Choice Awards. I actually groaned when Fahrenheit 9/11 won for Best Picture of the Year. Sure, I liked the movie and thought it had an important message - which is completely marginalized by Michael Moore's grandstanding and competition against 2 CARTOONS and Doc Ock. As my good friend LK says, blurring (or in this case detonating) the line between documentary and entertainment serves no justice to the message of this film and is indeed insulting to our troops in Iraq. Sit down before you hurt yourself and all the rest of us, Mr. Moore.
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Why is Laura Bush's choice of gown for the Inaugural Ball a top headline alongside, well, anything serious? And why are the ass-clowns in the Bush administration making the city of Washington D.C. divert $12 million in homeland security funds to pay for the costs of the inauguration? Oh I know why. Because 59 million of us re-elected a complete douchebag.
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Excuse me, I meant 59 million of us ELECTED a complete douchebag, since the first election didn't count - literally.
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I still haven't bought Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, and I'm wondering why. Maybe I will make it my Martin Luther King day present to myself.
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Don't cats ever get tired of licking themselves?
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As I typed that, my older cat Guinness looked up at me with complete scorn writ large upon his face, and then went back to licking. Meowlingual translation - "Don't be gettin up in my shit, beeyotch."
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And, that's all I got for today. Apologies to all my fans (and that would be ALL my fans) who don't watch football and completely tuned out in the middle)

Mooches smooches,
D

Post-Holiday Random Thoughts

Happy New Year, comrades! Let's get random, shall we?

Evidence of the influence of pop culture in my life: when watching a movie that contained the phrase "nooks and crannies", the first thing I thought of was Thomas' English Muffins.

My Christmas tree is still up. I worked hard this year, scratching the crap out of my arms searching for the broken bulb that made a foot-tall chunk near the top of the tree go on strike. That fucker's staying up. I might just take off all but the red and white ornaments and call it a Valentine's tree.

Thank God for electric start snowblowers.

The tsunami and its aftermath are so horrifying. It's heartening to see people across the world band together and send help to these poor people. Then I see Hotel Rwanda and am reminded that people do terrible things to other people for no real reason, and other people won't step in to do anything unless there's something in it for them. There's no political repercussions from helping the victims of a natural disaster. (thank God, otherwise the tsunami victims would probably be shit out of luck as well)

I see VH1, in an effort to squeeze the last weary drop from the ratings boon started by "I Love the 80's", are putting out "I Love the 90's - Part Deux." Ok seriously, isn't it a little soon to be reminiscing about the 90's - again? (Ok ok ok, the footage of Bush the Elder puking on the Prime Minister of Japan always gets me giggling, but come on. This is the decade of "Who Let the Dogs Out", Lorena Bobbitt taking the "money" and running, the Macarena, and Al Gore doing the Macarena - badly.) What's next - "I Heart the 00's - We're Just Makin' Shit Up Now and Look Who's Still Watching"?

February 9, 2005 marks the Chinese New Year and the Year of the Rooster. Which yes, can also be thought of as the Year of the Cock. I'll let you giggle over that one a bit.

Status Check on Shitkicking-Grinning, Moronic, Asswipe Douchebag in the White House - yep! Still there! Which reminds me, I need to go stock up on hard liquor.

Someday I want to interview a technician who gives Brazilian bikini waxes and ask what their very worst client experience was. I'm envisioning something along the lines of flatulence triggered by flinching when the naughtybits hair is forcibly ripped out.

I just confirmed through the magic of Tivo that Resident Evil: Apocalypse contains a scene of Milla Jovovich leaping off a building wearing what can best be described as a white assless-chaps vinyl leotard. Surprisingly, this still is not enough to make me want to see this movie.

Is there anyone keeping track of how many dirty old men have bought "Girls Gone Wild" - and seen their own daughters on it?

Today I was in the kitchen while my baby kitty Molly was poking around my feet. I moved my foot suddenly and she jumped so high that in her arc of descent her butt was pointed straight at the ceiling. I probably took a whole kitty-year or two off her life but man, sometimes I just can't help laughing at the misfortune of others.

Ok that's it for now. Stay tuned for more. Someday. Or not. Who knows?

D

The Lifestyle to Which I Need to Become Accustomed

Man oh man, vacation rocks. I haven't gone out of town, haven't done anything uber special, but lately I am MADLY IN LOVE with SLEEP. Sleeping in is better than anything.

Christmas was pretty lowkey except my stinking best friends (who are for all intents and purposes my siblings) went and broke the Christmas gift draw rules.

Let me go back a ways. My best friends' brother and his girlfriend had a baby in July. Granted, Alex was an oopsie baby, but Steve and Kelly are turning out to be great parents, and we all love the little guy more than anything. But of course they're not independently wealthy, and I figured a name draw for Christmas gifts would be a good idea as I didn't want them to worry about having to buy presents for us all, especially since Kelly has a huge family of her own. So I drew Deb's husband, and figured all was right with the world.

The day after Christmas comes around, and we all get together to celebrate. I have Eric's present, plus stocking stuffer presents for everyone else - and everyone else has a regular present for me. DOH! They all said I've done so much for the family and for the baby that they couldn't not get me presents. Well, that's sweet but I wish they'd let me in on it - I love giving presents more than I love getting them and I felt really awkward and kind of robbed. I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but Christmas would have been perfect for me if I could have gotten presents for everyone. On the super plus side - Eric LOVED his Cardinals jersey - especially since Deb's plans to get him a laptop were foiled and she ended up getting him....foot spray. No I'm not making that up. I have a great imagination but even I couldn't come up with that.

Today I ordered a new pair of coke bottle glasses with heavily nerdo frames - $406. Thank you, Flex Account. Thank you. The kindly Eastern European technician asked if I'd like the featherweight lenses. YES please. Anti-glare coating? YES please. Rolled and polished edges? Honey, yes to anything you can do to diminish the impression that I'm wearing two glass bathroom wall blocks on my face. Sigh. Someday the FDA will approve a laser for my horrendo eyes. Until then, thank God for contacts, or I would have to strap these magnifying glasses to my face 24/7.

Tomorrow I'm going on the search for a book to teach me how to knit and some knitting needles. I've had four bundles of burgundy and green yarn sitting in my closet for years now, I am going to learn me how to knit! Maybe I can make Mom something for her birthday in February. Ok maybe for Mother's Day. Or Memorial Day. People don't give enough Memorial Day presents.

I'd stick around and blog for longer, but this is requiring way too much concentration during my vaca. I wish I could make a New Year's resolution to become independently wealthy before the end of my vacation.

Insane for the Holidays

The holidays are a crazy time of year, but for me they are crazy in a mostly nice way - even nicer this year thanks to online Christmas shopping. Making time to get together with friends is one of the nicest parts of the season.

This weekend I saw my friends Brenda and Mark and Barbi for dim sum on Saturday. There's few things I've experienced better than dim sum - if I could alternate sushi and dim sum for the rest of my meals on this big marble I'd be happy forever. And I would need to be equipped with one of those special sirens for when I back up because I'd be fat as a house. Brenda and Mark gave me a bag of presents the size of my ass, which is HUGE. Turned out to be an appetizer grill (complete with Sterno! I smell madcap high jinks!) and this cool toy for my kitties which through the miracle of technology and 3 "AA" batteries, dangles and drags around a fuzzy mouse for their amusement. So far they are both completely fascinated with it. Barb had previously trounced us all right after Thanksgiving by giving us champagne glasses that she and her husband MADE and champagne to go with. I gave them bags full o Lush Fresh Handmade cosmetic goodies and hope they love them.

Sunday I saw my friends Cheryl and Scott, who have the cutest Great Dane (Kona) and who are rockstar cooks. They dished up salad, bruschetta, salmon wrapped in phyllo, asparagus, and warm potato salad. If we weren't already stuffed after that, Cheryl then brought out this divine lime mousse cheesecake. As I hate cheesecake (it feels like school paste on my tongue) I was a little hesitant but upon tasting this - oh my gentle Jesus. Light, creamy, rich - essentially love, sunlight, and the salvation of mankind in cheesecake form. Cheryl noted the next day that she had forgotten to send some home with us, to which I retorted:

"Uh, please, if that’d been me who made that cheesecake, after my first bite I’d have grabbed the plates back from all of you and shoved you out the door. You’d have found me in a few months, 100 pounds heavier and with a Gollum-like complexion, huddled in the corner petting some graham-cracker crumbs and calling them “my precious”." No joke, that's how good this thing was.

We also test-drove their home theater setup in the basement which Scott finished with his own two hands. Granted, we did it by watching The Matrix Revolutions, which, if I had never seen the first two installments of the Matrix franchise, I would have titled "A Very Special Episode of Transformers." Still, good effects, and Scott's home theater setup makes any movie better. (Well, in most cases - nothing would make Jeepers Creepers better other than jumping into a time machine and going back to that idyllic era where you had never wasted 2 hours of your life on this movie) Those dirty monkeys also gave us lovely gift baskets (I got champagne with mimosa mix and really cool champagne glasses - good thing too as I suddenly have a lot of champagne on my hands) I only had a tiny bag o Lush for them but am already shopping for their Martin Luther King day present.

Well, tomorrow I get to see John and LK, their friends Sean and Niki, and my favorite gay men in the whole world, Jasen and Michael. (Actually, they're two of my favorite people, period, gay men or no) So during this crazy holiday season, try to stop and make time for friends, because friends make the holidays (and life in general) much better.

Peace,
Donna

Random Thoughts into the Void - Answered

In an unprecedented blogging moment (for myself anyway) I am answering a comment to my blog with a new blog entry. Carl the Great, (my onetime PS2 DOA2 nemesis) has taken the time to answer the questions I had cast into the void, so I feel it is only fair to continue the dialogue.

cillic the fantabulous is here to answer ALL of your questions.
Q. Who at the Febreze company is getting fired for Scentstories?
A. The one that smells like feet.
D's Answer. Shouldn't the one that smells like feet be fired anyway on general principle? You're hardly good PR for the company when you smell like feet. No, I'm pretty sure some douche that smells like Love's Baby Soft has gotten discharged over this one. (and no, not an ACTUAL douche that smells of Love's Baby Soft. Excuse me while I go do the 3-d technicolor yawn and welcome back my breakfast)

Q. Name the movie where Will Smith says, "Oh HEEELLLLL no!"
A. Will Smith does movies?
D's Answer. I so cannot wait till you and Heather come back up here so you can be the ones that John and LK drag to I, Robot 2: Revenge of the JVC Stereo

Q. Who let Don Johnson and Philip Michael Thomas into the recording studio? Actually, who let them into the public eye, period?
A. The same people who brought you Cop Rock!
D's Answer. I was so looking forward to Cop Rock, having loved Schoolhouse Rock so much. Dirty dirty lying dirtbags.

Q. Why did Care Bears come back? Who were the douches that liked these the first time around? Whatever happened to plain brown teddy bears?
A. The Real Question is, where is Teddy Ruxpin when you need him?
D's Answer. Teddy Ruxpin is scary like spiders and clowns and the characters' eyes in The Polar Express. But yes, Teddy Ruxpin could pummel Care Bears seven ways to Sunday.

Q. The DiSaronno commercial where the chick sucks on the ice cube and makes the barkeep spooge his panties? Do guys think she's hot?
A. Speaking as a guy and an ex-barkeep of sorts, DiSaronno sucks. Any woman who gets off on the stuff is obviously a mono-sylabic alient beast-hound from Neptune in disguise looking for prey. Not a bad disguise, eh?
D's Answer. Thank you, Carl. However, I'm pretty sure you're one of the men who, besides being already taken and therefore useless to us single women, is in the minority about wanting women who can actually talk. I have driven through Tennessee, I know backtalking womens is frowned upon.

Q. In Sixteen Candles, when Samantha and Jake finally get to smooch, leaning over the cake with a bazillion candles on it, didn't that burn the shit out of their chins? And how many teen couples tried that after that movie and burned the shit out of their chins?
A. If you EVER dis Sixteen Candles again I'll use my John Cryer voodoo doll to put the smack down on your near-cheddar-headed ass!
D's Answer. Whoa Nellie. No one dissed Sixteen Candles. Sixteen Candles is the movie that taught me that if I have to be the lone Asian in school, funny is the way to go. Perhaps not YankeeMyWankee funny, but the take-home lesson is that everyone loves a funny Asian. Something about our teeny eyes makes jokes that much better.

Q. Did Van Halen seriously think Gary Cherone was going to work out for them? Come on. I'll take a stoned and incoherent David Lee Roth every day over the pansy who sang More than Words.
A. Hey, David Lee Roth is now an EMT. Pretty sad that the only time he can make out with a woman is because she's unconscious from Smoke Inhalation (kinda like Larry Hagman's character in Mother, Juggs and Speed. What? You've never seen Mother, Juggs and Speed? Go get it. NOW! Bill Cosby, Raquelle Welch, Harvey Kietel, and Dick motherfucking Butkis! Pure '70s gold!
D's Answer. *writing furiously, adding Mother, Juggs, and Speed to Christmas list.* Is it as good as Foxxy Brown?

Q. How horrible was it that Viktor Yushchenko got poisoned?
A. Not nearly as horrible as Bush getting re-elected.
D's Answer. I'm actually looking forward to this administration *setting tivo to C-SPAN 24/7, waiting for the moment Donald Rumsfeld's face pops off on camera, revealing him to be the ugliest FemBot ever manufactured*

BTW - Donna! I did it all for you! [Jumps off of cubicle railing...]
D's Answer. Thank you Carl, thank you. But I ask that you save yourself for now, until the next time you come up north and I put the DOA2 muffocation hurt on your weeping schoolgirl arse.

Q. Stirrup pants. Why did we do that to ourselves?Girls in low-rider pants with plumbers' butt crack. Why are they doing that to us?
A. I still miss my parachute pants. And regarding the low-riders... why the hell don't chicks with hips wear those. That would be nice. I only see scrawny little bitches with the hips of 13-year-old boys wearing those things. That's my only complaint...cillic
D's Answer. Because society has taught us that chicks with hips are fatties that must hide from the light of day, lest we throw everyone off with the gravitational pull we each exert as walking behemoths circling the globe. (kind of like Saturn's moons but with boobies)

In conclusion, thank you Carl for inspiring this blog entry. Perhaps one day we (that includes John and LK) as the Blog Super Monster Heroes. (I call dibs on Mothra now!)

Casting Random Thoughts into the Void

I frequently don't blog because quite often, I don't have enough to say to make a substantial blog entry. But I find myself having many "I wonder...", "WTF?...." and "You have got to be kidding me..." moments every day. So now I'm just going to throw a few of them out there:

Who at the Febreze company is getting fired for Scentstories? This is seriously the dumbest thing I've seen since Hidden Valley Ranch tried to cater to children with Nacho Cheese Ranch dressing. (My dad works there so I know someone got fired for that train wreck.) What's worse is I like Febreze, it's a great idea, so these guys should have known better. I have books and tv and friends to tell me stories, I don't need smells for that. Smells are for telling me very specific, succinct messages like:
"Toxic waste is nearby." or
"Dinner is ready" or
"John recently ate apple pancakes. Or food."

Name the movie where Will Smith says, "Oh HEEELLLLL no!"

Who let Don Johnson and Philip Michael Thomas into the recording studio? Actually, who let them into the public eye, period?

Why did Care Bears come back? Who were the douches that liked these the first time around? I've seen these in the store lately, and now there are Care Bear Cousins, which is basically the Care Bear franchise expanding to include other animal species that are in no way related to bears, like elephants and velociraptors or some such nonsense. Whatever happened to plain brown teddy bears?

The DiSaronno commercial where the chick sucks on the ice cube and makes the barkeep spooge his panties? Do guys think she's hot? She looks nearly plastic and her forehead's three foot tall. Or does that bartender just do the old EagleOne FoxTwo thing really easily?

In Sixteen Candles, when Samantha and Jake finally get to smooch, leaning over the cake with a bazillion candles on it, didn't that burn the shit out of their chins? And how many teen couples tried that after that movie and burned the shit out of their chins?

I'm Lemon-Fresh Smurf

Did Van Halen seriously think Gary Cherone was going to work out for them? Come on. I'll take a stoned and incoherent David Lee Roth every day over the pansy who sang More than Words.

How horrible was it that Viktor Yushchenko got poisoned? I think the Republicans in power in this country are cheating assholes, but at least no one poisoned John Kerry. All that cragginess on his face is just the product of good somber living. (or maybe too much windsurfing) Although I do think if Karl Rove could figure out a way to not get caught, he'd poison a LOT of people.

Duran Duran - please let me just remember you the way you were. Just because leg warmers came back doesn't mean you have to. (It also means that leg warmers did not need to come back either. Forenza, you stay right there with 1987 where you belong.)

There is nothing better than snuggly sleeping critters. (Unless the critters are spiders or clowns, that's just not cool.)

The fact that Eddie Murphy did Beverly Hills Cop and Daddy Day Care really proves his range. I cannot think of a single other good thing to say about that fact. He's like the Beatles in reverse.

Do cats think anything is funny? How can I love mine so much when they show no evidence of having a sense of humor? If I met a man who was adorably warm and fuzzy but had no sense of humor, would I be able to love him? Something tells me no. The kitties don't talk back when I sing the A-Team theme song to them, but I have a feeling the guy would. I need my freedom to sing the A-Team when necessary.

Even more than clowns, the nanny from The Omen will always scare the shit out of me. That woman's creepy with a capital oooog.

Stirrup pants. Why did we do that to ourselves?
Girls in low-rider pants with plumbers' butt crack. Why are they doing that to us?

Well that's it for now, tune back in soon for the Holiday Edition of Random Thoughts into the Void.

Cheers,
Donna

Back to the Grindstone

If there's anything I have learned in my adult life, it's that vacations rock. Thanks to my company's tricky pea-under-the-shell accountants, I have to hoard vacation days every year for our mandatory Thanksgiving week shutdown. (It's hoard vaca or don't get pay, period.) So since Saturday the 20th I have been jubilantly lazy and self-absorbed.

Thanksgiving was great, despite the inevitable last-minute glitches and miscommunications. My best friends' family (really, they're more like my family too) came over. I got to see my little quasi-nephew Alex, who started out cute, but who now leaves the Gerber baby and any other baby I've seen in the dust. I frankly don't understand how Steve gave him half his genes. Or how Alex's mom, Kelly, actually likes Steve for his looks and not his personality as much. Wonders will never cease. There really is someone for everyone. Whatever, I remain grateful that things are working out, that Steve and Kelly are turning out to be great parents, and that I like Kelly far and away the best out of any girl I've seen Steve with. (not too hard, but Kelly really is a sweetheart)

We also drew names for Christmas presents, and much to my dismay I got my best friend's hubby, who never wants anything and is the hardest person alive to shop for. If only I'd gotten one of the girls I could have hooked them up with a supply of my new favorite addiction, Lush Fresh Handmade Cosmetics. In any case, I went on eBay and won a new Cardinals 2004 World Series baseball jersey for Eric, so I'm hoping he will like it, and if not well then pbbbbttttttt.

Last night I tried to put up my 7.5 ft pre-lit Christmas tree but a few branches around the top are not lighting so I need to go through and find which bulb is burnt out. The kitties have so far been very good about not using the tree as a ladder, instead embracing as their duty the coating of the tree skirt with a generous layer of cat hair. I really love Christmastime - right down to cheesy Andy Williams Christmas carols. (Listen, if Andy Williams restored your faith in Christmas after seeing your dad in a red Santa suit when you were 5, you'd love his Christmas tunes too. I knew full well Santa Claus is not Korean - or my dad. Thank you Andy Williams. Thank you.)

(PLEASE NOTE: Even though I love cheesy Christmas carols, I still hate that frigging "Simply! Ha-a-aving! a Wonderful Christmas Time!" tune. I may be Backstreet Boys queer but I'm not mentally impaired. Any of you who think I'm queer for the Andy Williams thing - well, I just got my revenge by sticking "Simply! Haaaaving! A Wonderful Christmas time!" in your head. Enjoy.)

Anyway, it's Monday and I gotta put my nose back to the grindstone. If in the holiday madness I don't get to blog again (although I am hoping there will be spectacular mayhem at the office Christmas party this Saturday to relate) then I wish you all a great holiday season.

Mooches Smooches,
D

Enough with the Hillary for President Talk

If you've read any of my earlier posts, you know I campaigned hard for John Kerry and John Edwards. I watched John Kerry give his concession speech and sobbed out of sheer disappointment and fear over what would happen to this country in the next 4 years. I looked to people like Barack Obama for hope and inspiration. The Democrats must look to 2006 and 2008 with a plan for victory, a plan that not only includes our hopes and dreams, but logic and practicality - in short, a plan that will WIN.

And that is why I am begging the Democrats to shut it with the Hillary Clinton in 2008 talk. Do I like it that this country still shits on minorities and that women are consistently paid less than men for doing the same job? HELL NO. But if you can look at the election results maps and still think that ANY woman, much less Hillary Clinton, can win the Presidency, then I hope you're just about done with the brick of hash you broke out after the election, and that there's no more where that came from.

For Hillary Clinton to be a viable, winnable Presidential candidate, we would basically have to saw off the nation at the Mason-Dixon line, and use the Men in Black neuralizer on all the red counties that are left. (Something which you may find tempting, but something which in practicality, won't be done) Her name alone evokes a negative kneejerk reaction in too many people across the country. It would be a waste of time and money for her to run, and if she did throw her hat in the ring, I would actively campaign against her. For the good of the party and the country, Hillary Clinton cannot make a run for President.

I am not suggesting we sell out our hopes and our dreams for a better country, and this is not meant to be a slam on Senator Clinton or the good things she has accomplished. But neither do I think the Democrats should throw away their 2008 hopes with both hands, and then wonder where we went wrong when we lose again.

The Need for Election Reform

I'm all for states' rights but a federal election should be uniform across the nation and be subject to federal standards.

From the NY Times: "An electronic voting machine added 3,893 votes to President Bush's tally in a suburban Columbus precinct that has only 800 voters." And who the heck knows how many voting machines could have done the same thing across the country...I'm getting to the point where I think voters should just be handed marbles to throw in the bin of their candidate of choice....

For those of you who haven't seen this article:

http://www.nytimes.com/2004/11/07/politics/campaign/07elect.html

Voting Problems in Ohio Set Off an Alarm
By ADAM LIPTAK
Published: November 7, 2004

Voters in Ohio delivered a second term to President Bush by a decisive margin. But the way the vote was conducted there, election law specialists say, exposed a number of weak spots in the nation's election system.
"We dodged a bullet this time, but the problems remain," said Heather K. Gerken, who teaches election law at Harvard. "We have problems with the machines, problems with the patchwork of regulations covering everything from recounts to provisional ballots, and problems with self-interested party officials deciding which votes count."
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Had the electoral math been only a little different, lawyers would be examining even closer finishes in other states.
"If it was Iowa or New Mexico that held the balance," said Richard L. Hasen, who teaches election law at Loyola Law School in Los Angeles, "we would be in litigation now." Mr. Bush won those states by one percentage point; he won Ohio by two.
As it turned out, though, Ohio was the crucible.
The state relies heavily on punch-card balloting machines of the hanging-chad variety. Voting machines in Ohio failed to register votes for president in 92,000 cases over all this year, a number that includes failure to cast a vote, disallowed double votes and possible counting errors. An electronic voting machine added 3,893 votes to President Bush's tally in a suburban Columbus precinct that has only 800 voters.
Officials in Ohio will be able to reject some of the approximately 155,000 provisional ballots cast there, offered to potential voters whose names could not be located on local election rolls, because of the ambiguity of the standards.
There were also long lines at the polls, and it is unclear how many people grew too dispirited to keep waiting and ended up not voting.
"In Ohio," said Edward B. Foley, who teaches election law at Ohio State University, "there is a cloud over the process, even though there is not a cloud over the result."
Democratic lawyers concluded that challenges based on these problems could not bridge the 135,000-vote deficit Senator John Kerry faced on Wednesday morning. A recount of the punch cards would have yielded no more than 20,000 votes, election law specialists said, and there was no reason to think that those votes or the provisional ballots would uniformly favor Mr. Kerry.
Based on the Ohio experience, election law scholars advocate two types of broad reform: more uniformity within states - in registration lists, voting technologies and the distribution of voting machines - and replacing partisans with professionals in election administration.
"Congress has got to try again," Professor Foley said. "We need more money for machines. We need uniform allocation of machines. And Congress has to develop a clearer picture of the process for evaluating provisional ballots."
All these issues might have been before the courts if the vote in Ohio had been a little tighter.
"We had cases ready to be filed," said Daniel J. Hoffheimer, state counsel to the Kerry campaign in Ohio. "If Senator Kerry had decided to really go to the mat on provisional ballots, the Kerry-Edwards legal team would have looked at all the issues out there."
Most scholars and lawyers agree the main problems in Ohio resulted from technical failures and inadequate resources rather than partisan bickering in polling places or intentional disenfranchisement. But they said poor and minority voters may have suffered disproportionately.
"There is a feeling here that the long-line problem was a problem of disparity that fell along socioeconomic lines," Professor Foley said. "There were isolated instances of long lines here in the seven- to nine-hour range, and the common lines were two to three hours. When your line gets to two or three hours, it's system failure."
Even if the waits were comparable in poorer and richer precincts, legal scholars said, they might have had a disproportionate impact. If time is money, a long wait is a sort of poll tax, and the rich may be more able to pay it.
The lines were in any case baffling, Mr. Hoffheimer said.
"Although the turnout was not as large as the secretary of state had predicted," he said, "in quite a widespread number of precincts around the state, lines were horrendously long. At one time, one of them was estimated to be 22 hours."
On Oct. 29, the Ohio secretary of state, J. Kenneth Blackwell, said he expected 72 percent turnout. His office reported that the actual turnout on Nov. 2 was about 70 percent.
Election law scholars say too many decisions about the election process are now made by people who are partisan. Professor Gerken of Harvard took exception to the actions of Mr. Blackwell, a Republican.
"He was making judgment calls that were simply implausible," she said, citing a decision, later rescinded, that registration forms on anything less than 80-pound paper stock should be rejected.
Legal scholars agreed that changes to the system must be made behind what philosophers call the veil of ignorance - without knowing how the change will affect particular outcomes.
For this reason, it is unclear whether the Colorado initiative that would have allocated the state's electoral votes proportionately was defeated on its merits or because it could have immediately changed the outcome of the election. Bush voters confident of victory in the state may have voted against the measure to ensure that their candidate received all nine of the state's electoral votes.
For similar reasons, scholars say that if litigation is needed to clarify election procedures, it should be brought before an election.
The election left many questions unanswered about its most significant innovation: provisional ballots, required by a 2002 federal law intended to restore public confidence after the grueling Florida recount. County election officials in Ohio are now determining whether those ballots should be counted.
That will take some time, and the process has critics. In Ohio, for instance, four-member county election boards, each with two Republicans and two Democrats, will decide, with the approval of three members needed to count the votes. "Party officials should not be deciding who can vote," Professor Gerken said.

Good Things in the Shadow of the Apocalypse

In an effort to cheer myself up, I am listing all the good things to remember as something to hang onto for the next 4 years. I will update this post when I think of more.

1) I can finish the anti-Bush books I didn't have time to finish before the election, and they won't just be historical references.
2) All my anti-Bush t-shirts are still in style.
3) Candy is still tasty and delicious.
4) Barack Obama.
5) There is a woman I know who is unbelievably annoying, condescending, and manipulative. I had made a promise to God that if Kerry won, I would stop complaining about her. Now I can declare open season on the bitch.
6) John Kerry, Russ Feingold, Gwen Moore, Melissa Bean, and all the other Democrats (and the few Republicans) who will work to make a difference.
7) In some cultures, my large ass would be worshipped and revered.
8) My two kitty cats, Molly and Guinness, are warm and fuzzy and love me lots.
9) The Daily Show with Jon Stewart will certainly not run out of material in the next 4 years.
10) I have my health and many friends who love me.

Cheers,
Donna

The Beginning of the End

I am unbelievably heartsore and disappointed in the voters of this country. I really underestimated the number of ignorant, selfish, short-sighted bigots that there truly are in this country. And to give credit where credit is due, the Democrats did not do a good enough job in turning out their base voters, as is evidenced by the Presidency, Senate, and House results.

As John Edwards said yesterday, the fight has just begun. We are down, but we cannot allow ourselves to be shoved out. Barack Obama is a good start for us. I expect great and inspiring things from him. And he is just the beginning, and just one person. We can expect good things from Russ Feingold, Gwen Moore, Melissa Bean, and many others. The Democrats need to work together towards the Congressional races of 2006 and do our damnedest to get some kind of balance back from the GOP-strangled government. There is no alternative. We have lost far too much and are about to lose more. If we let ourselves become cynical and discouraged, there will be no coming back from this disaster. The future is all we have left.

Cheers,
D

Misinformation and Apathy

If the provisional ballot count in Ohio goes against Kerry, and it very well may, this country will effectively go to hell. Anything that people didn't like about Bush in his first 4 years, any mistakes he committed, any lies he told, any ridiculous and arrogant moves he made will only come back to bite us all tenfold over the next 4 years. Bush will not have to worry about re-election this time around, and we will have effectively validated him in his own eyes. In addition, he may well have the chance to replace half the Supreme Court with nutbags like Priscilla Owens.

Here is who I blame for what will happen to our country:

1) Everyone who voted for Bush. Whether you are misinformed or simply have no conscience, you have your head in the sand with respect to this President and his policies. Or maybe you are just as arrogant as he is.

2) Every Kerry supporter/Bush hater who did not get out to vote. I don't care if you live in a swing state or not. While this country is in total crisis, the attitude that you could just sit on your ass and not do the ONE CONCRETE THING you could do to secure a victory for Kerry, is bullshit and sickens me.

3) Myself. I certainly have to take a portion of the accountability. I've known what was at stake for almost 3 years here and I did not get involved early enough in the campaign to make a significant difference.

4) The Kerry campaign. Too much time was spent fending off Vietnam allegations, too much time was spent ducking for cover and not nearly enough time getting out a clear message to the American voters. And it showed. Hindsight may be 20/20, but I gotta tell you, this is what I've been thinking the entire campaign and it was why I got involved late in the process in the first place.

Please God, don't let this country destroy itself. Don't let Bush do it either.

Last Weekend (Prior to the Month of the Recount)

Another weekend spent with the Kerry/Edwards campaign in Wisconsin. I feel bad for the people who live in swing states, as they must have gotten inundated with phone calls, doorbells/knocks, and tv ads from both campaigns. The people I've spoken to say it hasn't been too bad, but I tend to think they're just numb to it all now, as they've all described much more than I've experienced here in Illinois. And snaps to everyone I met in Wisconsin during this campaign - they've all been so helpful and pleasant, carting me around to the different places we had to canvass etc. We're all working towards a common cause, I know, but it's so much better when everyone's friendly and gracious.

Anyway, all day Saturday I was out doing "knock-and-drops" - knocking on people's doors and leaving Kerry/Edwards fliers. Most people weren't home, and after a while I just started leaving the fliers, as I know I wouldn't want to be bothered by yet another knock on the door. There was a fierce wind blowing and occasional rain which didn't help, and as I was pounding the pavement from 9am - 4:30pm, I had some serious blisters on my feet at day's end. One incident I found funny - even though we were not stopping by houses that had Bush yard signs out, while I was walking up and down one street, a Bush supporter felt the need to come out and straighten (or perhaps more firmly entrench) her Bush/Cheney sign. Three times.

Sunday morning I got Visibility duty instead, which entailed standing on a (relatively) busy street corner, holding a giant Kerry/Edwards sign and passing out yard signs/stickers to any who wanted them. This was considerably easier in my opinion than phonebanking or canvassing, as I don't feel I'm invading people's lives. The responses I got from passing vehicles went as follows:

1 guy flipped me the bird
1 yelled "KERRY SUCKS"
1 woman yelled "GEORGE BUSH"
And a few thumbs down from people, one of whom in his sheer concentration to give me a vehement thumbs down, nearly drove into the curb. Oops.

I smiled and waved at all of them. They've got a right to their own opinion too.

I did get considerably more beeps and waves, thumbs up, big smiles, and one guy cruising past on his motorcycle, who could easily have passed for one of John Stillman's uncles, held up his fist in a salute of support. Several people stopped and asked for yard signs (of which I didn't have many since the campaign is running out up there) and stickers. One lady hopped out of her van to stash the signs in her trunk, and as I gave her husband the stickers, he said "I've never seen her this excited about anything like this!!!" So there was much to be encouraged about. Still, in my effort to present a pleasant Democratic face, I have not smiled so much since sorority rush in college. I couldn't move my facial muscles afterward - that must be what Botox feels like.

Through all of this I've remained puzzled about the sheer will of Bush supporters to defend Bush and refuse to listen to anything bad about him. You have to be a different kind of person to be a politician, and more often than not, politicians make mistakes and don't live up to their promises. (Of course there's sometimes extenuating circumstances, but you have to admit the general trend is to not trust politicians.)

So I am bewildered by this blind trust and resolute loyalty in defense of Bush. It nearly smacks of religious fervor, and to exhibit that kind of faith in a politician is not only foolish, but dangerous in my opinion. Kerry supporters generally seem to have a more rational view of things, that being that Bush has done the country a lot of wrong, and a person like that does not deserve another 4 years as our President.

Anyway, we're almost to the end, and hopefully by Christmas, we'll have a new President. One bit of potentially good news - the Redskins lost their home game before the election (Thank you Green Bay!!!) and if that incumbent statistic holds up, we'll be planting a Bush back in Texas real soon.

Cheers,
Donna

Face Paint and Fox Trucks (or: How I Made an Ass Out of Myself in Front of John Kerry)

For those of you who don't know, I've been volunteering in Wisconsin for the Kerry/Edwards campaign. A few weeks ago I got to help get ready for a Milwaukee visit from Senator Edwards - as volunteers however, we were kept away from all the real action by Secret Service - we did hear Edwards' son running through the hall of the hotel. Sounded like a nice kid. The main object lesson I took home from this experience is that Democrats, probably due to their all-inclusive, warm and fuzzy nature, are disorganized.

Anyway, this is the story of my making another trip up to Milwaukee, this time to help with a small rally to herald the arrival of Senator Kerry.

I get to the hangar, and it takes a good half hour before the campaign staff knows what's going on and where we should all be - which turned out to be a dank hallway inside the hangar. Apparently, Laura Bush was ALSO arriving last night, prior to Senator Kerry, so her Secret Service wasn't about to let 30 or so strange people have free reign of the hangar.

So we're in the hallway for what seems like forever, and then we finally get moving - metal detection by Secret Service, then we got to help corral the people arriving for the rally (about 200). At this point, I discover that I have neglected to put the storage card back in my digital camera after the party I was at last weekend. But I think, big whup, I won't get to see Kerry anyway I bet.

Then I got roped into painting signs for Friday's rally, which would have been a lot more fun if we didn't have to go outside to do it. Brrrr. Keep in mind for later in the story that this paint did not dry particularly fast. After this, I got to do crowd traffic control to get the ralliers from the hangar out to the holding pen to greet Senator Kerry.

Ah here it is, the Kerry-Edwards plane has landed. Now, I get pulled out of the rally holding pen and was given a large sign with which to direct traveling press to the busses. I'm a little bummed that I don't have a very good view of the Kerry festivities at this point. Then, another campaign staff member grabbed me and asked me to take a videotape (presumably of Kerry shaking hands and waving) over to the Fox satellite truck. Swallowing my distaste for Fox, I say ok sure.

So I'm by myself basically, away from the rally crowd, and about 20 feet away from me, 30 max, I see Senator Kerry smiling and waving from his giant Escalade or whatever car it was. I take my opportunity to really shine, and start waving and jumping up and down like a complete asshole. There was no way he missed me, as I was alone and carrying a huge sign for "TRAVELING PRESS". We make eye contact, and he smiles, waves, and gives me a thumbs up. And of course the whole time my camera is completely useless to me.

The videotape destined for Fox gets shoved at me at this point. But as soon as I try to leave the perimeter of the crowd, Secret Service stops me and I can't go any further. I find the staff member who asked me to direct press traffic, tell him the deal, and he took the tape over for me.

Rally's over, we all walk back into the building and one of the other volunteers turns to me and says "Oh, you got paint all over your face!" WhatwhatWHAT? My insides shrivel as I realize there's no way to know how long it was there, and it was highly likely that I had been jumping up and down like a maniac in front of John Kerry, with paint all over my face. (For those of you wanting to know color, quantity, and location of the paint - red, enough, and on my nose and right cheek)

Then I get home, and see 5 missed calls on my cell phone - remember the Fox videotape? Evidently it never got to where it was supposed to go. Before I can call back, they call me again, I explain what happened and (not in so many words however) that I wasn't about to try and mow down Secret Service to get to a Fox truck.

So, that was my adventure last night, and how I made an ass out of myself in front of Senator John Kerry. But hey, I guess I really don't mind, and here's to Kerry kicking Bush's ass on November 2nd!

Cheers,
Donna